h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Unfortunately I always find myself tongue tied when the sharp and witty retort would be best applied. I ALWAYS think about the right reply later – usually several days later and normally when I am in the shower! Don’t ask me why, but my witty sarcasm works better when I am in the nude, soapy and wet, and completely alone.

Probably the worst occasion I have ever had was when a pair of idiots in a hot hatch car were waiting at some lights and as I crossed the road they leaned out of the window and yelled “fat people should not be allowed to walk around, you make us feel sick”. I SHOULD have rapped back with “I can go on a diet, can you grow a brain?!” but instead, I felt humiliated, went red and wished the ground would swallow me up.

It's the same for me.

Once some Jehova'w witnesses came to my door and asked, wether I had time for a friendly talk. I was in the middle of fixing my lunch, so I simply said no and closed the door. I should have said: 'You can have an unfriendly talk as well.' Or 'Why don't you stay for lunch, I'm having blood sausages.'

Another time my wit didn't fail me. A n older man walked up to me in the bus and shouted:'GET UP!' I replied in a very loud voice: 'Oh sure, I'll gladly make room for such a polite person.'

And this is a scene I witnessed in the bus as well:

Morning rush hour, woman with pram is in the bus. Old man, most likely a pensioner, complains: 'What are you doing here with that pram?'
Woman: 'The space at the other door is occupied with more prams.'
Old man: 'What are you doing in the bus anyway with that pram, when people are traveling to work?'
Woman: 'I'm taking my child to daycare, then I'll go to work. What are you doing here anyway? You are a pensioner.'

That cracked me up.

Best one I ever saw was in a supermarket checkout queue. The girl at the till was young and bored out of her skull. Slack-jawedly chewing gum and staring into space with a vacant expression as she scanned the items. The guy she was serving said "Cheer up hen, it might never happen"

She turned her bovine gaze upon him and retorted "The only thing that cheers me up pal, is knowing it will never happen wi' YOU"

>>>She turned her bovine gaze upon him and retorted "The only thing that cheers me up pal, is knowing it will never happen wi' YOU"

myfavourite comebacks is Winston Churchill's :
"Lady Astor: 'If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee!"
"Churchill: 'My dear, if you were my wife I'd drink it."

and:

"Bessie Braddock: 'Winston you are drunk!'
Winston Churchill: 'Bessie, you're ugly. And tomorrow morning I will be sober.'

But I think A good "So's your face!" or " I Know you are but what am i?"
are always a good choice,childish,but fun.
Lol

My son came up with a good one.
My wife said, "Can I have a quick word?"
He said "Velocity!" and walked away.

Another Churchill-ism that I once heard concerned him making use of the w.c. when his assistant knocked on the door and said, "I'm sorry, Prime Minister but the Lord Privy Seal has demanded a meeting with you urgently."

Churchill's response was, "Tell the Lord Privy Seal that I am sealed in the privy and I can only deal with one sh*t at a time."

Priceless.

A mate of mine and his wife were having an argument when she said, "Why can't you say something constructive?"

My mate replied, "Lego."

He lived to tell the tale.

Also attributed to Gordon Strachan in a (brief) post-match interview

The "Velocity" quote - apologies

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

- Come on Joan, tell us which husband was the best lover.

- Yours

Joan Rivers interviewing Joan Collins