h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You walk in to the office, after passing through numerous security checkpoints including palm scans and anti-doggie tests. AKA if ur a dog ur a very hurt and suffering one. Venom, if he's not off fighting the doggie-dom (or is that dumb doggies, I never was quite sure) of the ACF, or on some other sort of mission that he would waste time on, is currently sitting in a large recliner watching sub-eta tv. His cat is resting on his armrest. (He's usually not a cat when he's here, opposable thumbs are quite useful) His desk sits off to the side of the recliner, a door leads to the necessary requirements of a suite, including bedroom, bath, and bowling alley.

Also, this is where he keeps his Anti-dog forum armory.

You mean I would be a very hurt and suffering one... except I'm testing out the ACF's newest product.

Anyway, your systems run on Windows CE, so they're not all THAT hard to break .

*Looks at the Anti-dog forum armory...*

Holy ****

*runs off*

*runs back in again*
*crouches down beside the wall and takes out the tricorder that he stole from Captin Kirk the other day ()*

Ah, ha! These would be the manual lockout systems

*takes out a 5 1/2 inch floppy disk*

Let's just load this baby up with a bit of Linux, dog style!

>Computer: Security lockout enabled. Command systems offline. Door locks will be engaged in five seconds...

*runs out*

>Computer: 4,3,2,1... Emergency lockout activated. Command systems are disabled for 48 hours. Door locks are enabled for 48 hours. Command lockout code Tux-Alpha-5

>Computer: It is now safe to turn off your computer

*computer crashes*

[computer] Nice try puppy. This is the backup system. This hotel is now under FULL LOCKDOWN! Teleports deactivated. Traffic halted. Shuttle cancelled. Sectional blast doors shut. Roof-mounted laser cannons armed. Fuel depot shut down, now extra secure because of recent dog bomb. Thank you for using Windows 2000 Professional. Security patches completely updated. [Venom, from the bowling alley] Hello. *calmly walks over to his armory and takes out a nice Kill-O-Zap brand plasma cannon.* Now, why don't we head down to the Gift Shop and have ourselves a little chat, shall we? Don't think that because I'm guardless means I'm helpless. *points the cannon to his head, and walks him down the empty halls to http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F81841?thread=159458&latest=1 *

*walks over to his main system, and his backup system, and disables the 5_1/2 floppy drive, as well as places a palm scanner over the CD/DVD-R drives and the 3_1/2 floppy drive

You forgot the Zip disk drive

*puts in a zip disk*
*loads up h2g2amp TM*
*Starts playing hardcore dance music*

On second thoughts, you might want to leave that alone

Oh yeah! *remove's Axe's Zip, and places a palmscanner over the Zip250, the Zip100, the Click Drive, the Jaz drive, the USB ports, the Serial Port, the Parallel Port, the Firewire, and the PS/2 Port. Hands Axe a Zip250 for his h2g2Amp use, plus a Rio Diamond MP3 player. Places the traditional hotel elevator music back on*

You forgot the tape drive...

*Puts the palm of his hand onto Venom's security computer and presses a few buttons*

>Computer: Please enter your voiceprint pattern

Axe_123, Bartender

>Computer: Voiceprint stored. You are now verified for systems access inside your domain subsystems. Full systems access requires confirmation by a systems administrator.

Thank you

*computer crashes*

What did I tell you about crashing my systems? *restarts the main system, confirms Axe to all Lvl-1 security areas (everything but here, room 187723, the Fighter Bay, and the portal to the Cathouse), and re-assigns the backup system to his myriad games of tetris and asteroids!* *gets back into the system and locks Axe out of all command subsystems with a very HARSH lockdown, gives him a few games, and puts a lock over his system resource limit* Denial-Of-Service can't be forgotten, now can it. *sets up the backup system to lock Axe out of all areas except the escape routes*

*after bowling a respectable 200, he walks back in and plays Asteroids(tm)*

High score! *goes to playing Descent Freespace: The Great War , a very tolerable space fighter sim*

*Walks in, obviously very frustrated, sits in his Flight Sim cockpit chair and loads up Descent Freespace, determined to beat the Shivan cruiser Lucifer*

[Eva, patching into his VR] CV, we have a comsat emergency. Shutting down sim now.
[CV] D***it, I was so close!

Hey, EVA, stay out of CV's vr kit.

[eva] Confirmed.

Eva, keep axe out of my office unless I clear it with you ahead of time.
[Eva] Confirmed. Axe, this is fair warning. Point-defense lasers will fire at you in ten seconds if you have not left this office.
[CV] That'll work.

Is three days longer than 10 minutes?

*runs out*

I believe I said seconds, Axe, but my staff is valuable.

Remember, my door is always open! Just most of the time it has lasers guarding it.