h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A million cookies! Lemme at them

I like the tomato rhyme Peet

It's a lyric from the theme tune of the original "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"...

Oh MY GOd!!!
I love the Killer Tomatoes!!! But nobody remembers them except me *sniff*
Yes! I am not going insane!
Do you remember at the start all those tomatoes toppled that phone box over? And they all had outfits with guns and stuff?

Ahhh, but do you remember the sequel? "Return of the Killer Tomatoes"?

It had a much higher budget, and was one of George Clooney's first starring roles! (He was second billing...) It also featured John Astin. (the original Gomez Adams!) There was a spin-off cartoon series from "Return..." too...

I have heard rumours that "Killer Tomatoes go to Paris" has been made, but I haven't seen it...

I'm talking about the cartoon series. I never even knew there was a film. God, I've been living in denial all my life arghhhhhhhhhhh

Was it a cool film. Who did George Clooney Play. And who did "Gomez Adams" play?

x whambamboo x

Both films were cool, in different ways. The first one was deliberately bad, making a joke of the fact it had a zero budget. There was no-one in it you would ever have heard of before or since. A running gag was text ads running along the bottom of the screen for a carpet warehouse "just a block away from this theater"...

The second film still made "we have no budget" jokes, including stopping the film in the middle to beg for sponsorship before resuming with a huge neon "Pepsi" sign strapped to the roof of the Mad Scientist's Laboratory (John Astin aka Gomez was the Mad Scientist) and "Pepsi" logos on the back of the lab coats of everyone inside... The film *did* have a budget, however, and had heaps of spiffy special effects...

George Clooney was the womanising flatmate of the main character - I don't know if it was the same in the cartoon series, but the main character was dating a tomato...

That would be a rather squishy relationship if you ask me. juice evrywhere (like most relationships really, in that respect)

[Orders Mindless Minion One to throw bottles of ketchup, while Mindless Minions Three, Four and Five attempt to operate the Super Death Ray(TM) and Mindless Minion Two rolls small bottles of vodka (aka clear cyanide) towards an indeterminate target]

The key to being an evil tyrant is never to do anything yourself, unless it's unbelieveably cruel and requires intelligence, because your Mindless Minions won't have any of that.

How right you are, my evil friend. They will revolt because they have the freedom to not be mindless minions, and they really want to.
Intelligence, as in slowly poaching a human so its flesh falls off, intelligent as you have to know times and temperatures and stuff?

ps- could you just time the time it takes to poach an egg then ratio it up to suit a human?

You could, but it might not work because humans aren't made of the same thing. There's only one way to find out though.

[Orders some Mindless Minions to fetch a scantily-dressed beautiful Hollywood-style Screaming Female(TM). They bring her in, chain her by her wrists to the ceiling and begin heating the water.]

[Screaming Female(TM)]: * screams loudly and wails for help *

[MaW laughs Evilly at her and starts timing]

Now if only some mindless hero doesn't come in and rescue her... that's the bad bit about being evil. You rarely get to follow through on your evil experiments because some do-gooder always comes along the rescues the subject!

Ah, but keep your stopwatch handy, anyway, as the hero will inevetably topple one or more of the mindless minions into the cauldron in her place...

Yes, but it's much more interesting with a Screaming Female(TM). Although you do need earplugs. That's a good tip - if you want to be Evil, get earplugs or the screaming will give you a headache.

Pardon?

[Gets out the Evil Megaphone(TM)]

GET EAR PLUGS!!!

[Talking far too loudly]
I ALREADY HAVE!

If you are female, can you have a yelling male (TM) or do you just snatch the hero do gooder chap and whisk him away into your secret lair of delights (TM) ?

If you are female, depending on what kind of Evil Female (or Archvillianess) you wish to be, you should make sure you have at least one of the following:

- a court of immaculately handsome, well-oiled and scantily-clad eunuchs
- a court of immaculately handsome, well-oiled and scantily clad men
- a stupid male second-in-command. You can have him executed if he really starts to get on your nerves
- a large room with lots of chains'n'stuff and torture implements, for use when you capture a male character of reasonable-to-middling importance
- a special large room with lots of golden chains'n'stuff and gem-encrusted torture implements. This is for use when you capture the main male character

Notes: you can have other similar things if they fit your character better
- if you capture a major female character, have the least mindless of your Mindless Minions torture her while you watch and make cutting remarks about being prettier
- making love to the male hero is acceptable for an adult Evil Female, as long as you're aware he will probably try to kill you while you're distracted
- make sure you have at least one black leather outfit

I think that covers more or less everything, although I admit I'm better at Evil Males. As for Screaming Males, they aren't really all that common. Manly Silence Man(TM) makes more of an appearance, but can be just as entertaining.

What are the rules for evil males?

~~A~~

Lots and lots and lots of them...

Including

- perfect a Sinister Laugh as well as an Evil Laugh. This is vital for maintaining plot tension
- wear either a military officer's hat or full headgear with mask and the like. This is important for being Evil in appearance
- high, light voices don't work. Deep, booming voices will inspire far more fear in your enemies
- you can try getting laid with the Beautiful Heroine, but don't expect to survive the attempt
- Cultivate a cultured accent. Somehow the whole thing seems more Evil that way

There are more, but I have to go tidy my room before the cleaner comes.

Ooh, evil...

~~A~~