h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"I bet I can put all of those in my mouth at once," I said, referring to what was left of my workmate's breath fresheners. You know the ones - they're new, and are like little green paper rectangles. They melt in the mouth, and are very strong. Someone who had tried one earlier - yes, just one - had to go get a drink of water when her eyes started to water.

There were 21 of these little rectangles left. As they were very thin, they didn't look like much, but we all knew the punch they packed. "Go on then," said colleague. So I did.

"Alan, are you sure you're okay?" asked the now concerned colleague, "your eyes have gone all bloodshot!" "I'm fine," I replied. I wasn't fine. They breath fresheners had all decided to stick to the roof of my mouth in the manner of that eating paper you used to get years ago. Except eating paper that *stings*. I felt like my throat was being flame roasted. My hands were visibly shaken. Yet, I was a man, in the company of woman, and I was damned if I'd let them see any weakness. I fought back tears and expletives.

"So, how much did we bet?"

"We didn't. And anyway, I don't have any money. And if I did, I wouldn't give it to a fool for doing something like that."

"Oh."

I used to have a mate who used to do things like this all the time, just for the hell of it.

Thank you for bringing back so many happy, happy memories...

I am reminded of one of my favourite DNA lines, from 'So Long And Thanks For All The Fish'. It goes something like: 'Grown men, he told himself, do not behave like this, thus ignoring thousands of years of accumulated evidence about the way grown men behave.'

This story was brought to you in association with the following smiley:

Actually, despite being 'sugar-free', it did actually give me a bit of a rush. Although that was perhaps adrenaline from being so close to death.

These aren't the ones with the warning on the side of the packet which reads "May have laxative effects if taken in large quantities", I hope?

No, but they do contain a source of phenylalanine. Which is my name, except with 'phenyl' at the start. And 'ine' at the end. So it can't be bad for me, surely?

Depends on your point of view. You might wake up tomorrow and discover there's three of you.

Which can only be a good thing, right? Surely the world can't have enough of me?

"Me, I could have a gallon of Alan."

Er, indeed.

Men.....

Didn't she even buy you a to ease your discomfort, oh foolish one?

So how's your breath?

...if you still have any...

.....it could probably strip paint with all that fiery mint in it...

My breath hasn't caused any young ladies to suddenly find me incredibly attractive. And I'm not in an open-top car cruising across some empty US landscape. So it's not like the adverts.

Well....."the sun always shines on tv....." Just goes to show, you can't believe everything these Ad Copy writers tell you.....

I can't believe I remembered an A-ha lyric Shock, Horror!

"So it's not like the adverts"

Have you tried breathing on some glass and then writing an "X" on it like the smug Nathan Barley type c**t does in that advert?

Remember, kids, smuggling chewing gum through airport security is punishable by death in most countries. Just say no!

*tries to crowbar another A-Ha song title into the conversation*

*fails*