h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

All right.

William Shakespeare owned a thousand Volkswagens, though his first car was a Ford. One night at the Ritz, after a couple of dances with Paddington Bear, he decided to go to Calcutta. On arrival, statues everywhere: General Wolfe, Hemingway, Chaplin, Peter Carey, Michael Caine. An American saw straight through him, but a policeman proclaimed him the winner - and only a month to go till Christmas. So, he went to the mouth of the river to look for the water of life, but his voice came back to him, mixed with applause.

Explain

Cheese at bedtime?

Is it alphabetical?

"Heathrow Ground, Gulf Air one zero seven seven, Signal check, how do you read?"
"Gulf Air one zero seven seven, Heathrow Ground, Readability Four"

It's phonetic ain't it? The "mouth of the river" gave it away.

Good grief! Really? How?

Is Michael Caine Zulu or Alfie?

Damme, that was quick - Montague Trout has it.

William Shakespeare (ROMEO and JULIET) owned a thousand (KILO) Volkswagens (GOLF), though his first (ALPHA) car was a Ford (SIERRA). One night at the Ritz (HOTEL), after a couple of dances (FOXTROT, TANGO) with Paddington Bear (LIMA), he decided to go to Calcutta (INDIA). On arrival, statues everywhere: General Wolfe (QUEBEC), Hemingway(PAPA), (CHARLIE) Chaplin, Peter Carey (OSCAR and Lucinda), Michael (MIKE) Caine (ZULU). An American (YANKEE) saw straight through him (X-RAY), but a policeman (UNIFORM) proclaimed him the winner (VICTOR) - and only a month to go till Christmas (NOVEMBER). So, he went to the mouth of the river (DELTA) to look for the water of life (WHISKY), but his voice came back to him (ECHO), mixed with applause (BRAVO).

Bl;oody hell I'm confused.

Nice to know nothing's changed.

B

* clips master B round the ear with a scale model of the eiffel tower*

**wonders how quickly he'd get chucked out if he made a cheap 'eye-ful' joke**

B

Laugh? I nearly didn't make it to the Louvre.

But Notre Dame question in sight...

B

*bangs head on desk in despair*

I think Egon's going in Seine...

B

Collectively, we stare and gulp; the faintest murmuration barely audible before the inevitable descent into pandemonium ensues; murder in parliament; a parcel-bomb has seen to it that the prime minister's charm is made to desert him. A bevy of schoolgirls, incongruously adolescent in navy-blue serge, watch, tittering and chattering; unkindness personified. Security-guards pass muster, no longer safe.

I can but hover.

Get the thread, if not the author.

"I can but hover."

Is it something to do with 2legs?

B

This has something to do with collective nouns, I think; (and mostly birds perhaps).

It's a murmuration of starlings, is it? (or 'stares' in fact). 'Pandemonium' also. 'Parliament of Fowls' (Chaucer) or 'parliament' as another collective, ditto 'school' (fish too, now). 'Tits' and 'chats'; 'gulp'=swallow. It's a 'murder' of crows, I think. 'Hover' something to do with kestrels - or G.M. Hopkins?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_collective_nouns_for_birds

Collective nouns for birds is surely right.
But what's the thread?

"Where can I find some nice friendly birds?"

Impressed I am, U244483. The thread is "Birds". The author is Hitchcock ... (is that right?) ... I put that in a as conduit for a clue if required.

I think it's a hover of ...

Trout