h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

From : the Director of Social Services, London Borough of Southwark
To : the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine

Dear Sir

Thank you for your letter seeking reassurance, on behalf of h2g2 Researchers, that Ms Tracey Emin is not being considered by my department for any vacancies that might involve bedmaking.

I regret to inform you that I am unable to identify job applicants in this way.

Yours etc...

From : the Managing Director, The Welding Institute
To : the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine

Dear Sir

Thank you for your letter of 18th March.

I think your concerns are unfounded because Mr Anthony Gormley has no plans, so far as I am aware, to enrol as an engineering fabrication apprentice.

Yours etc...

From : the Chairman, the British Medical Association
To : the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine

Dear Sir

First, it is my sad duty to inform you that Mr Picasso is, in fact, dead.

If hope that you will be consoled to learn that he never attempted to register as a cosmetic surgeon.

Yours etc...

From : the Human Resources Director, Tesco Ltd
To : the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine

Dear Sir

I think you are mistaken. According to our records, there is nobody called Hirst working in our meat-packing department.

Yours etc...

From : the Human Resources Director, Tesco Ltd
To : the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine

Dear Sir

There is no Carl Andre working as a shelf-stacker either.

Please stop writing these inane letters. I do not consider that the possession of a store loyalty card justifies your claimed status as "a major organisational stakeholder".

Yours etc...

From : the Human Resources Director, Tesco Ltd
To : the Speak-Your-Weight-Machine

Dear Sir

I have now forwarded your ridiculous letters to our solicitors.

We have absolutely no intention of seeking out descendents of William Morris to 'do our carrier bags'.

Yours etc...

Ah, I see you've entered the letter writing phase.
And that you know the difference between mayonaise and malaise.

The secret to happiness during these episodic malaisian and mayonasian variants is to find a really good mailing list and get really creative. Inform people of lost millions or found mittens and be completely obstreperous.

I see that you're still getting replies from these imaginary people when you should really be pissing them off or scaring them into total and utter(?) silence.

May I suggest that letters to Father Christmas can be a great way to let off steam. There is some certainty that He will not respond unless you ask for recipes involving deer meat. Makes a good pie filling does deer meat. But go easy on the oregano.

~jwf~

Yowza joof

This is a kind of coward's response to some comments about a piece I did on Emin. There was some serious confusion of workmanship and art in that thread, so I thought that Speak ought to compound it a little.

There was one remark in the thread that particularly frightened me. Someone actually said that good art shouldn't reveal the personality of the artist. I can only hope that someone gives them a good going over for that (anonymously, of course, just for the irony)

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