h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[The foot of Mt. Sandeverest. BGM: A stimulating mountain music. SFX: Mt. Sandeverest background. A portal in space-time opens, and PositiveFreak steps out. The portal closes; PF's comlink beeps.]

[Comlink] Pif, it's me, Darkman. You there?

[mumbles to herself ]the katana is twin jaded, the katana is twin jaded [then she laughs softly at the thought of rabbits, they've always made her laugh, then she hears darkman]

yeah right here sweetheart, having a whale of a time. What can i do for you?

[Comlink] You're going up to the top of the mountain. Watch out for killer rabbits, though.

[Before PF can react to this, several bright blue beams of energy blast off the top of the mountain in different directions, one of them going straight up, and one of them blasting to bits a sandcastle that was made to be the size of a real castle.]

[Comlink] What was THAT??? Oh, right -- never mind. It's just Kefka making an ass of himself. Now, go up the mountain.

[looks slightly unnerved but in true PF style tries not to show it, and fails miserably]

uh right, on my way

[starts climbing]

[Seven white rabbits are up ahead. They notice PF, and for no adequately explored reason, a) they start to approach her and b) a battle theme begins.]

[Comlink] Ah. That would be the killer rabbits. Have you ever seen "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"?

indeed i have. so would this be my cue to use another trance skill? or maybe a weapon of some sort?

[The rabbits freeze. So does the breeze, the sea, etc.]

[Comlink] I've stopped time for a moment. Er, I believe I gave you, before this began ...


Hookshot: A grappling hook that can extend to twenty feet, and once it reaches that length or embeds itself in something, or fails to do so, it retracts to its original length, and it's powerful enough to pull you along with it, if it embedded in something.

Dagger: It's a type of short sword. It's about 45 CM (1 and a half feet) long, and it's sharp.

BlasTech DL-44: It's a type of blaster.

Comlink B: Use it to communicate with Darkman.

Holy Hand Grenade: Pull the pin. Throw. Pray.


[Comlink] If you've seen "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", you ought to know how to dispatch the Killer Rabbits with what you've got.

[Time unfreezes]

[Comlink] And you'd better do it quick!

ahhhhhhh [panics madly, composes herself, then panics a bit more] um u wouldn't want to freeze time again would you, it was a long time ago, I was very young, all I remember was the rabbits, I wasn't paying attention, oh this is just wonderful.

[uses the hookshot to pull herself a bit higher up the mountain so she has a little more time to think about this]

[Comlink] Holy Hand Grenade.

ah thank you. [pulls out the hand granade, pulls the pin chucks it and gets down on her knees to pray with one eye open watching the rabbits and deciding to never to get one as a pet] is everything going to be this exhilerating sweetheart because you know i'm not really built for running, more being methodical u know?

[BOOM. The rabbits are wiped out]

[Comlink] Not really, though you'll need the hookshot to get across a shark-infested river of sand. Oh, and have you seen "Raiders of the Lost Ark"?

um please tell me that's not the one with the giant boulder [packs up the hookshot ready for use] and uh crocodiles? oh well, i'm sure it'll be a piece of cake

The View Ahead:



Not a piece of

<BB<

[Comlink] Giant boulder? Yes, but you don't need to worry about that. But there's one scene when Jones has a faceoff against a guy with a sword. The swordsman waves his sword around fancily, indicating that he's not someone Jones can beat in a sword fight. Jones shoots him. Get ready for something like that, and --

[Slightly above PF is a ledge. A humanoid being with black hair, purple skin, and black armor looks over it. Three others do so, too.]

[Biggs] Ha! It looks like that sensor-jamming equipment paid off, didn't it, Wedge?

[Wedge] Damn straight, Biggs! And look what we found! What do /you/ think it is, Piett?

[Piett] A human! ... Er, you're the expert on that, right, Vicks?

[Vicks] Er, yeah, that most definitely a human. Like that other one.

[Wedge] Don't be so mad just because he got away.

[Loud Voice] WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?

[A similar being, except that he has orange horns, joins Biggs, Wedge, Vicks, and Piett.]

[Vicks] Ah, Captain Ozzel ...

[Ozzel] A human! Obviously a spy! Er, get it!

[Biggs, Wedge, Vicks, and Piett jump down in front of PF, and each draws a sword]

[Biggs] We're the best swordsmen of Vanda!

[Wedge] In a sword fight, you can't possibly defeat us!

[Piett] We're number one!

[Vicks] We like what we do!

nice timing darkman *rolls her eyes*

yes guys that's amazing, i can't see me possibly beating you in a sword fight ever. oh wait. i don't have to

[pulls out BlasTechDl-44 points it at the ledge they were previously on and pulls the trigger, watches slightly smugly as the ledge falls down on top of them]

darkman!! darkman for god's sake get that bloody com link working or i will never ever talk to you...........damn irony!!!!!

[Ozzel looks at the mess PF's just made]

[Ozzel] Why you pink-skinned hookshooting -- !

[Ozzel ed]

[Ozzel] Oz --

[Ozzel becomes very nervous]

[Ozzel] Ozzel's in ... a jam!

[He turns around and runs away. He is heard tripping over something and then swearing.]

[Comlink] -- eak, do you read me??

[SFX: Teleport zing, with Vicks, Biggs, Wedge, and Piett vanishing in the bargain]

[Comlink] Ah, that would be your first encounter with the Vanda Five. Nice work, I seem to recall.

yeah it was actually thank you very much [dusts her hands off] so what's next on the agenda?

[Darkman] Well, there's what seems to be a whirlpool in the sand. When you step into it, don't try to get out: just hold your breath. Then you'll be underground. You should be facing /up/ the mountain when you first get sucked in. As soon as you find yourself falling instead of being sucked down, fire your hookshot straight ahead.

[Comlink] No, wait -- change of plans. See those adventurers up there? Skip the inside bit, just keep going straight up there.

oh for fuc........make u'r mind up dude. right up there? *points* off we go then [does as she's told]