h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Foreword :

There are lots of places in the World for you to visit during your vacation. Some countries merit a whole day. All of them ought to be grateful to America, and a number of them welcome US nationals. Unfortunately, these tend not to be the ones with proper catering.

Foreign travel can be stimulating, and is reasonably safe as long as you heed the following basic rules :
• Avoid anywhere ending in “stan”
• Avoid airlines whose check-in staff wear headscarves
• To be on the safe side, join a class action against the tour operator before you leave home

Here are the more popular destinations. Some places that are not on the list may also be visited, but they cannot be expected to have developed a retail infrastructure...

Great Britain :
staunch though ineffectual ally to the US ever since its subjugation in 1776. Has a Queen and a number of buildings dating from prehistoric times, eg Stonehenge, Oxford. Stratford theaters and Scottish monsters over-rated. Cockneys now thought to be extinct.

France :
has regressed since the building of EuroDisney as a celebration of the Normandy Landings. Some tourist accounts are quite misleading about the extent of culture, cuisine and sanitation.

Germany :
a country with well-documented totalitarian tendencies, that force-feeds its children with pure cholesterol. Otherwise indistinguishable from Pennsylvania.

Italy and Greece :
cradles of ancient civilisation, and as such interchangeable. No English spoken. Local are the ones on small motorcycles. To earn their respect, carry spare cameras for them to snatch.

Australia :
usolated coastal amenities, but these have been exclusively adapted for Asian tourists. Somewhat like a down-at-heel California, where the other 50% of the population are rude as well.

Canada :
resembles northern Wisconsin, though with inferior amenities. Administers part of Niagara Falls, though with inferior amenities.

Japan :
in spite of generations of charity, still a foreign country. Restaurateurs tend to become hysterical when fried food is requested. Advisable to carry own chair.

You have been busy! May I suggest:

Belgium. As for France, with bigger portions and friendlier locals. Don't try and speak anything other than English as despite being smaller than Rhode Island has three different language communities, all of whom hate each other.

sprout

Thank you, kind Sir!
(Come on, everyone can play...)

Philippines :
one of a number of places originally built for US Navy recreational activities. It is no longer considered good form to bring the locals home as souvenirs.

Finland - Good for saunas, father christmas and hard rock with 'euro vision song contest' written right through it.

Mexico:

No need to cross an ocean to find fun in the sun. Major resorts were built especially for American tourists. With luck you won't have to see or speak to a native at all, but you still can't drink the water.

El Salvador:

Well suited for forensic pathologists. Open a mass grave to see your American taxes at work.

VietNam

An interesting faux moonscape created by the USAF. Beginning to show signs of neglect due to cutbacks in government funding.

France (update) :
putting the past behind her and fast becoming the new Holy Grail of tourist destinations.

Spain:
Usually hot, occasionally sleepy and often drunk.

This is more like it!

Israel :
Entire country still under construction. Gratitude towards US no longer properly enforced, since instruments of government are either dead or in a persistent vegetative state. Top of the list of places that discerning tourists only pretend to visit.