h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[The story so far: Viola and her grandfather have returned to Blemnox, the family’s ancestral estate. While Grandpa sits on the veranda listening to the singing potatoes, Viola accepts delivery of KR3BS, the robot butler that her late father has bequeathed to her. KR3BS offers to fix supper, so Viola explores the cellar a while and runs into her Blake, her elusive husband]

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As Viola and Blake climbed the stairs to the dining room, Blake told her that her grandmother had just returned from Florida. “She’s pretty shaken up, though,” he said.

“Why?” Viola wondered. “Did she run into an alligator?”

“No. She was texting while she drove a golf cart through some quicksand.”

“That’s living dangerously!” Viola exclaimed.

The dining table was set with two tablecloths, one for the north side and one for the south. Grandpa and Grandma sat at the south side, dressed as a southern gentleman and his belle. Bowls of Maryland crab cakes and Hoppin’ John were in front of them Blake and Viola took seats on the north side, where Boston baked beans and Philadelphia scrapple awaited them. Potatoes and apples grew in abundance on the estate, so the mashed potatoes and apple pie straddled the north-south divide.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Blake,” Grandma said after she was introduced to her grand-nephew-in-law. “How is the fish farm doing?”

Viola and Blake exchanged glances. “We couldn’t afford to keep bringing water in,” Viola explained.
‘
“Our house is – or was – in the middle of a desert,” Blake added.

“Badkarmastan is a very dry country,” Grandpa remarked.

“Besides, migratory geese ate all the fish,” Viola continued. “That’s when Blake and I decided a goose farm would be a better bet.”

“It’s a pity you couldn’t have brought a goose for our dinner tonight,” Grandma said.

“The geese all flew away when the space junk destroyed the house,” Viola said. “For all I know, some of them might have flown to Blemnox. We’ll check the mill pond tomorrow.”

“It wasn’t really a piece of space junk that hit the house,” Blake whispered to Viola. “I have powerful enemies who wanted to destroy us. In fact, that was the reason I disappeared. I knew you would go looking for me. It worked! You were out looking when the house was destroyed.”

How lucky for me, Viola thought. I’m much better off here with singing potatoes and a grandmother who texts while riding through quicksand.

Almost as as the members of my own family

Deb

I have barely scratched the surface of Grandma's weirdness. Wait util she starts waterskiing.

[Amy P]