h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For the purposes of confirming my sanity, I am a 20 year old male from Liverpool England and not a 50 year old Field Marshall from Terrania. But for the purposes of this story I am.


The Young Field Marshall Terran : -


Terran : "It was back in Vestovore, the capital of Dalgaria, many years ago that I first came across the Balaric mines. They had been removed of any potential fuel centuries ago, but they still served as a good hide out for the Dalgarian central command. They were a very poor country and when they eventually collapsed it was no surprise, but before they did they had one of the most powerful armies ever known.

"I was merely a private back then and so was still relatively new to the art of war, but I a had an excellent commanding officer in Brigadeer Valc Treggan.
"'Terran', he said, 'you are honoured to be given the name you have, as it brings you great honour, and your parents must have been wise. But you must realise that in battle, honour must be won'. I nodded. He continued :

'You see that cave over there. It holds a 200,000 strong army. But they are brainwashed fools, with no intelligence, and no common sense. This is where we must use our wisdom. They have over 50,000 more soldiers than us, but a soldier who uses his brain before his braun will outmatch ten times his own number. Do you understand what I tell you'.
'I understand, sir' I told him. 'I will do my duty'
He looked at me and smirked 'You've alot to learn Terran, but you will do well.'"

"I hoped that he was right"

"Later that day as our regiment prepared for our first battle, I realised that not all our leaders were as wise as Brigadeer Treggan. I saw 20 thousand Terranic soldiers loose their lives that afternoon, because the Brigadeer in charge (Aleric Voston - an arrogant fool) had forgotten to order any ammunition for most of his army."

"But I would learn a lot more than that very shortly. When I went in to battle myself...."

Oooooohhh...

The Young Field Marshall Terran (continued) : -

Terran : "The Earth before us was being torn up by the Dalgarian artilary. The tank Regiment had been obliterated earlier in the day, so it was up to us, the infantry, to try and complete the mission. I couldn't see how we were going to do it though. The oppositions artilary had us pinned down, so I just hoped that the faith I had in Brigadeer Treggan was well placed."

"However I was shocked when the man himself joined our ranks. He was several rows ahead of me, but by his uniform it was obvious it was him. He turned around to address us.

"'Soldiers', the Brigadeer began, 'I wont lie to you we are in a grave situation. We have already lost a huge amount of soldiers today for various reasons', I knew very well that it was due to his fellow superiors incompetance, but he wasn't going to say that"

"he continued 'but I am going to have to ask you to brave your lives for the good of your country. We have bulk of the enemy forces trapped in this one city, and if we can take that mine they will collapse. But they are fighting like rats backed in to a corner. We have no choice but to charge directly at their artilary.', there was a deathly silence "

"He looked around, 'Many of you may not come back, and have families to think of you back home. I will not ask you to do anything I would not do, so I will join you today. I just pray my wife will forgive me.', there where some mild laughs around the ranks."

"Then Treggan turned around, and everyone became deadly serious. I noticed one soldier to my left had her eyes tightly closed as if she was trying to shut it all out. But when the order was given to get ready to charge her eyes opened, and she was as tough and cold as any warrior."

"The artilary fire started back off again, and Treggan had a hard job to bark his last orders. 'Right I want you to aim for the cave entrance. There will be two other infantry regiments involved in this, and they will be aiming to take out the artilary.' "

"There were no more orders, we knew what to do. We readied our rifles, what use they would be I did not know, but they were a comfort all the same. Then we charged."

"I could hear the explosions all around us, as we rushed forward. I barely had time to think. I could see Brigadeer Treggan out in front. I knew this was not how he would have wanted this to go. This was completely stupid. But at the end of the day I knew he had no choice, he had his own orders, and at the end of the day he was another soldier, just like us. Then a shell hit right in the middle of our charge, and I was blown to the side. As I hit the mud I was stunned, I was ready to collapse. 'Come on Mate', said a sergeant of the regiment, 'we've still got to move forward'. He was Sgt. Chris Rahue. He helped me back up."

"I briefly looked around and saw that we had lost a lot of men, but we still had to charge forward."

"I just kept focused from then on. And before I realised it we were nearly at the mouth of the Balaric mines."

"Out of the mouth of the cave opening came a swarm of Dalgarian Troops. How could we beat that?"