h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

WIFE: i have a headache

HUSBAND: perfect. i was just in the bathroom powdering my private parts with aspirin. you can take it orally or as a suppository.

(that`s the extemely toned down version)

Three grannies have died and are going to Heaven. They waft up to the Pearly Gates and are met by St Peter, who says that they must each answer one question, a tie-breaker, to get into Heaven. "Fair enough" they say.
He asks Grannie One - "What is the name of the first man God created?"
"That's easy" she says "Adam"
Ta Da! Trumpets sounds, angels cheer and the gates open. The old lady goes into Heaven
"What is the name of the first woman God created?" St Peter asks the 2nd old lady.
"Eve" she replies.
Ta Da. Trumpets sound, angels cheer, the 2nd Gran enters.
St Peter turns to the 3rd old woman.
"What did Eve say to Adam when they first opened their eyes and saw each other.?"
"Oooh.." says the 3rd Gran."Ooh, that's a hard one"...
Ta Da...

Glad to see you`re keeping the theme going.

after a long unresoved argument
Husband: so what are you going to elave me now
Wife: daling how could I ever leave you
Husband: by car trane plane bus boat moter bike, cycle,horse cammel

A boy starts training in a large department store,the manager says to him we will put you into the garden centre and see how you do,a gentleman comes in and the young lad says can i help you sir,,the gentleman asks for a pkt of grass seed,that will be £1.99 sir,the gentle man turns to walk away and the young lad says excuse me sir would you like to buy a lawnmower,the gentleman says what do i want a lawnmower for?the lad says well,when the grass grows you will have to cut it,the gentleman buys the lawnmower.The manager says that was good that you using your initiative,i think we will put you in the pharmacy dept.a guy comes in and asks for a pkt of tampax,pays for them and turns to walk away,the young lad says excuse me you wouldnt like to buy a lawnmower,the guy says what would i want with a lawnmower and the lad says well,you wont be doing anything this weekend,you may as well cut the grass..

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that
crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and
that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon
is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says

"Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton.

"Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I
think people should be able to make their own choices about things
and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.
I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and
sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates.

"Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

How do you know when a blondes been on a pc
.
theres tippex on the screen

oh I know the sequal to that one

Q how dow you know when another blonde has used the PC afterward?

A there's writing on the twink on the screen


*shakes head: there are so few clean blonde jokes*

Three men were waiting to get into heaven (why do all of these jokes start that way?) and God asked each one, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"
The first said, "I dunno, ten, maybe 15, who's keepin' count?"
So God gave him a Civic to drive in.
The second said, "Well, 50, 60, I wasn't really counting?"
So God gave him a bike to use.
The third said, "Sir, I've never cheated on my wife."
So he got a Mercedes.
After a few days, they all happened to meet up together at a corner. The man in the Mercedes looked very unhappy. The others asked, "Why are you so sad, you've got a Mercedes!" And he replied, "I just saw my wife go by on roller skates."

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does
it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a
human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go
to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says,
"why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Applause

Thank you, thank you.... (takes a bow..)