h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"This is the straw that broke the camel's back," I told Scribbles unhappily as the dining car served me Romanian goulash. He knew by now how tired I was of goulash, and it was obviously he was no fonder of it than I was.

"Speaking of camels, Uncle Pell, I need to go over some things with you," he said as he steered me to a booth. "Do you remember how I promised you'd be staying in luxury hotels and eating the best food?"

"I had almost forgotten, but thank you for reminding me," I said glumly, happy that a conversation might postpone the moment of goulash immersion.

"I'm having differences with the publisher about staying on budget. We might be able to tailor the rest of the trip with your preferences in mind, though. First, if you had to choose between skiing and horseback riding, which would you choose?"

"I'm a non-skier," I said.

"Glad to hear it," Scribbles said, patting my back. "The high country around Melbourne has great skiing through early October, but if we brought you there for skiing now, it would cost an arm and a leg to turn on the snow-making machines. There are some lovely horseback riding trails near Melbourne, which we'll arrange instead."

"Fine, but how does this relate to camels?" I wondered, pondering possible ways of opening the car's rear door and throwing my goulash at whatever vampires might be out there.

"Oh, when the train gets to Istanbul around 4:00 today, we're going to whisk you off to a place where you can ride a camel. A word of warning: camels have really bad breath. .."

"You're not planning to have me kiss it, are you?"

While Scribbles took his empty plate to the trash can, I furtively edged toward the door. I hoped to heave the unwelcome goulash out of the train, where a vampire might take it off my hands, but a little man at a nearby booth said, "You could take my goulash, too, but the management might penalize us."

I sat down next to him. "Do you have to suffer goulash much?"

"My inlaws live near the last Romanian station," he confided. "I get tons of it there."

"Why did you get a train that doesn't stop in Romania, then?"

"How dare they skip the Romanian stations, you might ask. Best part of Europe! But I saved some money, and if I take a local bus back from Istanbul I might arrive after my mother-in-law's goulash is all eaten up. It's worth a shot."

"I'm Pell," I said, extending my hand.

"Yes, I know. You have been friended by seven million people on smilingfaces.com so far. I won't give you my name -- my inlaws might object -- but you can call me Monsieur Kissov."

When we got to Istanbul, the camel ride turned out to be a piece of baklava. The little I knew about camels came from "Seven Pillars of Wisdom" by T. E. Lawrence: the Arabs prefer female camels for their docile dispositions. Camels are not native to Turkey, of course, but visitors to Istanbul expected to see them, so there I was, perched on Sheherezade's back for a short ride down the street while Scribbles filmed us.

"I hear they eat rats," one onlooker said to another, apparently referring to the camel.

Then Scribbles helped me off the camel's back and led to dinner, which did not consist of goulash....

Love it! I can see the people in Constantinople scratching their heads over the tourists...here, have some baklava...

I have ridden on a camel, at a zoo - therefore, I know why they are called 'the ships of the desert'....

Did you know that one fell in love with Vincent Price once, on a film shoot? Camels do that - become infatuated. Though not usually with ham horror actors...

[Amy P]

The curried rat won't be served until Mumbai .

And, no, vegetarian ruminants like camels wouldn't eat rats. at least unless they ere frightfully hungry.

I looked at some websites that listed Turkish foods. Baklava was listed. I hoped to find couscous, but didn't see it. Various types of kebab were listed, though. In any event, the simple, basic foods are what the publisher would let Scribbles feed Pell.....

I read Paul Theroux's "Pillars of Hercules," which details a circuit of the Mediterranean coast. I also have a copy of "Mediterranean Light," by Rose Shumway, which I've been using recipes from for decades. The only thing I really can't talk about in any depth is what it's like to be in Istanbul -- or Mumbai, or Melbourne. But Hong Kong, Maui, and San Francisco I've been to. I've been *through* Denver and Saint Louis, though not hiking a ride on an 18-wheeler or riding a raft down the Missouri River.

I have only seen camels once in Jordan. I was told not to go too near them as they can bite and spit.

Couscous is Maroccan.

Is Rose Shumway related to ALF?

We went on a camel ride on Lanzarote.

I thought about riding a camel on Lanzarote , but The Lady of The Island talked me out of it, thank Bob

Speaking of camels, my aunt used to have an apartment near the Mohawk River in Schenectady, New York. There were a few centenarians in her neighborhood, including one lady who decided to ride a camel on her 100th birthday. I guess the thinking was that you haven't really lived until you've tried camel riding. Not to be undone, a neighbor decided to ride an elephant on *his* 100th birthday.

And so it goes.....

I meant "outdone," not undone.

Apparently nothing disastrous or embarrassing happened, as my aunt would have mentioned such.

There is a 90-year-old lady somewhere who treats herself to a tandem jump every birthday. I've forgotten where I heard about it, but it's probably on youtube.

Anyway - riding that camel was absolute hell. Never again!

I believe you!