h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My parents just called. My grandmother can no longer get out of bed. She hasn't eaten or taken any medication all day. She's lost control of her bowel, and can't keep anything down. She's in renal failure and running a low-grade temperature. And on top of everything, the gangrene looks to be worse. And she refuses to go to the hospital. By law, they can't call an ambulance until she's non-responsive, and I think by then it'll be too late.

I think she's getting ready to die at home.

The last time I saw her would be Christmas.

I feel like I'm a horrible person for just wanting this to be over. It's causing my dad a lot of pain to see his mom like this- he lost his dad almost 14 years ago. Mom can't be taking this well- she used to be an EMT, and she knows what happens when heart failure, renal failure, and diabetes get together in someone who can't- or won't- take care of herself. She should have been in assisted living 10 years ago- now she's into hospice territory. I want to remember my grandma as the proud, politic-playing woman that she was, not someone who can't get out of bed. We were never very close, but we never really got the opportunity to get close, either.

In any case, I know I'm going to miss her.

If I disappear in the coming weeks without telling anyone, I've gone home.

You're not a horrible person.

Hope it all goes well!

I'm so sorry, Scan. Have you've been lurking the Atelier? There seems to be a rash of this going on. It's just a little weird.

Scan a big mate is the order of the day

and P.S. your not a bad person at all

RJR

My nan's in the same situation, she's been bad on and off for the past two years now so i'm expecting it any day really

You need someone my address is on my personal space. Or if its not then it should be. Actually you probably have it.

Thinking that does not make you a bad person.

You remember your Gran the way she was when you were a kid

I still feel a little sad for not visiting my grandparents more before they had the car accident. Grandpa died from his injuries, and I didn't dare go in and say farewell to his body. I regret that. Grandma survived, but she is old now, and getting slower and weaker.

You will still remember your grandma the way she was.

Now, I don't want to force you into something that feels to heavy for you. You make your own decision. I will you what ever your choice is!

Oooh dear - I have just become a grandma for the fourth time - is this what I have to look forward to?

Scan, my dad died a year ago, and for years I had the same feelings - feelings of being completely useless, and just wishing, for his sake, that he could pass away quietly. We have so little control in this whole process. You *will* remember her as she was when she was fully mobile and alert and full of life and all those things. Those memories will stay with you too. Don't worry about that.

My thoughts go out to your family.

'I think she's getting ready to die at home.'

'I want to remember my grandma as the proud [...] woman that she was'

I think you still can.
It sounds like she has made up her mind that if she's gonna die she's gonna do it her way, in a place of her choosing, without the mecicalised death of a hospital.

Thanks everyone. I know I can always count on you guys for support. This sort of thing does seem to be going around, doesn't it?

She made it through last night- still in bad shape. She was claiming that her next stop was going to be the cemetary. However, my parents finally got her in an ambulance- I think they either talked her into it, or convinced the EMT that she wasn't capable of making her own decisions anymore. But she's on her way to the hospital now.

They've told me not to come home, but I think I know what's going to happen. My dad's kind of in denial. He doesn't want to see me hurt, so he's not letting me know everything that's going on (incidentally, he did the same thing when my dog passed away- completely different, but anyway) but I can hear the strain in his voice. My mom's more straightforward with me- not totally, but she's giving me enough information so that I can figure it out, whether she knows it or not.

It's OK with me that she wants to die at home- it's her choice, I respect her greatly for that, and for what it's worth, when I'm in that situation, I'll probably choose the same way. But I have a problem with the way she's doing it. My parents can't administer pain medicine. Her sister can't lift her out of bed to change her diaper. No one anywhere in the neighborhood is qualified to insert an IV to give her fluids. What I'd like to see happen is either she goes to a hospice center, or we have someone come around to keep her comfortable.

I'll keep you posted.

She is in the hospital, and much more comfortable now. They're running some tests, but we can all kind of see the results coming.

Scandrea, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. I hope you don't mind my dropping over to your space.

My dad has been in a nursing home since June, when he was still rational, but too weak to live at home anymore. In the past couple of months, he's been more and more delusional, saying really awful things. The social worker at the home called me to verify that, no, he actually *hadn't* molested me or my sister as children...

I think I would prefer him to be lucid and fading, as your grandma is, as I know how much he would hate this if he was more aware of what he is saying.

Take care and God bless

SC

SC

She's stabilized over the weekend. They have her on some fluids, and that helped a lot. She's becoming more lucid now, and I think maybe she's starting to see that she really can't stay at home anymore.

My dad is checking on some care centers now. It's not fair to her or us to keep going the way it was, but I think it's going to be OK.

Thanks for your support everyone- I was really scared this time.

You're welcome Scan, that's why we're here

Scandrea, I'm so glad she's doing better and that her situation will be better for her.

Improvement seems to be going around. My stepbrother called to tell me that my dad was actually up and walking in the hallway this afternoon! He hasn't been able to do that in a while.

SC

Scan, I am glad she is doing better. Whether to have someone at home or in a hospice/hospital is a difficult decision, and should depend on the carers' ability to cope. Caring for a sick person can be soul destroying, especially with so little help.

You are not a bad person for wanting it to be over. It is natural - why would anyone want to see a loved one suffer any longer than they have to? We all hang on to them, for ourselves, but we all need to know when to let go.

Many and . Been there, done it, and now in advancing years myself, the boot could be on th other foot - not a comfortable thought.

Take care, keep in touch,

Websailor