h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So today, the good girlfriend that I am, I had some random unidentified film developed that's been lying around the apartment for ages. Had a look at the pics...

Found naughty shots of the fiance and his horrible, evil ex, whom can only be described with words not suitable for this website.

I'm traumatized. I can't get the images out of my head. He had four partners before me, and I know very little but enough for my imagination to blow faaaaar out of proportion. Which it is *FANTASTIC* at doing.

So I asked him to tell me everything, in hopes that hearing that it was all sucky or embarassing (or whatever) would get it out of my head and I'd be able to move on.

Him: What do you mean, everything?
Me: duh. Why you started. Why you had so many partners in one year. Why you went from telling me "I want to wait for marriage" to sleeping with your very first girlfriend four weeks into the relationship. (Note: Incidentally, I think this is why I am so hung up on the whole issue in the first place - this incident senior year of high school was the first time he broke my heart)
Him: I don't know.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I HATE IT WHEN HE SAYS THAT! HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!!!!!!!! He said that when I busted him lying about how many partners he had before me. Me: Why'd you lie to me? Him: "I don't know." Not "I thought you'd be upset. Gee, look, I was right!" or "I didn't want you to think less of me" or "I didn't think it was any of your business" even. But back to the situation at hand...

Me: Don't say that. There are reasons for everything. "I felt pressured"... "everyone was doing it"... You're smart. Explain.
Him: I really don't know.

(silence)

Me: Fine.

So I let it go, but now I can't sleep. I hate going to sleep pissed at him, because it keeps me up and he's over there snoring away like he doesn't have a care in the world.

I hate him right now.

"I don't know" - what a childish response. Can't he grow up enough to explain his actions?! I can never have a real discussion with him. We can't sit down and figure out what we want to do for the wedding because his philosophy for the whole thing is "let's get this over with". That's not a good approach to a reception!!!!!

Fine. Fine. Fine, W, you go ahead and be immature. You'll be sorry when you come to the opening of my first play and discover it's all about our fights and you're getting character assassinated!!!!!

Though I must say that my character is a million times more eloquent than W is. *HE* actually *EXPLAINS* himself.

I'm so sick and tired of having high morals. Some days I just want to hide in bed and pretend I don't know there's a world outside my apartment.

Suggestions, anyone?

Firstly a .

I have no idea if H has told me about 'all' his previous g/fs. I know he has told me about the ones that were important to him and the ones that hurt him (including ex-wife of course).

I suppose I have learnt the approach of what the eyes don't see the heart won't grieve over.

I know you aren't the only one to stumble across photos that you weren't intended to see, but the emotions are real, as a similar thing happened to me many years ago in a previous relationship. I was very shocked and upset, but it was something that happened before my time and I did get over it after a while. My b/f at the time couldn't understand why I was hurt by something that happened before he knew me. But he hadn't tried to cover anything up or had made promises he didn't keep, I was hurt rather than betrayed.

I think the real crux of your problem is that you can't talk to him properly about anything. This could be storing up real problems later on and I think you need to deal with this sooner rather than later and find a way of getting him to talk to you without you feeling he is keeping things from you.

sea,

"I don't know" is about all you're going to get out of him, and frankly, if that's the case, you may want to rethink those wedding plans and let him grow the hell up.

I'm not one to dictate what your final decisions should be (and your fiance seems nice enough, if a bit immature =P), but... MAN: Knock him about or somethin', girl! Beat some sense into him now, or these kind of tiffs will go on and on!

Sorry, sea, but I must be blunt.

You should not be planning on marrying this guy. Not the guy he is today. Will he change and mature? Maybe, but don't get married until after you see those changes.

I agree. I don't know you or him at all, and I don't think this because he slept with other women (frankly, that is a female thing, and you can either get over it, or torture yourself) - but because he doesn't seem to be...well...quite all there. Does he really care about you? If he did, he would at least give you the courtesy of discussing why you were upset and try to make you feel better. Add to that the whole not-gonna-pay-back-my debt-to-you thing...and he sounds like an ass.

Do us all a favour, as well as yourself, and think stuff through.

I tend to agree as well. On the whole he sounds quite immature and the only thing that will change that is time. Do you want to spend that time (which might be a loooooong time) with him? Personally I think it would be a helluva lot of work. Right now it sounds like he's thinking almost exclusively with his *little head* and has a great deal of difficulty puttin his big head in gear. That fact that he won't think that way when you, who he should respect more than almost anyone, wants him to. Sorry sea but IMHO from far away and through this *filter* I see a guy who doesn't deserve you.

*putting

...wants him to, *is a telling point.

sea, I think you know how I feel - I have already posted pretty much what Witty said, but in a backhanded way.

Good communications is fundamental to a good marriage. If he is unwilling or unable to talk frankly with you, it is not a good sign for the future. In a good, lasting marriage, both parties surrender a good part of their personal freedom and identity to the new, combined entity. And that new combined entity is thereby stronger than either of the two individuals. It takes a certain maturity and security in oneself to be able to open up like that and truly bond with another. Your fiance isn't nearly ready for it. He is still thinking "me, me, me". He doesn't want to explain his actions, because they are his business. He doesn't realize that explaining would make the pair stronger, at some little cost to himself - he's still trying to protect his own identity.

And if you want evidence of all that GL just said, you can talk to me about it.

How are you doing, sea?

Sorry, guys, it's been a busy couple of days...

I guess I haven't been wrong to think I'm getting cold feet. W is a great guy, don't get me wrong. He is one of the few people who knows the *REAL* me, and sees right through me when I'm being fake. He knows me better than anyone else in the world. And he really does love me. That's nothing I'd ever contest.

However, like you guys said, he is EXTREMELY immature. It is partly because his parents gave him too much responsibility and not enough freedom growing up, and partly because his parents split up when he was really little and he ended up with a stepfather he has hated since day one. A stepfather who, from what I gather, has a history of abusive behavior toward W. His mom was 19 when W was born, and acts a lot like a stupid teenager herself. Who can fault W for being immature if he didn't have any adults to look up to?

But he's trying. He's growing up. I've been a really good influence on him, because ever since we started dating he moved out of his parents house, started living on his own, and has slowly begun to figure out that money doesn't grow on trees. The debt he racked up was racked up in the very beginning when I had money to spare and he barely made enough to cover food and rent.

He's a good guy. You all should see him with my menagerie of pets (the he is allergic to, but still loves) and my parents; it's a totally different picture than what you've gotten from my journals. He gets along with my parents and sister so well... My mother even said that she had no complaints, which is a BIG compliment, coming from her.

As for "I don't know"... I think he just hasn't quite figured out how to express what he feels. He keeps a lot locked up inside, probably because of the abuse in his past. He's just not a talkative person. He is most definitely the most intelligent person I know, but he has no idea how to have dreams and pursue them. It's taken me forever just to try to figure out where to get him a job. Don't even try to talk to him about "what he wants to be when he grows up"!

My mom suggested taking marriage preparation classes at her church... apparently she and my dad did it prior to getting married and it was really helpful to them. Or couples' counseling. Something like that. Because, I agree, there *ARE* things we need to talk about prior to getting married. I guess it's good that we've got plenty of time to work things out before I graduate. We're still young yet.

Thank you for the kind words and support, everyone. It's good to know I'm not just getting cold feet for no reason.

In which case, sea, don't rush in to things. It is wonderful that he is so lovely and your family approves of him, both important factors in a good relationship.

I have to admit that the sons and H say I have a mental age of 16, but when the sh*t hits the fan I am there for them and can be relied upon. There is nothing wrong in being young in outlook, but the problem is being emotionally mature enough to cope with the difficulties when they arise.

It sounds as if W is making an effort and after all, a stiff upper lip and bottling things up approach is not unknown on this side of the pond. Learning to talk over problems is tough, but with the right person to help him, he should be able to eventually. It sounds as if you have already helped him a great deal.

Counselling is something I have always been wary of, too many people in the UK go off and do a weekend's course and set themselves up as experts. I hope it is more regulated in the US, but check out from your what the recommended qualifications are and see someone who is really going to make a difference. It is all too esay to counsel someone into opening up and then having no idea how to put them back together.

I really really hope it all works out for you, I can't recommend enough a good loving, sharing relationship to help you through life's ups and downs.

sea, just remember that you don't *HAVE* to do anything that you don't want. I think perhaps W needs some individual as well as couples' counseling. Has he done that?

And remember, it's never to late to have a happy childhood.

A sy childhood is no excuse for not growing up. I had rotten rolemodels in my life, but I hope I am ten times more responsible than they ever were when I was a child.

Who can fault W? I can. He needs to grow up. And you deserve better. If you need couples counselling that badly, then you need to seriously think about at least pushing back the wedding day a little.

I tend to disagree. His parents weren't just lousy role models. They were very much like sixteen-year-olds with fake IDs and the parents gone. They still *to this day* have rip-roaring parties with lots of booze and marijuana that end with people passed out in the gutter.

I can't say I blame him for not acting like an adult. I'm not sure he even knows *how* to quite yet.

But anyway. He probably would benefit from some individual counseling, but we can't afford it and he has no health insurance, so it's just not in the cards until after we get married. Then he'll have health insurance through my job.

It just seems like a big catch-22 sometimes. I can help him grow up once we get married, but I don't want to get married until he grows up. Ah well. That's why 50% of American marriages end in divorce, I suppose.

As a live-in girlfriend, I consider it your responsibility to drag him, kicking and screaming, into the realm of responsibility and maturity. Preferably before you do anything rash, like marriage. Or sex. Of course, I'm speaking as a guy who has just had four gin and tonics.

I still don't think you should marry, sea, until you have some sort of ground rules for talking things through. How about some self help books? Even if he won't read them, if you do you might be able to learn some basic enabling techniques.

On the other hand you may just have to accept that you will always be the 'grown-up' in the relationship. If you can face that thought for the next 50 odd years, then it may not be such a problem.

*sigh*

This is one of the things I wanted to see prior to getting hitched, therefore we moved in together.

I guess I can only saw we're working on it. He got his driver's license today, which hopefully should aid him in taking more classes and having a job.

Part of the problem may be that he feels demoralised with no job or income comng in.

It is similar for No1 son in that he can't find full time employment, he has been temping ever since finshing at Uni two years ago. He doesn't drive and doesn't have enough income to pay for lessons or a car until he has paid off some of his debts. He can get really at times which then leads him to being really . I hten have to resort to and humour to get to him to cheer up.