h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*As Giguschild, Uncle Heavy, and Kudos slowly wake up, they find themselves strapped to small operation tables. Opposite them is a large monitor showing Minos Krylma and a boy, roughly eight years old, standing in front of a large map of h2g2. The two villains grin*

Ah, so you finally all came to. Let me introduce my friend. This is Mortimer McMire, better known as The Grand Intellect, and at times referred to as The Ganallech by his minions, the Shikadi. The three of you are being included in a deal between the two of us, involving him extending some of his buisiness to h2g2, and me getting copies of the schematics for his QED, the destructive capacity of which could blow up the Galaxy!

*McMire clears his throat*

Mortimer-The three of you are in the heart of an asteroid that I thoughtfully tunnelled through, and included artificial gravity, as well as other life support systems. As part of my experiments, I'm going to check your survival skills.

*The map switches to show a cut-away diagram of the asteroid*

As you can see, this asteroid has been turned into a maze roughly the size of Manhattan. On the outside of the asteroid are ships that are capable of transporting you back to h2g2. And, just to make it that much more challenging, you have only forty posts before you run out of air to breathe, and then only five posts before the asteroid detonates. Have fun!

Minos Krylma-Oh, and please abide by the rules of continuity. It's no fun to have a forum full of one-post solutions. That gets tedious, and makes the creation of these puzzles difficult for supervillains. And without supervillains, the likes of you (with the exception of Kudos) would be out of a job. In any event, good luck!

*The monitor blinks off, and the bonds of the operation tables come undone*

Giguschild leaps up off the table and shakes the groggy UH. He points down a dark tunnel which slopes downwards.

[Giguschild] Thisss way.

[UH] How do you...um, never mind. And what about Kudos?

[Giguschild] I sssaid thiss way, stupid.

Giguschild scuttles off down the corridor. UH contemplates staying here to help Kudos, then thinks better of it and chases the Xenomorph into the dark, mysterious tunnel.

[UH] Wow, THIS feels like a really stupid move...


#A few moments later#

In the pitch black tunnel, Uncle Heavy runs blindly, panting and wheezing.

[UH] *pant*...*wheeze*...*cough, cough*...damn...this...belly...!! Where's-

With a hiss, he is pounced on by the spiny shape of Giguschild.

[UH]GGGAAARRGGHHH!!!

Oh...it's you...you MISBEGOTTEN [CENSORED...CENSORED]SON of a [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] STICK INSECT with [CENSORED CENSORED] for LEGS!! Right...let's get going.

*They set off. After a while...*

Where...are we going?

[Giguschild] There's a pheremone trail down thiss tunnel...I'm not sure what of, but it ssseems as good a way to go as any.

*nods in agreement. Pauses. Stares sidelong at GS*
UH: Waitesec...what did I just say about bellies? I don't think I have one. There must be a puppetmaster of somesort here...controllong our very actions! curse him!
Gigus: I have a mental age of three and no friends! Look, I have an enourmous backside. All the women scorn me.
UH: That's so profound, man

*On their way down the corridor, they pass a flashing neon sign above a door. It reads 'Way Out! Right Here!'.* But because they are looking the other way, neither notices it.*

Giguschild pulls back and, *WHAM*, smacks UH right into the wall. UH's body smashes into the neon sign, breaking it and rendering it unreadable. Fortunately, UH's belly prevents him from being injured.

Here the tunnel stops where it meets a long metal accessway. The air is very hot, and there is a slight breeze which keeps changing direction.

[Giguschild] The trail splits into two here. Humans definintely are or were to the left, and on the right...I sstill can't work out what it is. Which way do we go, belly-boy?

Suddenly, from a small grille set into the wall, a distant voice echoes into the tunnel...

[Distant, echoey voice] Rejected...by...ev[muffle]...

*The two villains watch the progress of the two heroes on a holo-map, a projection combined of predesigned animation and constant sonar waves. Their is currently no sound, but they can instantly see the location of the two heroes*

Ah, splendid. They've reached the cross sections. I stocked the left passage with a few creations of mine. What did you put in the right?

*Mortimer McMire stares at the holo-map a bit longer*

Grand Intellect-I didn't think they deserved to die so soon, so I only put a few shikadi in that corridor.

Minos-If you didn't want them to die you should've stocked a few Mangols. I mean, if you so much as touch a Shikadi, it's enough energy to fry your brain.

McMire-Yes, but I figured that the Xenomorph would probably figure that out. I mean, they do have that distinct odor of burning chemicals, so I doubt he'll try it.

Minos-Let's hope you're right. I'd hate to see them die before they get to the monstrosities we cooked up at the exit...

*Their laughter echoes through the corridors of the Draco, and the scene returns to the Asteroid*

Giguschild slaps UH.

[Giguschild] Sstop babbling. Well, HUMANS sso far have been bad luck. Also, there's a lot of electromagnetic disturbance to the right, and what smells like it could be batteries or some other chemical power-source - it could be some kind of machine we could use, or a lift. Let'sss go.

They set off down the passage.

*As they continue down the passage, there is a slight blue flash of light, and the chemical smell starts to get a bit stronger*

[A Chiss starfighter comes out of hyperspace next to the Draco. After an exchange of pleasantries, the two ships dock with each other. Er, I'm assuming they can. A moment later, Ancba enters the control room]

[Ancba] How are they doing?

Sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to sit down here in the corridor and wait for UH or Kudos to post, before I do. You'll just have to wait around - especially since UH is on holiday at the moment :]

They've got thirty-five posts before they run out of oxygen, and forty posts before the Asteroid detonates. Out of the sense of fairness in my heart, I'm not counting posts other than those made by the three prisoners, unless of course they just refuse to continue posting, in which case it's an automatic victory. All in all, they're progressing about as well as I'd hoped they would. Especially Kudos.

Besides, those three prisoners won't see what I'm hoping this mission will accomplish until it's too late. Here's hoping they continue posting before Kudos decides to foul up their escape.

Good.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to the Unknown Regions for several months. I do not know when I'll return, but when I do, I expect to have a considerably greater number of allies. [exit]

[His ship flies away. Flopsy enters]

[Flopsy] Well, now what's going on?

Farewell, Ancba. Hello, Flopsy.

Currently, I've trapped three of my five biggest problems in an asteroid, thanks to a little help from Mortimer McMire, who's currently on a secret base somewhere in h2g2. And thanks to all of this, I've got blueprints and instructions for construction of the QED. Little did the Grand Intellect know that I had enough information to copy his design of the OmegaMatic, and all I needed was the information for the Quantum Explosion Dynamo. When it's all done, I'll hold the Galaxy for ransom! I'll even add a few Tantalus chambers to it, so that I can blow away continent size chunks of any nearby planets. Ahh, the life of a super villain.

*UH trots down the corridor, and finds Gigus sitting there, with what can only be a hugely bloated effigy of the real UH. UH is glad he has no such belly, but wonders how they came to be split up. Gigus is also on holiday aTM. SoTHIS DOES NOT COUNT AS A POSTING. CAPISCHE?*

[Giguschild] What kept ya, ya schmuck?

They set off again down the corridor, the bloated doll following along behind them for some reason. As they progress, the piercing smell of chemicals gets stronger and stronger. After a long while, they reach a hairpin bend: Giguschild reaches out his arm to stop UH.

[Giguschild] Hold on.

He grabs the UH effigy from behind them...as it squeaks uselessly, GS gently floats it around the corner. There is a short pause, and then with a bright flash of blue light and a raining shower of sparks, the limp rag of it's body is thrown back around the corner. It hits the metal wall with a mild *plaf*.

Incredible. To think that anyone in the galaxy would stoop so low as to use hyper-tungsten disintigrorays. They're banned in every system this side of Vorticon V! Gigus my friend, we are dealing with no ordinary super criminal. No. This...fiend is so evil that he'd stoop to using...these. There is a way to disable them, but we'll need jelly. And lots of it!

[Giguschild] I have a better idea. Your skeleton is made of Adamantium, n'est-ce pas?

[UH] *nervous* Y...yeees? And? And stop using French. Whoever heard of a French Xenomorph? It's just crazy. I mean, what next, German Predators?

[Giguschild] Stop stalling. You know what's coming next.

[UH] *Unhappily* Yeah. I know.

GS peers cautiously around the corner. He sees five of the strange creatures, arcs of electricity passing between them occasionally. He's not exactly sure what they look like, because nobody's given him a description. But as he can't be arsed to wait around, he's going to assume they're approximately humanoid in size and weight.

[Giguschild] Right.

He grabs UH by the lapels of his overcoat and with a piercing hiss, rushes around the corner. Running at full pelt into the line of creatures, he strikes one full in the body with the protesting UH's back. There is a vast blue flash as energy discharges into the man heavy, and the creature is knocked to the floor, leaving Giguschild time to sprint down the corridor faster than they can chase him.

After a few moments they come to a halt, and GS leans the stiff and smoking Uncle against the wall. The Xenomorph swiftly cleans himself of dust, and after a while, UH regains consciousness with a groan.

[Giguschild] It's a good thing that the combination of your Supa-Resistive overcoat and your adamantium skeleton gave you a good enough field of [blaah blaah, you get the idea] to protect you from all that electricity, hmm?

[UH] Shut it, you tart.

*KL looks at the timer, which shows the number 32. He looks at McMire*

Well met, Mr. 315. They survived. They'll probably get past what I've got in the next chamber.

The Grand Intellect-And what's that?

Minos-Oh, not much. You see, I've taken the liberty of modifying your waste disposal system a tad. The doors will close behind them, and the room will quickly begin to fill with water. When it is completely full (that should take only about a post), the floor will open beneath them, sending them down a hundred foot whirlpool to the sharp teeth of a small pond of highly intelligent (though easy to control, given the level of biological engineering I had at my disposal at the time) hammerhead sharks. Like I said, they'll survive this. I hope.

*The two villains eagerly glare at the screen, munching popcorn. KL doesn't know exactly what Flopsy's up to*

The pair of superheros wander down the corridor.

[Giguschild] Hmm. I wonder what's up ahead...

[UH] I, too, am also wondering that.

The conversation carries on along these lines for a while, until they come to the entrance to a large, dark room. For the want of anything better to do, they enter it. The doors clang shut.

[UH] I'm blind!

[Giguschild] That joke wasn't even funny when it was first thought up.

[UH] Sorry.

Suddenly, powerful jets of water start spraying from the cieling. Giguschild stands still for a second, taking time to sense the room. he crouches down in the middle of the floor.

[Giguschild] There's a join in the floor here. I'm guessing that the floor's going to open up some time soon. *pause* Hmm... ah well. No problem.

GS walks quickly to the wall, and latches his claws into the metal, anchoring him fast...Xenomorphs can do that, donchaknow.

*UH, watching his comrade latch himself to a wall, has a brainwave. He unsheathes his claws with a *snik*, and walks to the wall. With the water rising fast, he cuts himself foot holes in the wall, and begins, laboriously, to climb. Sadly, this is no use, and he is swept away as the floor opens. He is dragged down the chute, and finds himself swimming in a large pool at the bottom. He removes his rebreather, and dives under. He sees a hatch and swims over to it. He struggles to open it, but there is no handle. As he does so, it opens, hitting him in the face, but hiding him from view. Sharks begin to fill the room. He puts his finger to his temple, which is hurting. When he draws his hand away, a little flow of blood follows it, gracefully, swirling in the current. The sharks begin to get restless...

Giguschild sighs.

[GS] Silly fool...

The Xenomorph cranes his head a little to see what's happening below. seeing a ripple on the surface and a flash of fin, he detaches himself from the wall and falls backwards, slowly turning over a full circle until he splashes into the surface right on top of the shark's back. As the shark writhes unhappily, Giguschild gently, almost lovingly, reaches underneath it's belly and with a wet *slik*, disembowels it. As the slopping viscera and clouds of black blood spill into the churning water, Giguschild dives underwater and darts through the hatch to the shark-enclosure. Meanwhile the sharks ignore the tiny amount of blood coming from UH's temple and start thrashing and fighting over the carcass of the dead one.