A Conversation for Dealing with Divorce

Divorce without Lawyers

Post 1

a girl called Ben

In the UK you do not need lawyers in order to get a divorce. There are several self-help books on divorce, and the forms are actually pretty straightforward.

I am not sure what the situation is if children are involved, I am fairly sure a court needs to be involved to define the rules and terms.

But if the two of you agree you want a divorce, and agree who gets what, then basically all you need to do is fill in the forms and post them.

Another option is to go for a mediated settlement; you both see the SAME lawyer, and agree between yourselves what you want to happen with their advice given to both of you.

I would have got more money if I had gone for lawyers and all that crap; actually I would probably have got the same amount of money, my ex would have got less, and the difference would have gone to the lawyers. If we were lucky. There didn't seem much point in that.

A couple of other things:

We never, ever, ever said the Unforgivable Things. So there is less to forgive. I bit my tongue a few times, but never said them.

I took the view that although I was hurt by what he did and said, he had not done or said those things in order to hurt me. My pain was a side-effect of actions he took because he was in pain.

I sent out a letter with my Christmas cards last year, saying that we were divorcing, and telling them that we did not expect them to take sides, and asking them to consider that they have two friends who know each other, not a friend and an enemy. This worked, we were both invited to a party today, to come alone or together, with or without any partners.

I am thinking of writing a guide entry about divorce without lawyers, and if anyone else would like to contribute, please drop a note in my personal space.

a divorcée called Ben

(this is not legal advice, and I am not a lawyer)


Divorce without Lawyers

Post 2

Toccata

Cheers, for that advice Ben, is sounds just what we need, were sorting it all out fairly simply. Where do you get the forms?

Toccata


Divorce without Lawyers

Post 3

a girl called Ben

Phone your local court, and ask where the nearest divorce court is. They may even be in the phone book.

They send you the forms you need as and when you need them.

I do recomment getting one of those 'how to' books. You need to be careful about houses and tax and I am pretty sure you need to involve the courts if not lawyers if you have kids.

I am *still* waiting for my absolute - but that is because my ex is lousy at filling in forms. I haven't been hassalling him, no point.

Good luck, and let me know how it goes. I will be writing up an entry once we are all done and dusted.

smiley - hug

***B


Divorce without Lawyers

Post 4

MaggyW

Yes, this is good advice. I'm in the process of getting divorced. I refused to divorce my husband and I refused solicitors (even though he bolted with another woman) because I knew that if I did it would be an act of war - and one that I would lose.

I also refused to see or talk to him in case anything unforgivable was said on either side.

That may sound weak but I knew that he could run rings round me mentally and I wouldn't be able to defend myself against any accusations and I'd end up hating myself for being weak. Instead we dealt with it all via a good friend who mediated our emails. This suited my ex as he'd finished with me by letter anywyay(!) and he's very intellectual. It also helped me not to be emotional. I made myself wait 48 hours before replying to anything forwarded by the mediator.

It's all going through very peacefully at the moment. He had to wait two years for the divorce but that gave me time to get over it. I insisted he paid however - and he did.

Sometimes I wish he knew how angry and hurt I was - but I'm so glad he's out of my life now - and I have a wonderful new partner so it's much the best just to let it all go...

smiley - star


Divorce without Lawyers

Post 5

Toccata

Glad to hear it's working out.

I think you were right to go through a third party. That way, it's clear who said what and when.

Solicitors will try to make things as complicated as possible, and once one side has them, the other side feels obliged to do the same, to keep pace.

My divorce took best part of a year, and it was supposed to be a quickie!

I can echo your comment, that it all works out in the end, it's just the getting there that isn't much fun smiley - sadface


Divorce without Lawyers

Post 6

MaggyW

No, getting there is awful. I was widowed when I was much younger and I have actually found divorce more painful. The difference being that my first husband didn't mean to leave - and loved me to the very last second. Bereavement is awful but there's a cleaner kind of pain. And I think losing a second husband rubbed salt into the earlier wound.

smiley - star


Divorce without Lawyers

Post 7

a girl called Ben

smiley - cuddlesmiley - cuddle

B


Divorce without Lawyers

Post 8

Mat

I did this a few years ago and it took about three months (no children involved). Cost was an admin fee for the magistrates' court. Pretty straight forward although both parties were on pretty good terms so that helped. I think all the forms can be downloaded.


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Divorce without Lawyers

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