h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh I am so cross. I know it's irritating when I go on about this, but not one thing not one thing can I get done in this benighted country without having to go back three times to sort out some stupid person's mistake.

I was calm for the first six months of trying to open a bank account. I recognise that the banks have to do something to pretend that they give a hoot if Roman Abramovitch is laundering money though there hallowed halls (oh, wait, I bet they gave him a bank account), and I managed not to grind my teeth too obviously when, when presented with a parade of address bearing bits of paper they smile brightly and tell me it has to be on BLUE paper, not PINK, in comic SANS not times new ROman, stamped and signed by the pope himSELF, not the head of the ANGlican church. Although I particularly resent the fact that they insist on behaving as though I am the stupid one in all this.

I did not become more than mildly sarcastic, when, having spent two hours filling in forms and waiting while they stood around sucking their teeth over whether a LIGHT blue piece of paper with our address on it could substitute for a DARK blue one, while ridiculing the format the Russians choose to have for their passportys ("I've never seen a non laminated passport before." Disapproval. Disapproval) we finally opened a bank account only to walk out and find out a few days later that in fact the bank account wasn't open, never had been open, and because there was no computer record of any such event taking place, it CLEARLY never happened. Cue more are you stupid or what looks directed at me by, for goodness sakes, the woman who actually did it all.

So two hours more of filling out forms, head scratching, and general faffing about and finally we have, apparently a working bank account. With actual money in it and everything. Much to my surprise, the chequebooks and cash cards turn up bang on schedule. But I think I can be forgiven a rather impressive amount of eye rolling when, just as I was being luelled into a false sense of security, a letter arrives stating that, actually, they can't activate my card, as my siniture is wrong.

And you know why it is wrong? It turns out that they have scanned into their computer (repeat after me "It's on the computer. It must be right") not my actual signiture, but the name I carefully printed under my signiture.

Of course this is my fault. Of course I must have written the signiture in the wrong place. The mere possibility that some twit can't tell his nether regions from his elbow is not an option. I have a foreign name, and am therefore stupid. The fact that you can just see the bottom of my signiture at the top of the scanned in bit is neither here nor there. I stand at the desk and produce faint but indignant splutters as at this stage this is all I am capable of doing. I suppose that's the point of the 45 minutes wait in the queue, watching the receptionist trying to find some other luckless customer's cards which are supposed to be sitting waiting for her at the bank, and which have, in fact, arrived, but the fact that they were cunningly placed next to each other in the box meant that it was clearly impossible to find one of them. After that, you are too worn out to protest.

Anyway, my card is now activated.

My husband's is not. "Well, it should have been. I can't imagine what's happened. You must have forgotton to send both slips of paper back." Cue speaking very slowly to the stupid person as we explain that although there were two cards it is not enough to send back one slip of paper. Cue such incandescent rage that I am forced to leave immediately or I will forget myself and actually say something rude. Which of course would be wrong, as the only proper respose to all this uselessness is "Oh that's allright" as repeated over and over by the two card inconveniencer of the bank in front of me.

Never mind. B too can come into the bank, wait for another hour, present his ID and get it activated there and then.

We shall see.

I have to agree with you, Sol, people seem to be getting dimmer. The twit I spoke to first on the phone at ntl could barely get his head around my starting with 'Hello' rather than launching into my complaint.

I can see why people anglicise their names. Mine is double barreled and it is amazing the permutations officialdom comes up with. The regular excuse is that their systems don't recognise a hyphen!

Almost enough to make me officially use H's surname. I want to know how people like Joan Collins use their maiden names, but perhaps she too gets incredulous looks when she says 'yes I am married, but I don't use my husband's name'.

*sighs* Probably her husband gets called Mr Collins. I am getting a bit fed up of having to explain in words of one syllable that owing to Russian convention my surname has a one letter difference to my husband's. This has entirely fdefeated BT's mailing department who are reducd to sending us comunnications addresed to Mrs [my name] and Mr. Funnily enough, whenever I try and sort that out 9we're up to three goes now), they change the flat number instead. I have given up.

My new stratagy is to do whatever it is I am trying to do. Then go back/ phone up about two days later to see what they've got wrong, whereupon I am told that everything is peachy, and then wait a week and then go back/ phone up again and find out what they've got wrong. So far, every time, there has been something wrong.

Except with B's national insurance number, oddly enough. That was fine. A big up for the national insurance people.

Sol,
If the banking institution in question can't handle the process, perhaps you ought to check into their competitors and see if they can handle it. It's your money; you can take it to whomever will deal with it appropriately and correctly.

...and speaking of banking being an institution, isn't it amazing that more of their personnel haven't been committed to one?

Sounds like from the run-around you've gotten so far, every member of that particular bank should be attired in one of those stylish white jackets with extra-long sleeves and multiple buckles all over...

Cheer up, Sol. It gets better.

B4itestmynewATMcard

It's a great idea, B4. Tried it though. Problem is that we had a non standard bit of proof of address. They all accept utility bills, but our rent is all inclusive, so the only bill we have is the phone bill, and the phone company, well, I've already gone into that. Oh, and our TV licence, but we neglected to get one which is typed, so that was no go. We were using communiques from the inland revenue, which on paper most of the banks accept, but not willingly, not withut spending 30 minutes on the phone to head office, and of course the one which the others accept has, you guessed it, a mistake in B's address. Which seemed to bother the inland revenue not at all ["People change their addresses all the time..."], but worried the banks endlessly. I think we have walked out in a huff of every major high street bank in the last six months.

The funny thing was, that the woman in front of me in the queue had a) just opened a bank account a week previously, and b) was now changing her address too. Without proof of anything. I was also amused by how easy it was for me to change every major detail on my accounts, including my name, over the phone, but when it came to B, who has exactly the same addy as me and all...

I wouldn't mind. I mean, rules are rules. But it's illogical what they accept and what they don't, but they all act like I'm the unreasonable one.

Did I tell y'all about my favourite bit of alternative id they would have accepted (apparently)? Rental agreement, no. Various letters from B's work? No. Tv Licence? No. But a statement from B's bank in Russia sent to his new address in England, yes. But then he's have had to proove his address in Moscow, for some reason. His officia registaration stamp in his passport? No. A letter from the British Embassy in Moscow, no.... You get the idea.

I've decided the banks must be in cahoots with the electricity companies.

Sadly nowadays even the proof that your family has banked with the same firm since the 18thC doesn't wash . Which is why I have an account with two others!