h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is an email I recently received and if it's true I dispair!! Some of these are so silly they might actually be true, and that's what worries me - these are the people who will be running the country in 20 years time.

Well, here it goes:


The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



Technology

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheikh wears on his head

I'm sure I've seen some of these before somewhere. Still good to raise a laugh, though. And at least some of them show some wit and intelligence, even if it's coupled with ignorance.

TRiG.

don't if these things are actually genuine or not-a couple of years ago there was an indentical one-but for history, doing the rounds. I wonder if its just someone having a laugh.
Still, they are quite funny.

Hope it's just someone having a laugh. They are quite funny.

I hope it's someone just having a laugh too-at the risk of me suddenly sounding like a terrible right-wing "oooohh what's happening to the education of children these days..." type.
If it is true it just gives fuel to the silly argument of some that GCSE's and A levels aren't sufficient anymore, which is not very good. A level students already get enough stick with the year-on-year results debate in the press anyway.

Ahhh reminds me of my much happier days

The question was something like:
Describe a threat to the environment

What did Mark do? Mark drew a nuclear explosion across the entire page with people running away...

I also liked the one about the food chain, where I drew a giant bee with a happy face. I think he was called Dave (yes, he had a speach bubble saying 'My names Dave and I'm a Bee')

General studies; whole lotta love for all the wrong reasons.

I did get a near b*ll*cking for it though the last time round - in my thrid re-sit of AS level general studies (I did all the papers three times I think, go me!) I used some more explicit language and went to sleep.

I got called in to the office naturally, by a very stern teacher who told me I was in a lot of trouble and proceeded to try and give me a good telling off:
"Why have you sworn all over this paper"
"Well I didnt actually mean to.. if you look most of the time I drew pictures...(*stern look from fella*)... I mean I've done that the last few times because I dont want to do this exam but I wont get EMA if I dont go"
"This simply isnt acceptable. Were going to have to send this home to your parents"
"Oh yeh course by all means I'm quite happy with that. Could you send a copy to my dad as well as he lives at a seperate address *hint of a smile*"
"Erm... well... yes... well I'll see about getting your re-sit cancelled"

He never did. I went back several weeks later to ask for it, and got told they were confidential and 'probably lost'. Shame really.

Ah yes, general studies *sighs* I remember in my GS exam I had a question about charities and spoke about a viscious circle, i did a diagram...of a viscious circle attacking and eating a square

Wow general studies sounds fun! Glad I never did it. Wasn't even an option. Not complaining. Doesn't sound fun.