h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have been feeling a low grade nausea for the last few days.

I'm noticing more and more what is getting harder to see. More and more I find myself using the built in magnifier on the shinymac, in fact i'm using it right now, and cursing it for not following where i'm typing.

I have my Dissertation Project proposal due on Monday, but due to issues with PDF files I havent managed to get past the stage where i try to find evidence to back up my own ideas because if you cant *read* a paper how do you know if it is any use or not? To try and get round this I have today installed a 30 day trial of a programme more suited to dyslexic students in a vain attempt to access the information i need.

I am also getting migraines again, my current (unsupported) theory is that they are caused in part by my brain struggling to make sense of the increasingly fuzzy optical signals.

I find myself listening to audiobooks, rather than reading their paper counterparts. I lose things more easily.

Today I read up on cataract treatment. From what I have read, I will be a difficult case due to my small eye, and pre-existing Glaucoma (amongst other things) this means they will probably will leave it much longer than normal before operating.

I am feeling rather low today. I've screwed up what was left of my sleep cycle, I feel sick if S hugs me too tight, and my head gets sore if i focus on anything for too long, add to this the upper back pain from hunching over my computer in order to get close enough to read the screen. I'm generally feeling rather sorry for myself.

I realised something today. I don't just need my cane in the dark, there are times when it is stupidly bright, and the sun is in my face, when all i can see is glare, and even that hurts. Those times, i should probably use it too. because well i'm just as likely to walk into someone or something when i cant see because the sun is in my eyes, as i am because i didnt see them in the dark.

I'm not sure i like this game anymore. i would almost rather lose what sight i have in one go, rather than have it slowly trickle away incrementally over the next who knows how many years.

At the same time though I have so much I still want to see, most of all I want to see the face of my child.

I'm not much one for prayers lately, in fact i'm really not sure *what* I believe. I also know that this is a very secular and atheistic kind of place. But part of me wishes it wasn't, part of me wishes that someone would come along, and whisper the secret answer to me. The one that will solve my worries, the one that tells me that everything will be okay.

I need a light at the end of my tunnel, something real and tangable, not the false hopes i geterally hold. Those which are so easily dashed into a million tiny piecies by a single word or action.

I'm not really sure what this is anymore, it it is a journal, a cry for help, or a stream of conciousness. i'm not sure what i expect it to acheive. I've been throwing myself an adequete pity party without you all. And i know there is really nothing you can do, except try to comfort and assure me.

I'm scared of what the future will bring.

I'm scared, and I hurt.

My friends if you have made it this far, Is there anything that will make me less scared?

For all it's worth, here's a and some Best I can deliver across the North Sea here and now

keep up that strong Scottish willpower love, you have the strength within you to beat this.No negative thinking.
All WILL come good, I feel it
As many positive vibes I can muster are heading your way (and have never actually stopped)

Little

It is scary, but you will come through. Get all the help you can, and keep talking to us, to the doctors, to S.

Oh mini, I wish I could do something that'd make you feel better.

I wish I could help, too Mini, but I find it very encouraging that you were able to put together a long, well-written post. So all is not lost.

I don't mean to sound patronising, because I don't do patronising.

So long as you can communicate and feel the urge to do so, surely life's worth living.

You are a very smart, brave and lovely Mouse, and nothing will ever change that.

Oh, little mouse, how I hug you. It sucks, and how very much I wish it didn't. I hope the headaches and nausea go away, because talk about insult to injury.

Do you have a specialist to talk to about your sight? Is talking to a specialist an option right now?

And more hugs.

mini, I trust you will always find a meaning in your life. Have a really squeezy hug

Sending positive vibes. Sorry that I can't do much more.

Have a belated but heartfelt - and I hope to see you next weekend, because every weekend is better with a mouse in it!

s to you, and I hope you're feeling much better now.