h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So there really isn't more to flirting than crappy sexual innuendos?

Flirting is a right pain. I can't pull to save my life, haven't been able to since I stopped getting so drunk i'd just fall on the nearest bloke dancing with me lips first. Which was when I was about 17.

I think i'm a bit too upfront.

I can flirt meaninglessly with almost anyone, it's a form of ice-breaking banter, harmless and easy to do, keeps the conversation and the laughs flowing. If people are charmed by and attracted to me then so be it.

If I lie to someone, then they will be attracted to somebody that I'm not. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

I think having wit and a dirty as hell laugh is how one flirts. Also, being able to spot when you've developed a rapport with someone. That's when you can start with a bit of extra eye-contact and a daring move or two. For instance they express a need to leave the venue so you try to tempt them into staying... Buy them another drink, make physical contact with eye contact as you give it to them... Then they either down it and run away or stay and chat a bit more. Or if they have to leave, they ask for your number or ask if you want to go with them...

I'm just no good at closing the deal, sadly. I think I can be quite forward but I'm awful at going in for the kill, so I assume they think that if I was that interested I'd just sweep them off their feet. My serious flirting is usually an invitation, not a warning, but it's hard to explain to someone you don't really know that you may appear to be a straight-talking, slightly scary, beer for beer, laugh for laugh, dirty joke for dirty joke man-eater but you'r actually pretty shy when it comes to forcing yourself on someone on the off-chance!

I used to do a bit too much flirting in the past, without realising I was doing it. However, someone pointed it out and we worked out what it actually was that I was doing.

It comes down to a couple of things.

Make the other person interested in you. They may be shallow and only interested in your body, so if that's your type make sure you have a good body. They may be more intellectual and want discussion, so make sure you can have those. But the more genuinely interesting you are, the more attracted to you they'll be.

Make the other person comfortable. If they feel comfortable and happy in you company they'll stay longer in it, and want to be in it more. Different people feel comfortable in different ways. Most people like to laugh, a lot like to feel listened to.

It seems quite simple, and it is, but if you make them interested in you while you show an interest in them, you'll flirt successfully.

There ya go!

Could I also add, for the person who is a bit down in the dumps and feels like they can't flirt. It helps if you have something to talk about as well, if only to initiate conversation. So, what do you like? what do you enjoy? Do other opinions on those things interest you?

As a for instance, I enjoy camping, I have one or two amusing or interesting tales to tell about going camping and I can discuss camp cooking, lifestyle, firemaking etc... So I might use it as a conversation opener. You know,
"What sort of holidays do you tend to go for then?"
"*their response. We'll assume they are a package holiday type but seem to just not have had the opportunities to do anything else*"
"Ah, I'm not so into all that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to relax, but around my own camp fire, kettle on, dinner in the cool box waiting to be cooked. All you've got to worry about is whether or not you've got enough wood to last you a day or two..."
"Oh, I've never really been camping, seems a bit mucky and that. no showers, I like luxury, me"

And you can go in so many directions from here, asking them about their holidays (in terms that interest you, do they like to go and look at interesting places? Eating different foods? Getting to know more about different cultures or histories), or you can try to convince them that camping with *you* is a whole different experience and they'd love it...

If you have nothing to talk about, you won't *feel* very interesting, even if you are. So if you haven't been out of the house for a while, try getting out, arrange to do something, get on your bike, go swimming, get into a bit of walking or something. In my experience, people don't want to chat all that much about your online conversations and who you're following on twitter. Well, not for long anyway. Ice breakers maybe, but not flirting territory. So make yourself interesting, find something that you enjoy. Then, when you DO meet people, you will be more confident and have something to talk about and won't feel like nobody's interested because you don't feel you have nothing to say.

A few thoughts...

I don't think it's simple...more like a dance, that's why it's pleasurable..and you are learning about the other person...so it's also about learning a language..a discovery.

Also having a goal doesn't seem part of it to me as you are finding out what that might be.

I'm taking it away from just a one on one conventional sexual context though, or however you might put it. It's fun to flirt in all sorts of contexts. There's new ones to find all the time. Eg myself and the young Kurdish guy up the shop flirt...he's much younger and its nothing to do with aiming at a relationship but it enriches our relationship.

Hope all that doesn't sound like pretentious nonsense but its complicated; human relationships are.

Also, no matter how good one person is at flirting, (or not), its also a case of how good the other person (or people), are at picking up that its flirting... depending how good they are at discerning body language etc...

Effers, doesn't sound pretentious at all

The simple part is knowing those two things (I think), the hard part is putting it into practice