h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is slightly off topic, but stuff on my mind, can't find anywhere else to talk about it. I have been divorced - it was so long ago I can hardly remember it. I left my wife and didn't see her again.

I got married again in 1999 - about 13 years after the end of my first marriage, after years of not allowing myself to get close enough to anyone I really liked - and I left a few mightily confused women behind, who, in retrospect, might have made good partners for me. I just wasn't ready at the time.

Well, looks like I've goofed, to tell you the truth. After 13 years of extreme caution, I was finally readily for love. It was a quick romance, we got married at Gretna Green on the way to the highlands for a holiday that turned into a honeymoon. Maybe it was too quick. Maybe I should have waited.

At Loch Ness, after only a few days of marriage, we had a row, over nothing that I could figure out, my wife in a storming and as far as I could work out, unprovoked, rage. There had been warning signs before the marriage. My wife took against any friends of mine we happened to meet, she had sulks after I had been speaking to friends on the phone, for no reason I could figure out.

Having said "the past isn't important", she was suspicious of all my female work colleagues and friends, seeming to think I had slept with all of them. If a female colleague spoke to me (my wife and I work in the same place and met there), my wife would be saying "why is she speaking to you? What is she saying" etc. Suffice it to say after months of this kind of controlling behaviour, I wanted to just get in my car and drive away from the marriage.

If I took a particular route to somewhere, she would be suspiciously asking me how I knew the route. Just strange stuff like that. This kind of thing has calmed down now, though we do still have occasional rows. For example, she will have a go because I haven't done some thing or other, saying "we have been upstairs for ten minutes and you haven't done such-and-such yet" when in fact we have been upstairs for about two minutes.

All the time, little things just mount up that make me think "we are not right for each other". We never go out. I have no friends left. I cannot make friends or be friendly towards people for fear of her reaction. She complains if I spend my own money. Most of the time we get on okay, but sometimes I feel a total prisoner. I am not living my own life, I am not a person in the true sense. I am just fulfilling a role for her. If I left her now, I couldn't point to any specific reason for doing so, it's just this feeling of being a prisoner, an accessory, of not having my own life. It doesn't seem like we are in love, it seems superficial.

When do you know it's over? We have two lovely boys, and I love them so. But I don't want to leave them. I know if I leave she will be totally vindictive.

Advice?

I can't offer any advice, but I can empathize totally. I'm afraid alot of people (myself included) are having the same feelings that you are having. If you find a support group or something to smash that makes you feel better, let me know. Feeling like you're living a "make believe" life is no fun. We get caught up in making everyone else happy, and forget about making ourselves happy.

Uncle Monty,

for you. I too made a mistake, but it's not as oppressive

Please don't stay put if you're not happy, There are no kids involved in my situation (thankfully) but my our friends tell me 'if it's making you miserable, get out' the Husband Type Person is still my friend as all this is going on, but I can't continue to live with the way he doubts me.

If she cared enough, she would believe you when you tell her there is nothing to get jealous about. As for the Boys, I take it they are quite young? Not having had kids, I can't really comment on the wrench it must be to surrender some of your time with them, have you tried talking to others who have divorced with kids?

Try, and I know it's nigh on impossible, to think of yourself as well in all this. Talk to her and let her know what her attitude is doing to you, and if her attitude doesn't improve, make her aware that you won't stand for it.

I have been asking the HTP for a couple of years (this w/e is our third anniversary!) to please stop double checking and contradicting what I do, and recently, he's been checking who I talk to and when. It hasn't worked, and he is getting worse as time goes on. Ther is more to our problem than this, but it has made me realise, I just don't feel strongly enough about him.

Uncle Monty, I know that no relationship is perfect, there will always be niggling habits etc. But if you love somebody enough, that sort of thing becomes superficial.

You are the only one who can live YOUR life, none of us know how long we have got, and how many more years are you prepared to live like this? (I assume the Boy's are young, so could you continue like this for the next 15-20 years?) I know I couldn't do the next 40 years like this, as I feel 'me' slipping away already.

Please Uncle Monty, talk to her and please look after yourself as well as everybody else.



Toccata

Hi,

if you don't want to divorce, you'll have to work for the right things, like having friends, like trusting one another, like not blaming the partner.

You have the duty to live the right things, as your boys only have you as a role modell. It will be a severe fight to do the right things, but eventually your wife will settle to it. And always try to stay polite, but firm. And it helps to aim for even more than you'll actually want.

Try it. It works.

Not sure I agree with you Wonko.

I think I know where this guy is coming from. She is insecure and making him feel insecure by her insecurity. Horrible isn't it.

Wish I had the guts just to leave but not that easy is it.