h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... or even a bohemian surrealist type, like Salvador Dali

"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?"































"Frog"

Remember, all alleys in New York end in a brick wall.

And they're lined with dustbins

There's always two men carrying a pane of glass in a comedy car chase

Indians always circle anti clockwise round a wagon train.

There's always enuff wagons in a train to form a circle (unless you're in a Mel Brooks Movie)

Cowboy coffe is never stewed.

Cowboy coffee is never stewed.

Cops - if you've only got a week to go before retirement, take those back holidays *now*!

And take your wife with you.

Sci-fi heroes:
Watch that explosion, there will be a small shuttle or fighter leaving it. That craft contains the villain, so go and shoot it down while it's vulnerable.

Always steal the detective's car. He usually leaves it unlocked when he goes into someones house.

When the bad guy is about to press the button to make the bomb go off, don't worry, it always takes him ages to do it. Plenty of time to get out or to shoot him.

To all James Bond bad guys...

1) Don't explain your entire plan to Bond before you kill him,

2) DON'T LEAVE HIM ALONE TO DIE! At least put a CAMERA in the room!

Villains in a Schwarzenegger action movie. Whilst fighting Arnie, it would do your dignity a lot of good if you just let him shoot you or throw you off a building. If you let him kill you in an unusual way, you'll give him the opportunity to throw an excrutiating pun your way.

ie. You let him impale you on a steam-pipe, the Austrian Oak will opine that you needed to "let off some steam"

"Smoking is bad for your health"

eeegh!

To anyone in a Star Wars movie: Do not underestimate the power of the force!
To anyone in a disney film: Sing a song about friendship and no harm can come to you!
To anyone in an action movie: Don't trust anyone who looks like Alan Rickman or Gary Oldman!

I thankyou.

To anyone in a Star Wars movie: Try not to act alongside CGI characters; everybody will be looking at them...

To anyone in a horror movie: standing and screaming at the bad guy isn't going to make him go away, or improve the situation.

Getting out the car to see what the noise in the woods was, is also not a good idea. Unless everyone else does, in which case, staying in the car alone is not a good idea.

...and, as they say in Scream. Always avoid those famous last words.

"I'll be right back..." and
"Tommy? Is that you?"

'having just seen Spiderman'

Lead female characters in Superhero films...

that geeky guy you work with or know quite well - it's HIM!

And for superheroes:

"Don't make friends with Weapons Scientists or other people with access to large arrays of dangerous gadgets and body enhancing drugs as they will no doubt go insane and try to kill you one day."

and...

"Why not reveal your identity to your girlfriend? It'll make your relationship much easier in future."

Also to bad guys, the "We're not so different you know? We should join forces." speech never works. Just kill the gullible prat while he's listening to you.