h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~Greebo busy's herself setting up a huge wooden table, spreading a shiny gold fabric cloth across it, and displays what look suspiciously like glass shards covered in shiny wet red stuff... The 'souveniers' are sitting on black velvet, inside rather garish clear plastic boxes...~

Roll up... Roll up... Don't miss out on the bargain of a lifetime... real... genuine... Me kids you not missus... Fearless Fergal Souveniers... get them whilst they are still wet... only a doughnut a piece... me's cutting me own throat....

Come on... don't be shy... get something to show yer grandkids... only one souvenier per customer... these are so hot that they are melting as we speak...

~Greebo waits expectantly... sure in the knowledge that soon she will be rich beyond her wildest dreams~

I'll take a couple

shazz

~Greebo looks ever so slightly dodgy... but of course in an extremily cute way~

Allo boss... only one a piece me afriad... but seeing as its you... and me *knows* that you have a certain clout at this 'ere newspaper... me'll let you have two for a box of three doughnuts... can't say fairer than that... me's cutting me own throat 'ere ~grin~

Want 'em gift wrapped?

~Greebo produces some rough squares that seem to be the remnants of an extremily dirty white sheet~

+

Skip the wrapping thanks!

shazz

Agh! My sheet, my sheet! My art! Sacrilege! This is like selling Van Gogh's felt tip pens while marking up their prices on The Sunflowers. Greebo, if you were Whistler you'd sell your own mother.

... can I buy a shard? I like that Fearless Feargal.

~Greebo hands Shazz her unwrapped souvenirs...~

Nice doing business with you boss... ~grin~

~Greebo turns to spimcoot... and think how familiar he looks in a strange unfathomable way...~

You want to buy my mother???

~Greebo rummages around behind the table... and produces a large box from which a lank cat tail hangs...~

Hmmm... she's not exactly brand new... but for you sir... how about 5 doughnuts... and me'll throw one of these wonderful souvernirs in for free... can't say fairer than that... cuttin' me own throat me is... ~wink~

~Greebo looks at the cut up sheet... ~

You think these rags are worth something???

~She rummages in her Garfield Backpack... produces a large piece of card and a red felt tip...~

*FEARLESS FEARGAL ART WORK... GOING CHEAP.. LOTSA USES... ONLY 2 DOUGNUTS*

~Greebo sticks the card up behind her and places several filthy rags on the table...~

Come on everyone... bargains galore... dirty rags done done dirt cheap!!!!

Two Choc Ices please

Well if it aint' me old mucker Mister Bagger come for a peruse of the goods have we... ~wink~

~Greebo sidles over to Mister Bagger and whispers in her best dodgy geezer accent~

If you want... me could do you a deal for some of your used art... put it on the stall... sell like hot doughnuts they would... researchers will come from miles around to get thier hands on your etchings... ~sly grin and a wink (not at all like Anne Robinson)~... If you know what me means... Mister Bagger sir... just give me the nod... and me'll put a new board up proclaiming the news... er... of course... you won't exactly make much of a profit yourself like... being as the stuff is second hand... but think of the exposure... ~another sly grin and wink (still not at all like Ms Robinson)~... your popularity will be sky high when the news that you are exposing yourself on h2g2 gets around...

~Greebo runs round the table.. rummages for a while... and then comes back with two slightly melted choc ices...~

'Ere you go... two choc ices on the house... hmmm... ignore that date on there... tis wrong... ~Greebo rolls her startlingly pretty eyes~... as if you would believe that they ran out of date in 1987!!!

*Takes Choc Ices*

Oh erm... crumbs! You want my etchings? I mean... I've been using the same cartoon since 1999, just changing the words every week. I mean, if I got rid of it, what would I do then? I haven't looked at a pencil in years. I'd be forced to.... to... draw!

Since 1999!!! Almost as old as me ice creams then... ~Greebo sniggers~ er... not that they are out of date mind... that chocolate is supposed to be white and green... and the ice-cream is a new sort... called rancid vanilla... very popular...they were... er.. me means they are... ~sickly grin~

Hmmm... no worries about your art... don't want you getting all excited and using the four letter word... you know tis banned around artists... pity though... ~Greebo eyes Mister Bagger~... could of made a fortune, me kids you not.... a doughnut each for the smaller ones... two for larger... would be rich beyond your wildest dreams.. er... eventually like... as you know me would have to take a cut as me had to sell them... 50/50 of course... ~Greebo winks~... Me has the doughnut... you has the hole... can't say fairer than that... be cutting me own throat of course...