h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

....under any circumstances throw an engagement ring you bought in secret into any major rivers. Even if you ahve just been dump[ed by letter.

Take it back to the Jewellers and get a refund.

Women- Don't give back your enegagement rings, ever!

I know this girl in quesation might have hgad three in total if she had jsut waited a little longer.

Funny that this should come up, because I was discussing this eact siutation with a couple of other girls in my office earlier this week. (let's call them S & D to make the rest of this post easier to read).

S has a friend who has just split up with her fiance. Her engagement ring was much admired by all her firends (one hell of a rock apparently), and S wondered whether or not she would give it back to him.

D reckoned she should keep it, that it was a gift, like getting a necklace or bracelet for birthday or Xmas. The fact that it was probably a lot more valuable didn't effect her opinion at all. I, on the other hand, thought that it was more morally correct to give it back. S was more inclined towards D's way of thinking than mine, but wasn't quite so adamant about it.

Maybe it's an age related thing (I'm 37, S=25, D=24). What do others think?

...and we also need to start a campaign for a spell checker!

Let's try again....


Funny that this should come up, because I was discussing this exact situation with a couple of other girls in my office earlier this week. (let's call them S & D to make the rest of this post easier to read).

S has a friend who has just split up with her fiance. Her engagement ring was much admired by all her friends (one hell of a rock apparently), and S wondered whether or not she would give it back to him.

D reckoned she should keep it, that it was a gift, like getting a necklace or bracelet for birthday or Xmas. The fact that it was probably a lot more valuable didn't effect her opinion at all. I, on the other hand, thought that it was more morally correct to give it back. S was more inclined towards D's way of thinking than mine, but wasn't quite so adamant about it.

Maybe it's an age related thing (I'm 37, S=25, D=24). What do others think?

The Ring is supposed to signify a promise and love. Keeping it shows you are willing to keep that promise and that love for all time. Thats just how it works, at least I thought that just how it works. Or am I just a crazy romantic?

Elle

I vote for giving back the ring on the grounds of good ettiquette. Ladies may keep every bit of jewlery given to them--except for an engagement ring when the engagement is broken off. Hock the pearls or the diamond earrings if you will, but return the ring.
Besides, you may have promised to love for all time, but he's changed his mind. Better to let it go and take the high road.

Do women usually give engagement gifts? I always thought that if any fool was silly enough to give me a rock, I would want to give him something too so that he has something special from me as I have something special from him. I wouldn't want it back if we split up before the wedding, but I wouldn't expect to give him the ring back either, depending on circumstances I suppose.

Does it matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee? If he dumps her then surely he can't then expect to get the ring back? If she dumps him then different story.

I got dumped by letter on my sixteenth birthday. Picture the scene...

Hooray it is my birthday, and look, a pile of cards from the post man. Surely my love has sent me one, yes, there is his handwriting. *hurries to open card from boyfriend*. Oh. *rest of day spent crying*

What a s**t he was. Next day I realised that what he had done was horrible, that meant he was a really unpleasant person. Thank goodness I found out before it was too late! Was happy again before too long...

k

The swine .................I think Homer Simpson dealt with it beautifully when he told Lisa..."Let that be a lesson Lisa,never trust anyone"........
Take care ianmac.

not dump someone though - don't just not ring or return messages or anything - that is just cruel

to be honest i've mainly been the dumper, and i've learnt that over the phone is really really bad and insensitive (oops), in person is better, but you need to allow time for discussion, yelling etc, especially if you have been together for a long time

also a clean break is essential - otherwise you are being nice cos you don't want to hurt the other party, they think that you want to get back together

span

I've just typed this once and lost it...
Good psychology there Span'..........I tended to be the dumpee and i'm being charitable to myself saying tended.take care ianmac

The rule I've heard is that if the engagement ring is offered as a birthday, Christmas, or other appropriate gift-giving holiday present, if dumped, the woman may keep it. If the ring is given strictly as a symbol of the engagement with no other occasion affiliation, it should be returned.

Of course in this day and age, it's hard for me to imagine one person being able to pull off the payments on a nice ring. If the ring was charged to a credit card that both parties make payments toward, that adds another nice level of complexity. Return the ring to the jeweler, split the cash?

I read this in a page on etiquette:

Q.If an engagement is broken, does the woman have to return the ring to the man?
A: No, if he is the one who broke it; yes if she is the one who broke it.

Says it all really - to the (moral) victor go the spoils

When I broke my first engagement off, I returned the ring without a moment's hesitation. (Frankly, I didn't want the reminder of him, and it wasn't worth enough to fight over.) Blimey, I sound heartless and mercenary, don't I? But it was a long while ago, and he was a g*t.

Pea.

I don't think Pea sounds a bit heartless or mercenary--rather sensible and dignified is more like it. Good on you, Pea.

As a flower of the American South (where etiquette runs along old fashioned lines), I do disagree with the ettiquette site Pea cites. Even if one is dumped cruelly by a filthy cad, one returns the ring to said cad. To double-check, I looked this up in an ettiquette guide which said "The laws of ettiquette absolutely require you to return an engagement ring when the engagement is broken, for whatever reason, and by however nasty a fiance."

As for whether or not the bride gives an engagement gift to the groom--yes, she does. She gives the honor of her consent to be his wife and that's pretty nice. She or her family also buy the groom's wedding ring and pay for the ceremony. Frankly, only having to buy an engagement ring is getting out ahead of the financial game if all goes through as planned. By the way, fat Kelli CEO's ex-boyfriend is a jerk. And I thought my 16th was bad--I had out-patient surgery.

I was also raised believing that one should NEVER give an engagment ring as a birthday present or Christmas (or other holiday) present. The engagement should always be it's own event.

And as for the prosepect raised by Talix18 that a bride and groom might go "dutch" on an engagement ring--well, let's just say that idea put me into to full-on Scarlet O'Hara swooning and getting the vapors mode. If the groom can't afford a big impressive ring--so what? A modest ring given with love is WONDERFUL and any woman who can't handle that should take a moment to think about why exactly she wants a ring. ALSO, any man not willing to lay out his own money on a modest ring should really think about why he's giving it.

But, if a couple does split the cost of the ring, then yes, they should return it together and split the cash. And what a fun trip to the jewellers that would be...Ugh.

I still think I will give him a gift too, something he can keep with him all the time. I like the thought of him wearing my gift so he has a constant reminder of how much I love him, in the same way as I would enjoy wearing my ring.

"She gives the honor of her consent to be his wife and that's pretty nice." - it is nice, but I think I am worth more than some rock and a bit of gold, he can't buy me with just that

As for "She or her family also buy the groom's wedding ring and pay for the ceremony" - my folks are not very well off and if he thinks he can weasel out of coughing up half the cash for the ceremony he can think again!

That bloke was a jerk, and the thing was, he dumped me in such an unthinking, nasty way that I recovered almost immediately - who wants to go out with somebody that would be so callous?

Current chap is much much much nicer

k

Actually, giving your fiance a gift is a lovely idea. I don't know why you shouldn't. I gave my now-husband a fountain pen which he uses all the time. It's not a quid pro quo thing though. Like, I'm giving you this ring, so pony up lady.

Nor is giving the honor of your consent something given in exchange for the ring. He's not buying you. I think the engagement ring all dates back to the old idea that the man must present some evidence that he's serious and also able to provide. Don't know for sure on that. I think the bride's family paying for the wedding goes back to the idea of the dowry. Again, I'm not sure.

A lot of couples do split the cost of the wedding now. I don't wonder (or blanch) at that. Weddings cost a mint! Good luck with yours!

I thought the engagement ring was a way of saying ,that a chick was spoken for.ianmac

well ... she dumped me after sleeping with some one for 3 months and kept the ring. Why ? she plainly told me she did not love me ...

ohh I know .. she got herself in lots of debt and hocked it to pay it all of ... (very big ring, bought it on the thought that i would never buy another one)

but then if she gave it back what would i do with it, keep it and make myself go mad ?

If you agreed to let her keep the ring and hock to get herself out of debts--well, that says that you are a very generous person, probably more generous than she deserved.

The deed is done and can't be undone. She really should have returned it though--in this case, not to do so was one last meanness on top of all the others.