h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Once again this threads main discussions
have sod all to do with the Russians,
the Iraqis, the french
or Osamas new trench
which helps us avoid repercussions.

Once again we've drifted to sex
quite why will forever me vex.
Sex crazed some would say
which by me is ok
even though it does me perplex.

Between sacrad thoughts and profanity
lay the borders of sexual sanity.
Is it wrong to be obsessed
by penguins in string vests?
Is this the route to calamity?

The borders of all sexuality
is a tryst or agreed mutuality
what is known as perversion
is to press known aversion
with unwarranted cruel brutality

Today is the day of St Valentine.
May I suggest an article of mine?
Please contemplate,
A962048
And then drink a vat of red wine.

Nice one - enjoyed the entry, I will return

A whole vat you say, of red wine?
you are persuasive old swine
I will if I must
just to wash down the dust
Cabernet is a favourite of mine

A vat of wine? Well, I declare it
Sounds good, so let's go prepare it
But I would say nay
To a red cabernet
It must be Bordeaux - yes, a claret

Now you're talking - yes! Red wine
is also a favourite of mine
A nice fruity slurp
a satisfying burp
Try the wines from the sunny Palatine


A594380

should we call it Shiraz,or old Syrah
either way I'm an equal admira'
if the girl in the shop
says "it's only red slop"
then soundly whip and then fire-her

Dressing to impress your young man
Is so simple for any woman
Forget leather and stocking,
it's so simple it shocking,
Go naked and bring a spare can.

I have known s below the waist - but I just know we don't want to go there.

I'm wearing my best, whispered Eve
that way we can neither deceive
then she said with a moan
"oh my, how it's grown"
Is there something I need to relieve

I've got me string vest on, Madam,
replied a somewhat concerned Adam,
If you feel it behoves it
I'd happily remove it,
With a flourish, like so, "Shazam!"

I advise against going out bare.
The folk in the pub would all stare.
You would shock the bar staff,
Or worse, they might laugh,
Or give you some bar towels to wear.

I told my friend Jim of a plan
To get all the candy I can
By raiding the city's
Urban youth (call them kiddies)
I hope they don't call in The Man!

I thought I'd partake of the wine
I'm a fan of a red that is fine
Then the thread went all rude
Drink in the nude???
Almost puts you off fruit of the vine!

Drinking nude has a problem: it's this
If you think that your beer's lost it's fiss
You think you can tell
A urea-like smell
Someone's not just been "taking" the piss

I don't know, it's not bad, drinking in the buff
And when you have had quite enough
The surplus will run
all over your tum
And somebody nice can lick it off

Please! It's now all I can think
Of nudes in the park having drinks
It's a problem, I'm sure
When it comes to the poor
Cops that throw nudes in the clink!

I'm sure it depends where you pour it
Any crannies you have that may store it
And licking it up
From the wrong sort of cup
May be hard for the cops to ignore it

Better than wine for my money
is a good dollop of Canadian honey,
some sturdy suspenders
and a dose of 'EastEnders'
though some folk might think that a bit funny.