h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Today, I have learned that a 'zumbooruk' is a small, swivel-mounted cannon designed to be fired from the back of a camel.

So there.

That'll be a good word for Scrabble.

Oh wait. It's nine letters. Damn.

One hump or two?

How should I know? I thought you were the aspiring naval architect.

Even though Camels are known as 'ships of the desert' and my home state has more of its fair share of sand. (Even my front garden has more than its far share of sand as a recent mowing has reveled.) Camels are a bit out of my reckoning. I thought I was doing well to recognize that there are two types.

F S

I know that that a Chihauwitzer© is a weapon that fires small dogs of various calibres. Believe you me the terrible destructive power of ballistic toy poodles is something that has to be seen to be believed

How goes it Pin ?

...Ahem...

It goes, Sir, it goes. And to be quite truthful, it goes rather slowly at the moment. The blotchy one's literary career is busy not taking off elsewhere, and the albatross is working out her migratory frustrations somewhere in the South Atlantic.

I presume that Alberta will have rather more to say shortly, having first perused your patch from a great height, so that she can make a few topical remarks that miss the point entirely.

If you have one that fires small seals, btw, then I'd like to place an order.

Yours, etc

SYWM

My Cherished Commander,

Oh! How wistful I became when Speak told me that you had called.

Do you remember those times, when the distance between us was the merest feathertip? I can never forget the burning hot nights, nor the pain that wracked me. It was terribly good of you to lend me your embrocation, and I really should have returned it. I think it was probably Mr Pinniped who drank it.

Because of that shameful omission on my part, I was at once delighted and mortified by your gift of polystyrene. The large cardboard box will certainly come in very useful too. Incidentally, you must have accidentally enclosed an invoice for something called a Chihauwitzer©. I have posted the invoice back to you, in case it’s important (sorry about the absence of a stamp).

Whatever a Chihauwitzer© is, it certainly costs a lot more money than we could afford, and confirms my expectation that you must be quite the businessman these days.

In fact even Speak didn’t seem to know what a Chihauwitzer© is, though I confess that I haven’t seen much of him since about the time that your parcel arrived. To be quite honest, I’ve been fully occupied in tending the concussed penguins that keep crashing down onto the ice.

Did you realise that they could fly? For some reason, I’d got the idea that they couldn’t. I must have completely forgotten about the slight burning smell that they exude too. My age, I suppose.

The polystyrene really was a charming idea. I must admit that I’d never heard of the tradition, but Speak assures me that among all those little turd-like scraps in the shape of S’s, there will be a single one in the shape of an “A”.

I confess that I haven’t found it in the first few thousand, but there is still three-quarters of the box to go. The search will keep me deliriously happy for weeks to come.

With my admiration and affection always, my Dear,

Your “A”, Alberta xxxxZxx

PS - they were all supposed to be x’s, but I slipped when a penguin came through the window.