h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sign me up, by all means.

...But there's a small matter about the ale. Does it or does it not come in pints? And do I get a fourteenth of said proffits, providing I return? And then there's the thing about breakfast, and second breakfast, and elevensies, and luncheon, and afternoon tea... And of course dinner and supper. You know about those, don't you...?

-JJ

And Me...

I imagine it must come in pints JJ - but all I really want is lots of bacon

Yeah, bacon, too. And tomatoes.

I expect we'll be fed well, and all that?

Err...

...Not entirely sure whether you got the idea about profits from, but it's OK by me if you take a fourteenth share. Between two of you so far. Oh well, it's kind of a traditional fraction, I guess.

The beer...bacon...breakfast etc. You can have those things too, yeah, fine by me. Pints. Yeah, OK. Something tells me you wouldn't be impressed if I suggested bottled continental lagers and tapas as an alternative? No, I thought not. That stuff's traditional as well, I suppose.

Look, I'm not a wizard or anything. I'm a seal, atch. I kind of assumed that marine mammals wouldn't play a major part in the story. I'll just tag along, OK?

If no wizards turn up, I could summon an albatross at a pinch. No, I guess that doesn't seem right, somehow. Take your point.

You guys seem to know what you're doing, better than me at any rate. You're in charge. OK?

P.

*promptly delegates all authority to Jedi Jade*
I struggle under pressure, I'm just a lowly Habbit

, can I bring my broomstick & at least one of the s? Oh and the rucsak?

Errr...yeah...sure...

Everybody can bring what they like, eat what they like, be who they like, yeah?

...why are you all looking at me like I know what happens next...?

P.

I'm a wizard Honest. I even come with a wide range of cryptic and disturbing sayings, as I'll now demonstrate - Are you frightened?

...

You will be...
OK, perhaps I'm mixing my genres, but I really want to take part in this quest deal, provided I get an adequate supply of weed. Everyone knows wizards smoke weed, right? Jah man...

...I think we definitely need a wizard. They're the purposeful ones, right? Brooding and portentous, yeah? You've got to take these guys and give them a vision, an objective, OK?

Now we're getting somewhere!

...I've got seaweed, that any good?

P.

Do you mock me, Pinniped? Do not toy with the emotions of wizards, for they are fragile and quick to depression...

I think I can do this brooding, serious bit. Cue ominous music, flickering shadows.
Gather round, everyone, and I'll spin you a tale so monstrous it will have you writing to the papers in protest, a tale about an elemental evil from the dawn of prehistory, a tale about one little penguin, and how his evil, twisted malice could destroy us all...

I'll let that sink in. See you in a bit, this is where I pop off and leave you bewildered and scared. For now, just get the little lump of plasticine to the Gay Hussar pub in swinging Soho. I'll meet you all there.

Err...Hi There, Mr Legion-Wizard person...yeah...

Hey, look, I'm really sorry about the inappropriate weed-references. It's just that, well, seaweed is quite a delicacy in my phylum, and it has kind of, you know, certain stimulating qualities. Like the love-drive thing. Or so I'm told...err...we don't do the head-thing much, see? Except now and again banging our skulls on the ice. It makes cool little stars, you should try it...yeah...anyway...I'm sorry...yeah. Just don't turn me into anything, OK?

Anyhow, we've got a mission now. Thanks to you, your Grace! Sounds cool. Purposeful. Yeah. Sorry, not Grace. Highness. Whatever...

Look, I'm just a bit worried that these rustic guys are going to get a bit unco-operative about a pub in Soho. I mean, Men of the World like you and me know a little bit about Legit Cred, City Scene, right? But these guys in the smelly leather-gear, well, they seem to be a bit hung up on Tree and Leaf, that kind of thing, yeah...

...Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, yeah, good idea. I'll shut up then...

COME ON YOU LOT! We know where we're going. And who's got the plasticine?

P.

*plasticine floats vaguely at the end of one of the Habbit's sleeves*

wait for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


i'm coming if you've no objections to a borg tribble.......just dont make me carry the plasticine unless its very cold because it will get stuck in my fur.

oh, and i want my share of any profits in hair gel

FABT

*waits impatiently on the kerb outside the pub*

Well, you needn't think I'm going in there on my own again, snide comments about my designer cloak & they refused to serve me a without one of those blasted plastic umbrellas.

*tugs cloak*

I'll come in with you Granny.
If you'll lift me up onto a chair. I can see already that being roughly the size of a grapefruit could be a distinct disadvantage on this quest.....I am having difficulties seeing over the doorstep!

FABT

*glides in gently behind Granny and FABT, hiding the plasticine in a pocket*

hey! watch where you glide. that was nearly my fur!

FABT

Right then mines a no plastic umbrella, no ice, dry or otherwise and if I smell even the vaguest hint of a cherry, someone's going to be in big trouble.

I'll eat the cherry


I'd drown in the drink

FABT

*decides to eschew the cherry brandy*
But I would like a
The pressure of this plasticine is getting to me, but I must struggle onwards with my burden