h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My resident landlady has told me that I am now on a 3-week probationary period with the possibility of eviction after Christmas. Why?

Well, as far as I can tell, two things:

1 - Our landlady has a bath mat. Rather than leave it on the bathroom floor like any sensible person would, she likes it picked up and spread neatly under the heated towel rail. Sometimes I leave it a little bit creased.

2 - We have little trays in the bathroom for our various personal effects. Now, then. Where does any sensible person keep their shower gel? Hung up somewhere in the vicinity of the shower? Nope - mine has to live in the tray on the other side of the bathroom. And sometimes I forget to put it back after having a shower.

Now, I'm quite aware that it is her house, and that a regime should rightly be imposed. But does anyone else think that these two crimes are so appallingly unthinkable that I should be threatened with eviction?

B

*looks incredulous*

I'd be looking for somewhere else, mate. Life's too short.

Yeah - but student teacher year is one of the most hectic of anyone's life, and I don't really need the hassle of having to pack up and go elsewhere.

B

*reads post 1 again*

Are you sure you haven't moved in with my mother?

No. She doesn't snore like your Mum does.

B

*opens mouth to say something*



*thinks better of it*

Perhaps you should ask her to put it in writing? Then you'll not only know *exactly* what the problem is, but you can compare it with your tenancy agreement. It sounds suspiciously to me as if you're out whatever happens - and she just doesn't want to do it right before Christmas. Because that would be mean...

S'right!

Have you got a contract? Check the small print very carefully - are you attached to a University while you train? The welfare department can probably help. My 'A' Level Law lecturer used to say that most tenancy contracts include so many unreasonable, vague or unenforceable terms or are so biased in favour of the landlord that any court would say 'this is a pile of s***e, we can't enforce this'.

So when our landlady was giving us trouble and we guessed she was going to keep our deposit - although we'd done nothing wrong and she'd been a nightmare throughout - I went back and got him to read the contract for us, and he drew exactly that conclusion. So with that under our belts, we faced her down and told her to take the last month's rent out of the deposit.

But at the end of the day, there's no point trying to legally enforce staying somewhere where you're not welcome - just make sure you get don't pushed around, that's all.

If she's being unreasonable and wants you out for reasons that aren't in the contract, you can extract various concessions from her while you hunt for somewhere else, and if necessary clobber her financially for inconvenience caused to you - i.e. if it's going to be a hassle to look for a new gaff, you could demand expenses incurred while house-hunting and payment of your moving costs.

If you are chucked out, then be vengeful. Here's a nice act of spite I can recommend. If she has tubular plastic curtain rails, wait until she's out of the house. Then, get a packet of frozen prawns and stuff them into the curtain rail. Within a few weeks the smell will be unbearable, but you will have moved out and she will not be able to let the room out. If she has't got curtain rails, then I'm sure you could find somewhere else to secrete them.

FM

Cod liver oil painted onto all the light-bulbs and down the back of the radiators if you're feeling nasty

Liam.

Well, here are some fine points to ponder.

This morning I find out that the 'final straw' was that I failed to remove the cork from the house corkscrew after opening a bottle of wine. You gotta laugh really, haven't you?

B

You could claim that it was a Health & Safety measure, as approved by the HSE, to prevent eejits from poking their eyes out.

Liam.

OK - I've just found my tenancy agreement, and I think I might be screwed over by clause C:

"The tenant must keep the inside of the premises and furniture and fittings clean".

Presumably my landlady would argue that my hooliganish behaviour with the shower gel is in contravention of that.

Actually, reading that sentence again, does it mean that I have to clean the inside of the furniture?

B

Your placement of the shower gel has not made the premises, fixtures or fittings any less clean.

Even if she doesn't throw you out I would seriously consider moving after christmas. There's no point putting up with the old bag if she doesn't want you there.

Liam.

Ah no, I see your defence. It says 'clean'. not 'tidy'. Two very different things. You are not filthy, you are messy.

As I've said, though, it's just a lot of hassle which I really don't need this year.

And it's not as if she's an old bag. We get on quite well most of the time.

B

She might also get me on this one:

"G3 - Shared facilities should be left in a fit and clean state for others to use."

B

'Fit'? You should leave some weights around or something?

It really sounds as if she's just being a picky cow because she's made up her mind she wants you to leave, and she's finding reasons now.

Stick gravel under her sheets.

Although if you say she's normally all right, maybe she's got something on her mind, and it's being taken out on you?

Or maybe she was just being nice out of politeness the rest of the time.

B