h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*and so wrapped in protective invisibilty, the two women bravely strode forth*

and if there's a queue for the ladies, I vote we go in the men's.

May I have a straw please - I imagine it would make me look less suspicious, and perhaps enhance my eyes.
The plasticine is safe - but I'm not sure whether to wear it on a chain round my neck or keep it in my pocket...

*takes to fortify self*

Good Evening Ladies and...hmmm...well, anyway...

I am the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine, barman in this esteemed establishment. As you can see, I am a physically superior specimen of an elephant seal. Ugh...some of you are disgustingly slender, though I do tend to agree with you about the penguins.

Now, about this Quest. I see that you are all getting along rather well. I don't even have to forget to give you the letter that a certain wizard left me, since you've met him already. Oh, by the way, you are going to pay for those coolers and peanuts, aren't you?

Similarly, there might have been a shady individual in the corner complaining about Granny Weatherwax dancing on the tables, but I think you have a selection of dodgy characters here who can do the job just as well. He would have been a bit of a pain, anyway. Making claims to the throne can tend to attract the attention of dark forces when questing in the Central London area.

Oh, you'd like to see the letter anyway? I can tell you the gist of what it said. You'll have noticed that Pinniped hasn't been around for a while? I have to warn you that Pinniped spent rather a long time in possession of the Pingu-remnants. He sometimes refers to them as "His Precious". Need I say more?

Now get out of my Pub before you permanently repel my clientele...What?...you want to know where the BBC Television Centre is? Oh, my gawd. Get out, get out. We can't have that kind of talk in here...

* frantically draws curtains and attempts to cower behind the bar, which is difficult for a two-tonne animal *

Go away. You have to cross Hyde Park, like the wizard said. As if you'll get that far...Just GO AWAY...

but there are some of our party still in the ladies....or possibly in the gents, we'll have to wait for them

*sits in a huff on the pavement twiddling her sleeves*

Do we have to go through Hyde Park? we couldn't just take the tube?

We don't want to somewhere REALLY dangerous , do we?
.... Mornington Crescent, for example???

*Wonders whether this Quest is going the right way at all, seeing as Pingu never originated from the BBC anyway. *

/ Oh dear what can the matter be? 2 questors stuck in the lavatory

*walks into the pub, asking the barman for ale*

*looks suspiciously at the questors*

Hrrmph...

* ominous sound of a displeased elephant seal clearing its throat *

Click...

* ominous sound of a displeased elephant seal unlocking the door to the Gents *

Crash-Thud-Scrape-Squeal-Clatter-Moan-Whack-General Cacophony

* ominous sound of a displeased elephant seal forcibly directing a questing rabble onto the doorstep *

Right you lot, consider yourselves forcibly ejected. And banned for life. You've already wasted a day of perfectly good questing time. You can take the tube, you can walk, you can do what you like, but you know where to go. You are not Saving the World by sitting in the pub. Particularly when you obviously have no intention of paying for anything.

An important point : you have heard that Pingu was not created by the BBC. While that is technically true, it is a foolish and misleading assertion. Pingu was created by a bunch of Teutonic troglodytes with pointy fingers and wispy beards (Director : Otmar Gutmann of Telepool Europaish, with funding from SRG/ZDF/EDITOY, if you really want to get pedantic). Sure, and they made a lot of other Kids' TV characters, too, but they were tricked. When they made the One Penguin, the Penguin of Power, all of the other characters fell under the thrall of the...Need I go on with this? You've got the picture, haven't you...?

Don't you realise that there are dark forces abroad, even now? Only a few minutes ago, there was a shady and terrifying creature round the back, athking after the plathtithine. I mean plasticine....Oh no, I think it might have cast the Black Breath on me. I seem to be dripping with a horrible thin slime...aaaaggghhh!

* the barman rushes back inside, screaming, and slams the door *

achk!

some of that smilme got on my fir! quick, someone pour a beer over me before i stick to the floor.

FABT

This home-brew scrumpy should shift it!!!

*Emerging from around the back somewhere*

Did someone say scrumpy? Has anyone seen Granny? I thought she'd followed me out through the loo window.

thanks bagheera, i';m a bit fizzy but at least i'm not stuck to the floor now *licks fur*













*licks some more*














*licks some more*




















hic!








FABT

*staggers out the door carrying several crates of , dumps on kerb & removes cloak of invisibility*

Those should do us for a while, give us a hand to stow them in the rucsak someone

*picks up inebriated tribble & places her carefully in her apron pocket to recover*

Are we all ready then, all form up & I'll clear us a gap in the traffic to cross the road.

Yes, well perhaps we shouldn't go by Mornington Crescent. There are fouler things than radio gameshows...

How about Baker Street?

*reaches for her axe & plays the searing solo at the end*

Who's got the sax then? If we practise a bit we might raise enough for a taxi to Hyde Park

*grabs sax in both arms*
oh yeah I forgot - no fingers, could be problematic


I could do a nice bit of plasticine floating though...

I have heard told of mysterious agencies at work within Mornington Crescent.

*licks finger and holds it in the air*

Mmmm. Winds in the East, mist blowing in, like something is happening, about to begin...

Where was I? I'm feeling terribly dry. Any of that that won't fit in the rucksack so will need drinking before we set off?

Oo, I've just remembered. I've got a rather old A-Z of London, P29 is missing, it doesn't have the new Jubilee Line marked, sadly it doesn't extend as far as television centre at Shepherd's Bush, but it's available if we need it. Some of the pages are stuck together too, but I'm sure there's nothing important on them.

Better keep that well hidden, remember what the barkeeper said - If there's no more volunteers for the sax, we'd better start walking.

*trudges off up the road*