h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Darth Vader stalks up to Obi-Wan Kenobi and says,

"*breathing noise* Obi-Wan, I know what you're getting for Christmas *breathing noise*"

Obi-Wan strokes his beard and replies,

"Don't be ridiculous Darth, how can you possibly know what i'm getting for Christmas?"

Darth towers menacingly over Obi-Wan and hisses,

"I have felt your presence"

ooohhhh gooooddd, thats awful....!!!






Got any more.....!!

A brain hops into a pub, up onto the bar, and says (in a squeaky voice),
"Can I have a pint please?"

The barman shakes his head "No, sorry mate"

"Why not?" says the brain,

The barman replies,
"Well, you're out of your skull!"

Very much along the same lines.......

A sandwich walks into a bar and says 'can i have a pint of beer please mate?'

The Barman says 'Sorry, we don't serve food in here'.....


(gets ready for the )

For four days running, a man goes into a bar at luchtime and orders a pie and a pint. He drinks the pint and walks out with the pie on his head.

The barman is baffled by this behaviour and decides to try an experiment on the man`s next visit.

So the next day, the man comes to the bar and orders a pie and a pint. The barman tells him that they have no pies today. So the man opts for a packet of crisps. He drinks his pint and put the crisps on his head and makes for the door.

Before he leaves, curiosity gets the better of the barman and he asks the man why he has put the crisps on his head. The man replies, "well you didn`t have any pies".

(D.A. ducks at this point)

Three pieces of string go into a pub. The first one goes to the bar and tries to order 3 pints of
"Get out", says the barman, "We don't serve pieces of string in here"
So the second piece of string goes to the bar, and tries to order 3
"Hop it", says the barman, "No pieces of string in my pub".
So the third piece of string goes up to the bar, he's all tatty and knotted and loose at the edges, he asks for 3 glasses of .
"Are you a piece of string?" asks the barman.

The piece of string replies, "No, i'm a frayed knot"

(DA didn't duck quite far enough...)



The Barman and a regular are chatting at the bar when..

On Monday a rabbit walks into a pub and orders a lemonade with a cheese and ham toasted sandwich, eats it and walks out..

Tuesday the rabbit is back, he orders a lemonade with a mushroom and bean toasted sandwich, eats it and walks out..

Wednesday the rabbit is back, he orders a lemonade with a tomato and brie toasted sandwich, eats it and walks out..

Thursday the rabbit is back again, he orders a lemonade with an avocado and mozzarella toasted sandwich, eats it and walks out..

On Friday there is no sign of the Rabbit..

Saturday the barman is watering the plants outside and sees the rabbit walking past looking awful, the barman says 'Whats wrong with you, I haven't seen you for ages and you look terrible'

To which that rabbit replies.....



'I know, I nearly died from Mixin me toasties......

This guy walks into a bar, and breaks his nose,



It was an iron bar........

*pulls bin liner over head in anticipation of *

But i still want more.

OK. This guy walks out of the bar, and goes into the Pet Shop next door,

"I'd like to buy a wasp please" he says

"A What?" says the shopkeeper

"A wasp" says the man

"Stop taking the p***, we don't sell wasps here" the shopkeeper replies, quite angrily

The man looks quite hurt and says "But you've got one in the window"....

Saw that punchline coming. Next please

These are my best gags you're getting! And they're all clean

I heard this one tonight, it's a bit visual though, let's see if it works in type:

*Langly extends his hand and forearm at DA, waves it around menacingly and makes 'grrrrrrrrr' noises*

What's that?



A terror-wrist!!!!

I liked that one. Must try it out at the pub this weekend. Even if i do look like a nutter!

A guy dies and he goes to Hell. As he's allowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: "Don't be glum, chum. Hell is actually a lot of fun. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays, then. All we do is drink till we pass out."
Guy: "That sounds great."
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Then you're gonna love Wednesdays-we just smoke our lungs out. And you can't get cancer, 'cause you're already dead."
Guy: "Wow. I never realized hell was such a cool place."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble too."
Guy: "Why, yes I do."
Demon: "You'll love Fridays. We have all-day craps games."
Guy: "This is amazing!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Oooh...you're gonna hate Saturdays."

an englishman, an irishman, a scotsman and a priest walk into a pub.

The priest says 'Damn, I'm in the wrong joke'.......

Two nuns are driving along in their car, when they are stopped by a red light.
Suddenly Satan appears on the bonnet and starts making rude gestures at them
One nun turns to the other and says "Sister Mary, get out of the car, and show him your cross"
So Sister Mary gets out, goes round the front of the car and shouts "Get off the Bl**dy car you !!!!"

Drinks all round

A guy calls his local radio stationand asks the dj,what has a 2inc penis and hangs down,the dj says,dont know,the guy says a bat,what has a 12 inch penis and hangs up,the dj says dont know,and then hears the dialing tone.

what do all men who join a singles club have in common.....they are all married.