h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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[Narrator]

Excuse me, are you trying to make my life more difficult than it is already? Where is this place, exactly???

ahhh, where indeed;
Try starting at Sandra's hairdressers;
take the star set road to world domination,
hang a right at the battlements,
till you rejoin the star set road to world domination at teh mouse hole (NB this is a huge short-cut as compaired to just folloowing the star-set road.
from there it is tricky,
head to the dragons secret lost elf kingdom in the mountain place,
but go left, , just before you hit the mountain,
then you are not far off...

Through the window of the retirement home for hairdressers, Sandra can be seen sitting in the large front bay-window, staring out with remorse over the Kingdom of Camelot. As she continues to look tears begin to well in her eyes, and before long the hairdresser is crying and shaking uncontrollably.
She mutters quietly to herself;
“It could have all been so different, so, so different. Only I could have changed what happened, only I could have directed the course of events”
Sandra begins to get up from the window and moves over to the staircase and ascends.
“But, surely this is not all there is, surely I have more to offer, why should I be here, can I not still cut, can I not still trim, can I not still blow dry?”
At the top of the staircase Sandra opens the door to her room and steps in, she begins rummaging through her belongings, and disappears into the bathroom.
Within the bathroom Sandra dries her eyes, and dresses before re-entering the bedroom.
She is clad in a suit of intricate armour with a bow and-arrow and a short sword on her trim waist.
Turning to her other belongings she takes a nap-sack and puts her tools of-the-trade inside; a selection of scissors, a cacophony of hairbrushes a few towels and her shaving equipment, adding her immaculate hair dryer she is satisfied and descends the stairs a new woman.
Within the hall she passes the retirement homes owner who greets Sandra.
“Sandra, are we going somewhere today?”
“I am afraid I am leaving your establishment, I have decided to re-enter the Kingdom, and do my work again, it is not a happy state of affairs where an entire kingdom does not have suitable hair and beauty for all, so I must again descent to the rivers, rise to the hills and travel far and wide to bring pleasure through good hair cuts to all in the kingdom, I thank you very much for my time here; but a girls got to do what a girls got to do” Replies Sandra.
“but, why the battle-garb?” enquires the Retirement home owner who by a strange coincidence is called Bob.
“it’s a wilderness out there, and a girls gota know how to cope for herself, I bid you farewell.”
With this Sandra walks out of the Retirement Home for Hairdressers and without looking back throws her nap-sack over her back and re-enters life in the kingdom…

Oh dear, now theres a girl with a purpose, its going to be so boaring here now, seeing as how we have no more customers. and Sandra was the only Hairdressor in the Kingdom,
Hmmmmmm,
Hmmmmmm,
Maybe i should retrain and get a new job, I could be anything!
I could rule the supermarket!
I could rule the world!
Oh, maybe not pipe dreams ,...
Hmmm,
Hmmm,
Maybe i could be a cake maker and do all that fancy piping stuff with iceing or maybe not..


The retirement home owner, whoc i think we have previously established is oddly called Bob, and not called Kate, wonders about inside the retirement home and looks stupid, and then decides to walk upstairs, he walks around upstairs and then walks downstairs walks around a bit more and then walks up the stairs, he then wonders aorund a bit and whips some dust off an old tin of Spam sitting in the dustbin.
He walks back downstairs and wonders around some more, then, in a brilliant flash of realisation he walks outside and walks around the building.
Taking a tin of red paint he puts some graffitti on the sie of the building.
He then wonders inside and wonders about wondering why he is wondering about and wondering why he wondered outside and put graffitti on his own building.
He then walks upstairs and wonders about before gettign in bed and sstarting to build a small cabbinate from walnut wood.
He realises this this not the sort of thing to do in bed and gets up and fils the bath.
Once full he enters the bath, only getting out after a few seconds to remove his top hat, he then continues to build the walnut cabinat.
.....

Stepping out of the bath, the Retirement home owner, who is in all reality probably not actually called Bob, but as this is probably more accurate, or at least less wildly inaccurate than Kate, for the time being the story shall continue, or at least not flaunter flop and stop, with Bob as the name of choice, well OK, not choice then but perhaps of necessity.
Once out of the Bath, the Bob (not Kate although probably as we have established not Bob either), swiftly finishes his handy work, and takes the lovingly created walnut cabinet with him as he descends the staircase to the ground floor of the retirement home for hairdressers.
Passing through the hallway he takes the cabinet outside and places it near the door, returning inside to acquire another piece of wood he hastily creates a sign, which reads;
“Cakes for sale”.
Placing this sign on the top of the cabinet he returns back through the hallway and enters the Kitchen where he soon cannons into an idly left telephone box, before finding all the appropriate ingredients and begins cooking…

Some time later, he emerges from the research kitchen of the retirement home for hairdressers and places on the cabinet beneath the sign an assortment of cakes buns and small furry cuddly toys.
Standing back to examine his creative creations he immediately notices a figure astride a hoarse approaching from some distance away…

As the figure on the house approaches it can be faintly discerned to be a man, of average build with a large, fluffy blonde purmed haircut; clearly a male hairdresser…
As the figure astride the horse nears he attempts to get off the horse but falls..
Standing up again and brushing off a multitude of confetti and dust and saw dust and cosmic debris, he approaches Bob (right by now we should not be surprised by the notion that Bob, the retirement home for hairdressers is not called Bob, and it is only perfunctory that we should mention he is not Kate either), the figure speaks::
“hello? I am Barry (there should be less confusion this time as this is in fact his name, and this may be a relief, it certainly is to Bob who does not it appears feel any urgency to resolve the Bob, lack of Bob, Kate, lack of Kate confusion).
“I have come to Find Sandra, I believe she is here?” Asks the male hairdresser called Barry (we have I think already been here?)
“I am afraid that Sandra has left the retirement home for hairdressers, she went that way” replies Bob (I’m not going into this again, OK?)
“Oh Bob (yes we know) points towards a randomly chosen direction that does not include any of the surrounding area covered in telephone boxes, which is therefore all of the surrounding area?
“oh dear, maybe I should go and find her? But first may I purchase some of these delicious looking cakes standing outside your retirement home for hairdressers”.
Barry (yes) buys some cakes off Bob (no, not again I don’t!) and then attempts to mount his horse..
Twelve hours later Barry finally manages to climb apon his horse, which looks at its rider with a mixture of pity and boredom, and then they disappear again swiftly becoming faint on the horizon.
Bob (yes, we all should by now know the whole Bob not Bob, Kate not Kate saga don’t we?) Re-enters the retirement home and settles down for the year with a rather large bottle of something suspicious.

Hm, is this the right place?
*appears from (not really that very) thin air
Hmm, oh no we've seperated again during transfer

*Sir Knight, having appared temporally tehn disappears as he is more stabelly incorperated into a differnt aspect of a wantonly connected conversation.

*suddenly as if from no where (ok from nowehre) Sandra appears looking rahter upset.

She is mumbeling to herself ::<
sand
ra>
O, oh, oh, oh , oh , oh oiasdf , oh dear, no one in the kingdom seems to what a hari cut or perm or low dry or trim or shave or even anythin fo the weekend
*dniffle
OH well back to the retirement home fo me


As sandra reenters the retirement home for hairdressers she fails to notice the small tare in space time beggining to appear near the front of the retirement home ... The storey continues

*looking flustered* I do hate these rips in space/time continuum thingumies, they make my hair frizz terribly. Must be the static.

must be a first, we didn't get seperated on the journey 'ello Sandra still got your sissors?

Did I just hear some strange goings on in the rips in the space time continuum? Or was it just the sound of the hairdryer?

HMM, no don't hink it was the hair dryer must have been the space time contineum, maybe eddies in it again?

Maybe Eddie should get out of it, it's flippin annoying when I'm trying to concentrate.

*waves hands *

*space/time continuum rift appears and Eddie the dwarve jumps out*



Oh, Eddie I thought I'd never see you again



I do love a happy ending

Ending? this is just the begining

Woah! What happened there? Strange spacial rift I suppose but I feel like I've just lost 2 weeks of my life. Looking around me I see 2 weeks worth of dust and my well coiffed hair has 2 weeks worth of growth

where did you just pop from? these spatial rifts are a real
*disappears through a temporal rift in the WSOGMM

*Looks around bewildered. If there was anyone here to notice the difference they couldn't between the look now and the usual one* Hey, is the narrator trying to imply something?

Please come back soon Knight, I'm arguing with myself

[Pops out of the rift]

I feel king of bad leaving the original thread...

Well, we kind of keep popping up in several threads... I'm not sure if we even know where we want to be, let alsone where we are, or want to be....

(sir knight)
Oh, I'm back again?

We have to leave threads every so often in order for them to heal the rips that have occured in the space-time thingy so don't feel bad.

Oh, you're back