h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So my sister is now officially out of control. She hasn't been to school in five days (she's 17 and soon to be repeating her junior year of high school) and has no regard for my parents. So my mom and I went over to her loser boyfriend's house to get her, and to make a long story short, she sassed my mom and I had enough.

I grabbed her by the collar of her sweatshirt and growled at her through clenched teeth, "DON'T SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY."

She tried to intimidate me with her Ooh-I'm-so-tough look, but I'm a foot taller and about 50lbs heavier than that pipsqueak. I was unimpressed, and quite frankly, rarin' to fight her right there on the sidewalk. There was a nice patch of grass I would have greatly enjoyed shoving her face into... But my mother didn't want me to get into a fight with her. So I didn't, though I make no promises as to the future. There's only so much attitude I can take from a spoiled little twit who has no clue what the real world is like.

How out of control does she have to be for her parents to worry that she's going to sell their belongings for money, and her sister to fear that she might do harm to her parents?

It truly is a sick, sad world.

I'm off to study the penal code, to know what I'm getting into. She must be stopped.

"The older was a trainee cop, the younger a juvenile delinquent. They were... /The Sisters/." *cue theme song*

Sorry! Couldn't help it. Wish I could help you reign your sis under control... =/ Surely there has to be some public program not unlike boot camp for kids like that. And if there isn't, there should be.

Well, if we had the money, we could put her in a program. We were looking at a nice on in Montana, so if she ran away, WHERE WOULD SHE GO?!

But alas, my parents are deeply in debt. The only state-run type program would be juvenile hall or a mental institution. Neither is looking like such a bad option at the moment...

That is tough, Sea.

B

sea, hon, I don't know what to say. Since she's 17, your parents have a certain amount of control...can they get the boyfriend for statutory rape? I mean, that might do something. Either that, or they'll have to press charges for her doing something, which would mean juvie, which might scare her enough to make her straighten up?

I hope everything works out sea.

I am afraid I can't offer any suggestions, sea. What the girl needs is 24 hour a day supervision, whether it is in a program or at home. Hey, how about one of those electronic ankle bracelets they use to track people on house arrest? Theoretically, she could be allowed to go to work, home or school and nowhere else under penalty of incarceration?

Your parents need to sit her down and tell her that in return for supporting her (i.e. giving her food, shelter, clothing and whatever else they give her), they have certain expectations (i.e. attending school, doing homework, certain chores, observing a curfew, etc.). If those expections aren't met, then priviledges will be withdrawn. Your parents can give her a list showing the order that the priviledges will be withdrawn and for what offences. Of course, priviledges can be reinstated if the offending behaviour is absent for a preset time.

The consequences of offending behaviour have to be automatic - there should be no equivocation or excuses accepted. That's why setting it out on paper is so important. Something they might want to consider is writing it up formally in a contract, which they all sign.

Your sister will most certainly test these limits and priviledges will have to be withdrawn. But at some point, when your sister's world shrinks down enough, she will realize that there is no free ride. And if she knows the exact consequences of her behaviour, and that those consequences are guaranteed, she can judge whether it is worth it.

This discussion should be done calmly and matter-of-factly, without emotion, blame or judgement. It is simply stating an up-to-now unspoken agreement. It is also important for your parents to tell her why they are doing it: because they love her and want her to do well in life - her current decisions are leading her to a second-rate life. Or worse. They might want to show how that will happen as a consequence of her decisions, and that she has a choice. You're all on the same side here - everyone wants her to have a good life.

While she may resent not being able to do only the things she wants to do, it needs to be made clear to her that she needs to play the game in order to come out ahead. It's in her own best interest. Life is full of little sacrifices you make now for a larger gain later or to avoid a larger sacrifice later. School is like that - a pain now, that you put up with because a) it opens doors for a better future and b) if you don't, you are guaranteed a working-class or worse life. So you make the little sacrifice now to avoid the big one later and to set yourself up for a larger gain in the future.

Methinks it's beyond simple 'interventions,' GL; at least not without a cop and a guidance counselor in the room. My high school had its fair share of girls like that - we had a bunch of Korean and Puerto Rican girls who would come to school maybe one or two weeks of the month, doing nothing but fiddling with the trinkets their boyfriends would give them in return for god-knows-what, giving their teachers and counselors the backs of their hands until forcibly seized, searched and put in a program... or they'd simply drop out and be struggling in some hovel with their deadbeat mates.

I can feel your pain, Sea. I've got a younger sibling who's got a bit of difficulty accepting what our parents say. We tell her to do dishes, she says "fine", watches TV for half an hour, gets a sandwich, starts eating, etc. We say, "Do the dishes!" and hear "But I'm EATING!" or "I'm GOING TO! Give me TIME!"

I think she's gotten better over the past few months, but it can be aggravating from time to time.

Good luck with your situation. Here's hoping that it improves.

A good suggestion, GL, if they had tried that when she was 13 and was just getting started. But at this point, they've decided to let her get a job and make her pay rent over the summer. She says she wants to be treated like an adult, so they're going to. They're having a "Big Family Discussion" tonight, and -HA- I'm supposed to leave as Meg doesn't want me here. HAHAHA. My plan is working.

Last night, after we managed to get her home, I had to play guard dog in the backyard because her windows were open and my parents were worried she'd climb out one. The doors were already deadbolted closed, and she doesn't have a key to the bolts. So I decided to *make* her close her window, so I didn't have to sit out there all night. I called Will out to build a fire, and we had the little neighbor over to roast marshmallows. We were having a good old time when

***SLAM***

went Meg's window.

I looked over at Will and said, "Ah, psychology..."

I felt much better about the situation after that...

>> She wants to be treated as an adult....

Hmmm. So many teenagers want it both ways. To be treated as an adult, (read 'not to have you on my back all the time') but also not to have to take 100% responsibility (read 'but will you be my safety net').

It's tough, isn't it?

What is particularly difficult is to get the balance right between setting boundaries and punishment. When the stepson was living here he was trashing the place. There was no malice, but absolutely no sense of responsibility or of consequences. As you know, I eventually slung him out, but I was at pains to explain that it was because of what he was *doing* not because of who he *is*.

I made a point of telling his father I would see him every weekend. There are lots of reasons for this: I like him, I enjoy his company (though a little goes a long way), I wanted to see how he was getting on and make sure he was ok, and I really wanted him to understand that kicking him out wasn't personal. His father got a bit stroppy at that point and said 'at nineteen *everything* is personal', but I said 'that may be true, but if I do see him he may realise at 25 or 35 or 45 that it wasn't personal, but if I don't then he will never have the chance to realise it'. In fact I think he realises it already, and that it was his father who was taking it personally - but there you go.

There have been some amusing episodes since. He now knows the price of Pringles in every major supermarket, and when I said to him '*now* do you see why I got so annoyed when you wasted food and it had to be thrown away?' I got an wryly emphatic 'oh yes'.

It has been tough on all of us, and the difference is that the stepson may be immature in a lot of ways, but he has the emotional sophistication to understand that it was about his behaviour not about him. But putting in the effort to spend time with him and have fun with him has helped.

B

sea, just remember that *you* aren't her parent. Sorry, but your mom and dad should have been the ones making sure she stayed in.

Pssh, Red; she's family well-enough.

I've always been the one who looked out for her. why should that change just because now she thinks she's tough ?

besides, i stayed out of it the last four years and things got worse and worse. so clearly my mom needs some backup. or some butt-kicking.

it has been decided now that sis will drop out of high school and get her diploma through an adult school. she will also get a job and pay rent to my parents.

the good thing is that the parents have come to realize that they are legally responsible for her screw-ups, so they need to exercise some control.

and when my sister and i got into a fight, my mom told me that she's been wishing she could smack sis around for quite a while... i am also glad to report that i won that fight...