h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*A forbidding gatehouse, complete with drawbridge, portcullis and bored guard, stands at the entrance to Camelot*

[Ogre Chieftain]
Rigt then boys, let's bash our way into this 'ere castle and kidnap us some damsels!

*waves spiky club around menacingly*

[Gorm - an Orge]

*Cuts down a tree trunk with one swift blow of his axe*

Wanna use this for a battering ram?

[miscellaneous Ogre] *still sulking after having been ordered not to dress up as a woman, pathetically attempts to appear threatening*

Aaargh

[Tristram] (A sad knight)

**On his way from the Lottery Kiosk to the turret where his beloved awaits, and dreading the climb**

I say you chaps, whats going on? Why can't you use your remote door opener like everyone else?

**Reaches in saddle bag, takes out a thing with a button on. Presses it. The Gate swings open.**

Come on, let a chap through, now.

[Gorm]

*grabs Tristram's lottery ticket*

*examines it*

Jackpot! I've won

*runs around like a headless chicked*

[Miscalleneous Ogre] *sees an actual, real life headless chicken*

What an amusing coincidence

*perks up a bit*

[Comedy bit part serf #139] (currently masquerading as a guard) Oi! You can't go leavin' ta door open like tha'. Gie' us yer hoofer thingy. Nah then, youse orks, ur yer names on ta list?

[Tristram] (A sad knight)

You see. This is what happens when you try and be helpful to people. You are actually people, aren't you?

[Miscellaneous Ogre] Well this is a slow-moving coup

*scratches head, searches around for previously discarded mascara*

[Comedy bit part serf #139] *Wakes up with a start, dropping pike* 'Ere, what's all this noise? Look, ur youse lot comin' in or goin' out? Otherwise I'm goin' to shut this gate and go and get some proper kip

[Travel weary woman]
*approaches the gate with her hand on her sword*

[Lancelots Horse]

Clippity-clo, clippity-clop, stop.

[Lancelot]

Hello, travel weary woman, can I help at all? Be not afraid of these ogres, its all bluff. They are jolly nice sorts really. Or, if you prefer, I could chop them up for you, although I see you have a trusty sword of your own.

[Guinevere]

(Still thrown over horses rump)

*Snore, Snore*

[Lancelot's Horse]

Make your mind up, you great ponce, are we going in or standing around here? If the latter I would prefer that you got off, together with your armour and your rescued Queen woman, so I can have a rest.

[Lancelot]

(To horse) Tush tush, mighty steed, all in good time.

(To travel weary woman) Please excuse him, he didn't eat his breakfast properly today. Lack of oats. Always makes him tetchy.

[Travel weary woman who needs a name]

Well, I could use a bit of help. There's quite a few of them for one person to take care of. *draws her sword*

[ogres](All of them, at sight of unsheathed blade)

Aaargh!! (They run and hide)

[Lancelot]

You see, nameless but travel weary person, these are not such fierce ogres. (Dismounts, with a great deal of clanging of armour and peruses closed door)

(Shouts) OI, CYRIL.!! (No Reply)

(Pats Guinevere's rear until he finds her mobile. Extracts it. Switches it on and scrolls through address book until he gets to Cyril. This takes some considerable time, although, curiously all the A's, B's and most of the C's are mens names. Eventually reaches CYRIL. size 6, Stamina 3, Skills 8
CYRIL. size 9!, Stamina 8!, Skills 0
CYRIL. size 6, Stamina 6, Skills 6)

Thats not much help! Any ideas?? (Shows phone to wearied lass.)

[Bright Idea]

(Dawns)

[Lancelot]

Of course! (Goes to door, rings bell)

[Bored Guard's voice]

Yes, who is it?

[Lancelot]

Lancelot. And the Queen. And a nameless weary woman, from afar.

(Pulls woman close to the door)

Sorry, its just that there are one or two ladies in there who might just...(A bucketfull of water is thrown from on high, narrowly missing the horse and queen.)

[Lancelot's Horse]

Oh, I say!

[Comedy Bit Part serf #139 (Cyril apparently)]
I would recommend moving that horse if I were you. We've been forced to soak the ogres periodically to keep the smell down, and your horse is now in the path. So, one knight, one Queen and one nameless warrior maid/travel weary woman. The Queen and the knight are fine, but I'm going to have to ask for some ID from the warrior maid.

...


Ooops, arrr, I bees forgettin' abouts me akcent.

[Lancelot]

Are you sure? (Pulls renowned sword a few inches out of scabbard in not very friendly manner) The ladies are with me!

[Comedy Bit Part Serf #139] Oi, you cahn't be doin' that! Ah'll be 'avin' the 'ole union aht on strike if'n youse be trying that.

[Lancelot]

(Pulls renowned sword a few more inches from its scabbard.)

I think not my friend. There will be no strike. They will be too busy searching for your head in yon shark-infested moat!

Now, will you let us through? (Over-politely, and sinisterly so!)

[Comedy Bit Part Serf #139] Err... well... um... *Luckily he prevaricates long enough for the next Ogre wetting bucket, which neatly soaks Lancelot. Taking the opportunity this presents the guard leaps into the guardhouse, locks the door behind him and pops open an emergency bottle of rot gut.*