h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Bin Man - A317558
Author: Eeyore - U112242

I read this a while back, found it again today in the bottom of my prospector's bag. The author seems to be elvis with intermittent returns.

This starts off so everydayish...and is such a mixture of the ordinary and...but I don't want to spoil it.

Waz

PS it doesn't appear to have been AGG/GAG'd or Posted.

It's good, isn't it? Beautiful idea, Dahl-like. A bit unfinished though.

You think? Unfinished as in polishing up or the story. Or Sarah.

I meant as in polishing up the story.
I'll read it some more, make sure I didn't miss something.

WARNING - READ THE PIECE FIRST, BECAUSE THIS HAS SPOILERS!!!

Yeah. After re-reading, I still think it would be greatly improved by some skilful polishing. This has the potential to be a brilliant piece, but at the moment it's a 7 out of 10 implementation of a 10 out of 10 idea.

(There's text corruption in the middle, of course, but I'm not talking about that).

I'm going to be vain and sound off (and hope that Eeyore won't be offended). Here's how I would approach it.

The impact of the big idea (man-disposal) is dissipated first by playing it twice, and then by the lower-impact last paragraph. The piece misses slightly because it goes up and down in subversiveness. It needs a crescendo of subversion, and then a tiny understated gesture at the end to crystallise its point. You don't go piling busy ideas into a last paragraph.

The piece would work much better if that current last paragraph came earlier, and was immediately followed by the junking of the gamegear (NOT the son, just the machine that defines him) to develop its point.

The son should remain in the story, only with a total emotional shutdown (from former 'barely alive' to final 'completely inert') once his gamegear has gone - suggesting the idea that his thinking parts are now in the dustcart.

The actual disposal of a person should happen once, at the end, with the inert husband.

The torpor and inactivity of absolutely everything in the story except Sarah and the dustman should be even more strongly emphasised, laid on with a trowel in fact. Lots of images of stasis, of lives going nowhere. The whole environment should come across like rubbish. It should be stagnant, useless and in slow decay. Maybe Eeyore wanted to say something about domestic violence here, but I'd forego that now. The bruise reveals activity. The piece will be so much more powerful if it speaks of domestic abuse by neglect.

A more developed emphasis on these lines would then enable a tidy exit from the story. The binman leaves, and Sarah is confronted with something that wakes up. A cat would be a possibility. Previously unnoticed and torpid, it's suddenly alert. Whatever the device, the closure should be a piece of symbolism for a life restarting, a fresh spark of vigour in a former whole word of indolence and waste.

...You mad with me? This is supposed to be a writing workshop, right?

Pin (wondering where Teech came from)

Not sure about the extra detail - the bareness of it triggered a sense of flatness for me. And the sun and the primary colours turned it into a scene you might get on an advertisement for a washing powder. A picture of success and respectability and the happy housewife on the surface but nothing underneath.

Other than that I see what you're saying though I didn't have you down as a happy ending man.(*corrects former image*)

There was something in Sarah's last shown thoughts that jarred a little when I read it, not sure why.

Still, I think it's good as is, even if it might be improved.
Waz

(PS Take a lot more than that to get me mad. Anyway that was fascinating. Not to mention educational, Teech.)

OK, rewind that one too.
I was in a funny mood yesterday...

I can so do happy endings. boots showed me how. I have a couple round here somewhere. Just can't put my finger on them at the moment, that's all.

I guess all this leads to another question, how far to polish? Real-life gem-polishers are master craftsmen, of course. They take something that merely has the potential to be beautiful and valuable and convert it into scintillating geometrical perfection...

No. I don't like the sounds of that either. I don't think we'll be paying attention to Teech for a while.

Pin (reverts to carving his name in the desktop)

UnderGuide polishing's supposed to be a light dust with a lint free cloth. Pre UnderGuide polishing - as far as the author wishes. In Eeyore's absence I think you're probably right about stopping there.

Eeyore, if I put the remains of a balloon in an empty jam jar on the desk will it tempt you back?

Waz

This chap has written some other good pieces as well. I think he used to put them in fiction central?

I like this one but Pin is right, it's just asking to have an ending.

sprout

It's been in Fiction Central for years though... A294833

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