h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Deep in a large cave deep in an eerie forest deep in a range of hills and miles from the nearest kebab shop...*

[Ogre Chieftain] Right then lads, here's the plan: we do over a couple of the knights, kidnap their maidens and then we demand a lifetime's supply of kebabs each, delivered to our lair, or the girlies get it! So, Bert, do you know what you're supposed to do? *points at Bert, an underling Ogre*

[Bert]

Warm the pitta bread??

[small child ogre]
I want to go! Can I? Can I? I'll be bad, honest! Pleeeeeeeease?

[Ogre Chieftain] Very good, Bert. And kids, no, you're going to stay here. If you get bored or anything, we'll leave you a few goats to torture or something.

Right then, lads! Off to Camelot!

[Odysseus]

Duh, sorry, I appear to have got lost again.

Wrong story - soorry!

[Ogre Chieftain] Don't you worry, Mr Odysseus. You'll be wanting Polyphemus the cyclops, I reckon. Well, just head west until you reach the land of the Laestrygonians, then it's third island on the left and you're there.

[Odysseus]

Thanks guv!
Now if only that dratted Poseidon will leave me alone this time

[miscellaneous Ogre] 'Ere, what do you think of this make-up job?

[Ogress]

Screeeeeeeaaaaam!

Oi give me back my lipstick!

*grabs a large spiked club and starts chasing miscellaneous ogre*

[Miscellaneous Ogre] Pain! Unjust pain! Oh the inherent turmoil of transvestite ogredom!

[Ogress] Yes and you being the chieftan's own son too. Go and kill a few knights or I'll not give you any bat dropping stew for tea!

[Miscellaneous Ogre] *tosses mascara and nail varnish petulently aside and trudges out with childish pouting*

[Ogre Chieftain] Okay boys, here's the plan: we'll storm Camelot after breaking down the gates! Those pesky knights won't know what's hit 'em if we stage a frontal assault in the daytime! Follow me! http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/F68913?thread=116706&latest=1

[obligatory village idiot ogre]
But won't they see us coming?

[Obligatory Ogre bully]

Not if you put a bag over your head

[obligatory village idiot ogre]
Oh yeaaaaaaaaaah, duh, will they see me if I draw a face on the bag?

[Morgas]
*appears from nowhere*
Hellooo my dear little friends, where are you?
Want some ?
I KNOW what ogres want... YEESSS

[Lancelot] (Just out of sight, but within earshot, unfortunately, on mobile phone)

Hi darlingest one, I'm just outside the lair now...No, I don't think so, I didn't tell anyone, just rode straight here...To rescue you, why do you ask?.. You can't like it here... Look, I've come all this way, and I'm taking you back with me, whatever you say...Well yes it would be quite exciting...No don't say things like that, I've got my armour on... No stop it!, Guiney...Ohhh! Stop, please...All right... Just five minutes though, then I'm coming in... Certainly not, thats trollism not ogrism!... See you soon, can't wait...bysee bye.

[Guinevere}

(Calling out) Come on in big boy, you can take me now!

[Lancelot]

(Enters the lair, to find the queen buckling up her shift and all but one of the ogres lying around the cave sleeping the peaceful sleep of the truly exhausted. The one still conscious, is sitting motionless, eyes blinking, feeling more than a little ill-used.)

I am here, my queen, to take you back to the castle, but I hope you understand that I am going to have to charge waiting time!