h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two immaculate lims! Bravo!

There once was a fellow named Tim
whose dad never taught him to swim.
He fell off a dock
and sunk like a rock.
And that was the end of him.

There once was a young girl named Jill.
Who was scared by the sight of a drill.
She brushed every day
So her dentist would say,
“Your teeth are so perfect; no bill.”

There was a young man of France
Who taught married women to dance
Though he couldn't La Bamba
Nor Tango, nor Samba
He still got into their pants.

There was a young man called McKay
Who fell in a road roller's way
He couldn't take flight
To the left or the right
So he's shiny new surface today

or is it

There was a young man called McKay
Who never stopped wondering why
Every verse that pretends
To significance ends
In an anticlimactical

The limericks here are the best.
Come on in. Oh please be our guest.
Each one is a jewel,
So witty and cool.
I can't wait to see all the rest.

Are you ready for this one? Sit down!
And prepare for the best one around!
It's witty and smart!
A real piece of art!
Destined for praise and renown!

This might seem like a bit too much hype
For a piece of poor second-rate tripe
Too quickly you screen
This poem, yet green
Full effect will be seen when it's ripe

There was a prime minister, Dave
Who new how to look and behave
'We're in it together'
He said, adding a feather
To the nests of the rich folk he'd save

There was a prime minister, Dave
Who knew how to look and behave
'We're in it together'
He said, adding a feather
To nests of the rich folk he'd save


Not new. I knew that.

Prime Minister Stephen McStephen
Had teeth that were perfectly even.
His hair had a part
That was stylish and smart,
And with humour his speeches he'd leaven.

On a balcony, high in the mist,
Stood a bucket, in which all had pi55ed.
When it poured from the sky
On a poor passer-by,
Not the tiniest drop of it missed.

Of snow I am getting so tired.
Tomorrow in more we'll be mired.
"'Twill melt!" we've been told,
"'cause it will not be cold."
Mother Nature deserves to be fired!

The Spring is decidedly here,
The loveliest time of the year;
So it's time to embark
On a lark in the park--
'Life is skittles' says Tom, 'Life is beer'

For Tom Lehrer, who will be 83 in nine days' time

Oops, bad maths there. Eight days' time, the 9th of April

Though disgustingly up to his ears
In putrid filth, still it appears
In spite of the vile
Stench from the bile
Relief may come in a few years

She was pretty and tasted so sweet
A joyful, kind person to meet
Friendly and clean
Witty and keen
Soft spoken, well mannered, petite



Better?

A girl of impeccable taste
Tied a large long-tailed skunk 'round her waist.
They thought her demented.
She said, "'Tis descented.
The men should approach without haste..."

~~There was a young lady from Perth,
who possessed a sizeable girth,
Her mother was bitter
and often would hit her
Saying, "she weighed 30 pounds at birth."

Many are inclined to disparage
The hype round the Royal Marriage
But I wish no ill
on Kate and her Will
And hope that they honeymoon in Harwich.