h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I wasn't planning on going to Bramall Lane to watch the match against the hated Leeds - money's been a bit tight, and the car has been playing up something horrible.

Well today I got a nice big fat cheque from one of the local PCTs for a load of consultancy work that I did for them months ago. (I think they've overpaid me actually.) Plus the car was fixed last week when I got the battery replaced and the alternator fiddled with a bit.

So I thought to myself why not get a ticket. If results go right, then that night could see Sheffield promoted and Leeds condemned to another year (and it would be a year without parachute payments) in the second tier of English football. That would be really nice.

I get on the phone and start ringing. After an hour or so of Enya blasted in my ear, plus messages that my call is important etc etc, I finally get through. I'm told be the guy in the box office that there are ten tickets left. That's ten tickets in a ground that holds 30,936.

I've got one of them

You should come to Almondvale we tend to have 55-65% of the seats still available and that includes with most of the opposition teams bringing the numebr of fans they promised.

All I want is 8 (9 probably looking at Goal difference) more points than the Pars.

Goy my ticket ages ago...

Having seen both your teams recently - I'll go for 0 - 0. (Assuming the Leeds manager doesn't pop in for another half time chat with the ref.)

Chat wouldn't help, the only chance of us scoring is if Paddy Kenny throws the ball into his own net...

Despite my current bonhomie I am not going to go on any poultry audits until the numbers are in the bag.

This attitude is part of being a Blade. Yes I know, the maximum we could possibly need is just four points from four games. But I remember 12 years ago in May...


That weekend I was at a student conference in Edinburgh. I got hold of the half-time scores for this last weekend of the season, and the numbers said we were going to be just fine. In the course of the next 45 minutes Sheffield United dropped 4 places as results conspired against them, and the actual score that relegated them was practically the last kick of the season.

It's been 12 years now that my team has been relegated. So please allow me a moment of scepticism that my dream might not come true.



The girl I was going out with at that time, 12 years ago now, has got herself three kids with three different Dads (none of them me), and her eldest was 10 this last January. My god, that's a lot of water under a lot of bridges...

Forgive me if I hope the fates conspire and that last kick this year puts us back in the top flight...

Well if Paddy gets a couple more bangs on the nut like he did last week - he just might.