h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is the second or third time I've worked on this. Everytime I got on a roll, w*rk got busy

Anyway...

I'm watching friendships around me crumble. On h2g2, not IRL. One has turned into a *lovely* love/loathe triangle, and I know all three corners. And I'm friends with all three corners. I've had similar situations, in which I'm friends with a couple of people who cannot stand each other. But never have I felt so... I don't know quite the word to use. Pulled? And I'm afraid that none of the three will feel I'm being a *true* friend if I don't join in backbiting the loathed one. Though maybe they'll see that if I'm not attacking the the odd one out when I'm talking with them, that I'm not joining in attacking them, either. (OK, this is gettig tangled. Let's call the corners A,B, and C. I've known A the longest, and am very close to her. I met B through her, and while there's been some rocky times, and a long stretch where I avoided communication with B, I'm still supportive of him. I met C through A, sort of, as well, because A had disappeared, and C asked if I knew what happened, and then I told him, since I had permission to tell concerned people, though C had found A by the time I had told him. A and C became quite close, but have since become not close. A and B are now together, and after some permutations, it appears to be A and B against C. Which is less complicated than it really is...) Anyway, I just hope that A, B and C are able to accept the fact that I am perfectly capable of being supportive to each of them, and that since the enmity does not involve me, that I will not be dragged in. (Though, to be fair, none of them have tried to make me 'pick sides' as yet.) If any of them see this as a betrayal, then so be it. It is NOT, but I have no control over other people's perceptions.

The other friendship I can see crumbling isn't nearly as bad. It just saddens me that two people who had been friends, and supportive of each other, have gotten tangled in a misunderstanding. Hopefully things will work out in the end.

I am *not* going to get involved in either dispute, on any of the many sides. My getting involved cannot improve things in either the more serious case nor the simpler one. And besides, I tend to be the type of person that defends the person not present, which I acknowledge can be annoying enough when the person I'm talking to is just a little bit upset with the absent person(annoys the out of Tom at times)--the repercussions when there is active enmity and, yes, even hatred, of my doing that is just too large for me to risk. Again, if that makes me a horrible friend, so be it. And when have I ever claimed to be a great friend or even a good person anyway?

A great friend and a good person? Well, then you are the only one who doesn't say so about you.

Amy, you're conscientious to a fault.
And a great friend, and a good person.

I just wonder what A, B or C are going to say when they see this

Two friends of mine are getting divorced from each other. It's very difficult to talk to one of them about the other - one gets depressed, the other irrational. It's a very private thing between them, that I shouldn't be involved in, but it's difficult not to, because I care about them both.

Being friends with somebody doesn't mean you have to take sides. In fact, the best thing a friend can do is remain neutral in a situation. Taking sides and backbiting and gossiping is very juvenile. I've already seen too much of it in this particular situation. Other friends of mine polarized around the side they wanted to take (what friend they wanted to defend) like metal filings around a magnet. The snide comments and remarks are too much for me to take, and I've elected to stay clear of that particular group of friends - for the time being.

We have some shared history which is very similar. A mutual acquaintance/friend of ours got angry at some friends of hers, and wanted us to take sides with her against these other people. I tried to remain as neutral as possible, but because I defended those others, my actions were seen as 'taking the other side.' I don't know whether I did the right thing or not. I just know that, like you, I tend to defend the person that isn't there to speak for themselves.

If your friends insist that you take one side against the other, that you're not being a true friend if you don't cut the other person down, then they're not being rational, and you should tell them so. It sounds like you *are* being a good friend, and a great person. You always are!

*has a comment she'd dearly love to make about levels of rationality, but cannot, as that *would* get someone upset with her, as 'twould be a possible identifier*

Oh, well, if nothing else, since I've made sure that A, B, and C will all see the actual journal (2 of the three are no longer actually on h2g2, and so have been emailed my view) maybe I'll get off the pedestal it feels like A has had me on for so long...

Oh my, pedestals are most unpleasant
The higher up someone places you, the further you fall
If that is the case, they've had others fall before you,or they've been pushed !

I have a good friend who instantly falls in love, usually someone "perfect" a "soulmate". It can be a sexual , professional, frienship, family fall. They are consistantly dissapointed.

In my experiences it's more a black & white thinkers problem. A pitfall for those believing in fairy tales.
Good Luck.

Amy,

yiu are true friend to me.

pheloxi

Thanks everyone

I really didn't write this for sympathy--more to get things straight in my own head. (Much like one thread on another website that Lentilla may remember--that frantic thread... And, actually, A nd B are the two I was talking about there... No, no links.)And to have it as a matter of record that I'm not getting in the middle.

Not that I mind the affirmations, but too many'll make me feel like I'm being shoved onto a pedestal, whether I am or not When that happens, I tend to do what I can to get *down* and it can get unpleasant...

I can get unpleasent too, I also think it is a certain kind of person that takes the side of the other person, (even in some cases if this is god or otherwise ) but I think thats just you tring to rationalise them, to figure out exacly why they feel that way and how they'd react to certain things.

I hope you can convince them otherwise of there childish games, flings are all well and good, bt someone always get's hurt.

-- DoctorMO --

Convincing them otherwise is getting involved, which I'm not doing. Best not to discuss A and B with C, and vice-versa, methinks.

I think you're doing the right thing, Amy.

*hugs*

No there are more subtle ways you can achive this goal, although ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away may just be setting yourself up for a folly later on. or will they mind if you tell them that you would like to be friends with both sides?

-- DoctorMO --

Well, as all three have access to at least the first post here... And A has just assured me that she has no problem with me refusing to take sides. But then, everyone knows me and worrying

heh your no worry, a good friend you are to us all, this I know, but no worries mate

-- DoctorMO --

When I was in college, I introduced two friends
of mine to each other. They developed into a romantic
pair, which had some severe ups and downs. 30+ years
later, I still have contact with one of them. The
other disappeared from all contact along about 1980,
and I haven't heard from her since (she left the country,
among other things). I hope she is all right, and I would
love to hear from her again.

Some liaisons are not meant to last. Some friendships,
even ones that have lasted for decades, may dissolve.
Do your best, Amy. If things turn out badly, don't blame
yourself, at least not to the point of getting sick
over it. I know that's easier said than done. It's hard
for me, too. I'm a worrier, too, though I've tried to
reform myself.

Don't really know what to say Amy except what everyone else has.

Oh, I'm not blaming myself for any of this, and the thing I was worried about was losing friendships, which I've been 1/3 assured of...

Good.

I'm not involving myself in any "backbiting" either.
I hope you know me well enough to know that I wouldn't want you to be played off any of the sides.