h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Chapter 2

I was jarred out of a sound sleep the following morning by the telephone. I just managed to get my eyes open and my feet working fast enough to get to the phone before the call went to voice mail.

"Hello, Owen?" Said the voice on the other end. "It's me, Claudia. I heard that Uncle Floyd died and left you five million. Congratulations!"

Talking about money with my ex-wife wasn't fun even when I was wide awake and prepared, neither of which applied here. "I just got out of bed, Clauds," I said. "Can I call you later?"

"Oh, don't worry," she reassured me, "I'm not looking for a cut of the proceeds, just checking in....."

"How'd you find out?" I wondered. "Was it in the papers?"

"Too soon for that. Donny tipped me off. He inherited a few bucks too."

Donny was my middle son, the one who already had his own software company despite still being in his early thirties.

"Anyway, your Uncle Floyd was such a rat, I never expected him to be so generous with family," Claudia went on, "after divorcing Zelda like that!"

"Zelda never got divorced," I exclaimed. "She's the one who lost her footing and slipped off the edge of a glacial ravine while the cameras were rolling."

"Oh, right, she's the one who was murdered."

"Again, the cameras captured it all. Floyd was nowhere near her at the time. No way could he have murdered her."

"You'd think they could have put up guard rails. But okay, point taken. Anyway, the guy had three wives. It's easy to lose track of them..."

"He only had one at a time, Claudia," I said patiently.

"So again, congratulations."

"Thanks," I said. "Bye bye." I was wide awake by now, for all the good it did me. I wandered into the kitchen and made some coffee, but didn't get as far as preparing food to go with it because the doorbell rang.

The sight that greeted my eyes when I opened the door was unusual, to say the least: a blonde, blue-eyed African-American woman in a wheelchair, who introduced herself as the captain of the ship that would take me to Uninhabited Volcanic Island Number 115.

"Andrea Doria Smith here," she said cheerfully as I helped ease her wheelchair up over the doorsill. "The whole crew is thrilled to know that you're coming with us on the good ship Heregoesnuthin."

"Just out of curiosity, Ms. Smith, did your parents know they were naming you after a famous shipwreck?" I wondered, steering her down the hall and into the kitchen.

"Oh, of course," she said as I poured coffee for her and got out the cream and sugar..."Mom and Dad felt that fate was too perverse to do anything in a predictable way, so by naming my sister Lucy and me after ships that sank, they were guaranteeing long and healthy lives for us. We could safely become captains of ships, which is what we did."

At the word "healthy" I couldn't help glancing down at the wheelchair. "Oh, this thing is temporary," she explained cheerfully.. "As soon as I get my heart transplant I won't need it any more. Anyway, I come from a long line of sea captains. The most famous was Edward Smith, of course."

I winced at the thought of entrusting my life to this descendant of the man who went down with the Titanic, but I knew I had no choice if I wanted Uncle Floyd's millions -- not that there was any assurance that I would be able to get to that uninhabited isle and back again to enjoy my new wealth. Even if I asked Andrea Doria to take a pass and let her sister Lucy go instead, it would be just my luck that Lucy was short for Lusitania....

Love it.

More madness to come.

Paul, I'm going to collect your journals up to stick on my kindle at the end of the month and read in one go so I won't keep leaving my calling card every day. I want to enjoy them when I have time as I really enjoyed Blemnox last year.

Deb

You are off to a great start, paulh! Congratulations

Brilliant wrote Paul, your story would make a great book.

[Amy P]