h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*RedFish approached the cloning vat at the back of the room with an air of trepidation*

Ok, here goes...

*presses the release switch and watches the vat slowly slide open*

*inside, skaking and still wet with saline solution is a bizarre creature. Initially it could be taken for a very dark red cat, but closer examination reveals that it is more streamlined than the average feline, and its fur is made up of very tiny long scales. It also has gills. It is the clone of sea, with a little of Redsih's own DNA thrown in for good luck...it is... a true cat-fish*

meow...glub

My creation, it is ALIVE! Mwahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaa

d..d..dadda....

It speaks! this truly is a great day for science!

*faint "dexter's laboratory" music is heard in the background*

Mmmmmm - very impressive RedFish. Let`s hope that this one is a bit more tractable than the original .

~ A CASEVAC helicopter hoves into view and a medic team rushes a large jiffy-bag into the cloning chamber ~

RedFish, see what you can do about this. Bring back Busterbone for us - spare no expense. If you can make any improvements to his genetic makup then please do so.

Bio-genic implants are in order to enhance his cerebro-neurotic cortex. Also fit some taser and needle-dart implants for personal protection.

Oh and could you give him a rinse, set and general tidy-up. Ta.

Ok Red Dog, i'll see what I can do.

~opens the jiffy bag and peers inside~

Hmmm, theres not much of him left is there?

~pours the...remains into the gene-sequencer~

But there is enough. We can reconstruct his body to spec, and his mind will be at the last thought it made before it died...

So... i'll just make a few genetic modifications....

~taps at sequencing computer keyboard~

There we go. It will be a few hours, but i have put it into 'acclerated growth' mode.

~activates the cloning vat and waits, with a good book and some cocoa~

* ........ after a very long pause an ACF Robodroid trundles into the Cloning Vat complex and deposits a sterile container containing Dancer into the vat*

*Redfish can be seen in the corner with a cold cup of cocoa and a damn good read*

BWA-HAH-HAH-HAH HAH-HAH-HAH HAH-HAH-HAH

Now you are in our power Dancer, our cunning plan is to replicate a negative version of you which we are going to imaginatively call Recnad.

Ha ! Payback time for messing up my u-space and doing unspeakable things to the attack-poodle

*flicks various switches in an attempt to kid everyone he knows what he is doing*

Well, you will have to turn off the cartoon field generator for that, and then I will be as big and powerful as I usually am and you won't be able to face me.


Dancer (prays to god RD buys this)

[Corrigible] [of S*P*A] Cool! So you're making a Dancer clone who's on our side?

[Protoman] [also of S*P*A] .....

Dancer

Yeah, me too. Just replace Corrigible with Last Word Man and Protoman with Bass in the above post. Sorry.

Ok, that unconfused me



Dancer

[Bass] There'll be no one to stop us this time.

[Last Word Man] [aka Snowball] Absolutely no one!

[Protoman] Except me.

[Snowball] Yes, except -- HUH??

[Bass] [aiming his F-Buster at Protoman] Get out, or die.

[Protoman] You still haven't changed a bit, Bass.

[Bass] Yeah, well, my heuristic programming didn't allow for your suddenly popping up without your trademark whistle.

[Protoman] Touché. [teleports away]

[Bass] ... Damn. It worked.

*at a science station RedDog switches on the cartoon field neutraliser and the Terpsichorean Suppressor generator TM*

OK Dancer, now lets get down to business. Time for you to take a bath !

*Activates the automated Clone-A-Matic system and Dancer is slowly lowered into the Vat*

[Bass] Now our plans will be complete!

[Snowball] What are they, exactly?

[Bass] Fufufufu... Sore wa himitsu desu!

[Translating subtitle: "Hahahaha... It's a secret!"]

*Dancer pulls himself together on time before the Cartoon supressor is activated, and gets ready to jump out and flee, but realises that in spite all the years of training he is now unable to jump with his usual graceness.*

What the.... I can't Dance. What happened? oh my god, don't tell me you activated a Terpsichorean Suppressor Generator(tm), i'm alegric to those, they make me disappear.


Dancer

[Bass] What?? No! Then we won't be able to clone him!

Hmmmmm, that could be a problem

*lowers power setting on the Terpsichorean Suppressor Generator (TM) so that Dancer does not disappear*

Hmmmmm, we still have to find a way of immobilising him and making him loose the will to live so that he becomes more tractable.

*wheels out TV and VCR combo and puts in videotape from the ACF library service*

OK Dancer this should fix you ....

*presses button on remote. First the sound of irish music is heard. Then the tv picture clears to reveal ...... *

Yes it`s MICHAEL FLATLEY AS LORD OF THE DANCE ... the high cringe factor should sap your strength ! We particularly liked the dodgy costume and the 80`s headband !

Bwwaaa hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah !!!!!!!

[Bass facevaults]

*Dancer, after fading a bit and still weakened by the beam hears sounds and though exausted, raises head to see where they are comming from.

Dancer notices a TV set with some faint bright images moving, while focusing his eyes, the images start to make sense and the fermiliar music is better recognised, all of the sudden, Dancer snaps out of condition and starts hopping and jumping around, completely unaware of where he's landing or what he's breaking, just clicking the feet, raising them up in the air, and smiling wide and silly, breaking through anything that comes in his way.*


Dancer

turns off the v.c.r. floats over and begins to Dancer
*thinks, this ought to immobilize him*

[Last Word Man transforms into Yaradovich Kramer.]

[YK] How intelligent is Dancer, exactly?

[Bass] Compared to you?

[YK] Yeah. If I'm more intelligent, I can use the Jedi Mind Trick on him.

[Bass] If you're more intelligent? Hmm. Toughie.

[YK] Oh shut up.

[[Jedi Mind Trick]]

[YK] [to Dancer] You WILL stop where you are.

[He is completely bowled over by Dancer. Whether the JMT works or not is up to Dancer.]