h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If I'm ever in need of advice,
I just ask someone nice,
Like Henry Rollins,
Or even Phil Collins,
Who sometimes consults with fieldmice.

If I'd known that Phil Collins was versed
in a language so broad and diverse
as Cleth. glareolus*
if only he'd told us
I might think him less of an erse

Collins brings mice to his studio,
to help with the sundries: food and so,
The mice really hate it
and try and escape it
Though they're reasonably fond of "Sussudio"

Now Collins is known as a drummer
and sometimes a plucker and strummer
on one thing he's furious
and claims that it's spurious
when it's said that his singing's a bummer

Can't believe that it's four in the morning
And my boyfriend quite rightly is snoring
I've tried hot milky drinks
But got just 40 winks
And here I sit greeting the dawn in!!

What a wolly, and I totally regret
Altering the previous subject
Limericks of us make fools
and I'm learning the rules
Hope Phil Collins feels no real neglect!

Do not feel so dejected
That Phil was so easily neglected
He's done his time
In these lines of rhyme
And thoroughly deserves to be rejected.

Please bear with me in these times of stress
At work they have cut off my access
And son number three
Has "fixed" my home PC
So for the time being I am Hootoo-less

Before withdrawl symptoms set in,
Post as much as you can get in,
Fix the PC
and son No. 3
Then a world of fun you can let in.

After months of looking around,
A limerick thread has been found!
So never defeated,
My search is completed,
Now poor timing and rhyme may abound!

Oh yes - limericks are like snot
Your handkerchief's full, yet you've got
A head full of more
Silly rhymes galore
You can never get rid of the lot!

But mine are more like bogeys, yeah?
They have to be teased out with care.
Once two are pulled out,
I find that I doubt
There are any more good ones to share...

<-------- (Me with a bogey I've pulled out for you)

<-------- (TC sneezing)

I though all males were blessed
with a head full of green slimy mess
From the tramp to the nob
All they do is gob
What the girls think - they couldn't care less

*stands back and waits for s

Of course! It's just guys that have mucus.
No, girls are not farters or pukers!
If we'd ever contrued
That the queen had ever pooed,
She'd strip and she'd whip and rebuke us.

(didn't end up as good as I thought it was going to at the start )

But the point at which a Monarch ends
is when their bits all curl up and bend
If Elizabeth Regina
Has a royal angina
She will find, in Prince Philip, a friend.

We don't deny such bodily functions
But ladies have far more compunction
About invoking disgust
on street, train or bus,
Or on the platform at Clapham Junction

In that case a shock awaits ya'
If we ever meet and become mates, yeah?
For with pride I will start
To burp, sniff and fart,
After all, it is only my nature.

With mates like that who needs zoos?
That's not the company I'd choose
I would hardly expect
to have that effect
On anyone - I aim to amuse

I'm just joking, my good good lady.
I don't really behave like a baby!
I'd arrive on the scene
Suited, booted and preened
And act like a gentleman...maybe.

*curtseys*

What a relief to find civilisation
Is not in complete degradation
Your description of a meet
sounds right up my street
I look forward to such events with elation

A rendezvous in a place where it's shady
Some cider or wine drunk sedately
A laugh and a smil
And after a while
I might not behave like a lady