h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Space Rangers gathered outside the door and rapped sharply. Pandora checked quickly round the room and then opened the door. The Space Rangers trooped in and stood to attention. "How is he?" they asked in a hushed voice. Pandora looked around, expecting to see Scheitzkopf awake and able to answer for himself, but to all intents and purposes he was back asleep again.

Curiosity stepped up to the Space Rangers and with a waggle of her hips she said, "He's still out to it and while he 's out do you want to investigate me any further?" Pandora, using the sensory abilities of the lavender suit was able to tell that Curiosity was very scared, and also that she was screening from some outside person. The Space Ranger, turned bright red and said "No Ma'am, but I've been instructed to leave a guard here to make certain that nothing untoward happens.

Curiosity and Pandora looked at each other in consternation, then Pandora moved closer to the rangers and, unzipping the first eight inches of the front of her suit, said "Fine, but I'm taking a shower.

At this, the space rangers talked amongst themselves and with some reluctance said, "We'll wait outside" They wheeled around and left in the same formation as the had arrived, although a couple gave backward looks as they left.

Curiosity moved to lock the door after them, then turned to face Pandora. She opened her mouth and Schzeitkopf said "Someone please tell me what is going here?" "My question exactly" said Asmodeus as he stepped out of the 'fresher.

After an eight-month pause, during which several of the characters got very fidgety and some of the Space Rangers gave up and went back home, Pandora finally said.......

"OOOOh, morning mouth is so much worse when it's been 8 standard galactic months since I've flossed" She stretched like a cat and shook herself all over. Then she look around at the others who lay on the floor in various positions of abandonment. Asmodeus and Sheiztkopf had very heavy beards.

She moved over to the command centre and entered in the landing co-ordinates, then turned on the hidden communicator behind her ear and announced their safe arrival.

A metallic sound and the air got very fresh all of a sudden. The airlocks started cycling and, as Curiosity began to stir, Pandora draped herself artisticly over the single couch and began to moan with the rest of them.

After frantically searching around for some mouthwash and a razor, Schzeitkopf majestically said, "What was I saying<?>"
"Well," began Asmodeus, "I had just made a totally suprise entry and I think you had just asked what was going on."
"I remember!" said Pandora between gargling mouthwash, " And I was just about to say........."

"...Isn't it about time we threw in an orgy scene?"

Asmodeus and Scheitzkopf looked across at each other and gave thumbs up signs. "That's more like it," exclaimed Scheitzkopf.

Curiosity wrinkled her nose. "Men!" she snarled, as she walked into the shower and locked the door.

Pandora smiled as she watched Curiosity's reaction. "Now that she's out of the room," she began. The men's faces fell. "What you really ought to know is..."

".....I'm pregnant. I wanted to tell you sooner but I was wondering if you'd notice."

Total silence from the guys...

"And umm....I thought that you might like to know that the father is.....ummm......

"...the cat figurine, I think. We were kind of cosy in the escape pod."

Asmodeus waggled his ears. "I had no idea they were that powerful, especially since I've forgotten what went on in the first 20 posts of this thread."

Suddenly, a piercing scream emanates from the shower area. Curiosity runs out, a towel loosely covering the important bits. "Why didn't you tell me that Toby was still in there?"

Toby saunters out, grinning manically. "Wha-hey, little lady. Why'd you run away?"

Pandora grew jealous, and decided that it was about time she got the bloody story moving toward a conclusion. "Curiosity, we now have all five cat figurines in one location. Isn't it about time we found out what they do?"

Scheitzkopf blinked slowly. "All five figurines are here? Why didn't you say so? I've been waiting eight months for this." He stood up and pulled out the blaster he'd been hiding under his shirt.

And shot all of the figurines.........

The onyx statuettes promptly exploded in puffs of yellowish-green smoke. When the smoke cleared, Pandora's pussycat was lying on the floor, fast asleep.

Scheitzkopf, turned and pointed his blaster at the others, who had flattened themselves against the wall. "Say 'Nighty-night!'"

His finger slowly tightened on the trigger...

....when the cat came out of a deep sleep, launching itself at the gun.

A dramatic struggle bagan between him and the mad cat. And then, in the midst of the noisy fight area, Pandora's waters broke....

Curiosity took charge of the situation, ordering Toby and Asmodeus to get clean towels and boiling water.

Meanwhile Scheitzkopf and the cat had fought to a stalemate.

Then suddenly....

The door opened and in walked the guard.
"Its been brought to my attention that someone in this room, - No Lady! Breathe! Breathe! C'mon now you're doing really well! OK wait for the next one. - is in possesion of an unregistered plot twist. By the powers vested in me by the Intergalactic Prime, there is only one response to this situation."

Opening the door he stuck his head in the corridor and yelled.....

"Nurse! The screens!"

Whereupon....

Five nurses ran in each carrying a television monitor. A squat balding man plowed into the room following them carrying a Sony DVCam and tripod and began setting it up to record the action. The nurses connected the television screens to the camera, and began making popcorn. Twenty-four guards wandered in and pulled chairs over to watch the televisions.

Pandora tried to sit up and said...

"I'd like to thank my agent, my producer, the cat figurine, my parents, my music teacher - Mrs McGillyCuddy, Hans Christian Anderson, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and anyone who knows me."

"Now get this cross-species miscegation out of me!"

Her cervix dilated suddenly...

A voice from inside her womb was heard, "What walks on four legs, then on two legs, and finally on three legs?"

Toby and Asmodeus looked at each other and shrugged. Scheitzkopf started hitting his head against the wall. The soldiers who were watching television started watching this more interesting phenomenon, since their leader was typically very orderly. Ignored, Curiosity decided that she didn't really want to stay in this nuthouse. She snuck out and ran for the Mercedes star cruiser.

The cat stretched and curled into a ball for a nap.

Pandora screamed...

A cat with an erection yelled a disembodied voice.

The guards all drew their guns and rushed into the corridor Pandora pushed down and ejected life into the harsh environment.

Toby and Asmodeus approached the infant, boogying gentle to the beat of Scheitzkopf's head against the wall.

"You know," said Toby, "That baby looks like -

"- Winston Churchill!" chorused everybody in the room.

All the newspaper reporters crowded around Pandora, except for the chap from The Sun, who thought he'd got the scoop of the century. Imagine! This woman has just given birth to the offspring of a famous Prime Minister who's been dead for years!

....He ran that story on front page and everyone actually belived it.

Meanwhile....

Pandora was working on her paternity suite, unfortunately she was not gifted with the needle.

Before long she had produced....