h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A few tactics I find useful:

1. Stun the listener. If late for an appointment in June or January, say that you forgot to adjust your clock for daylight saving. This works because the listener will find it incomprehensible that someone has been one hour out of whack for THREE MONTHS. Their usual reaction is to pause, say, "....the, er.....day, er........it's, er.....", for a while, laugh nervously and then get on with whatever it is that you are there for. It is vitally important to keep a straight, impassive face though. Nobody can deal with that.

2. Provide evidence at the last minute. Once again using lateness, perhaps for work, as an example:
Pull something off your car (Steering wheel, spare tyre, etc), storm into work scowling and throw the part at your workstation. When someone comes up and asks what happened, fix them with a gaze that could kill rhinos and say, "I DON'T want to talk about it OKAY? Just let me do my GODDAM job, OKAY?". Nobody wants to wear a steering wheel.
If you've forgotten to buy a present for your partner, go to a box office and grab a brochure on every opera, musical or sporting event that they may remotely like. Stuff them in a card. In the card, write, "Take your pick". (I am still alive due to this one)

3. Forget. Everything. EVERYTHING. Late for dinner?
"You're late"
"Er, what?"
"You're late"
"What for?"
"Dinner. See how one of these plates has food on it and the other doesn't?"
"Oh, I must have dozed off in front of the TV"
"No you didn't, you just walked in the door"
"Did I? Hmmmm...Are you sure?"
"YES! Where have you been?"
"I'm not sure. I can vaguely remember driving. Hang on a minute. I'll go see if the engine's warm"
(Go check. Come back)
"It is warm. I must have driven here"
"Where. Did. You. Come. From?"
"...................the...............car?"


In some circumstances, you can combine all three tactics to achieve exceptional results. If, for instance, you come home late for dinner, with your watch wound back an hour, carrying a gearstick and have the above coversation, not only will you avoid a caning, your partner will probably drive you straight to the doctor. If you keep up the amnesia ploy with him, you will get a week off work and get pampered at home while you're there.

Wow. These are amazing. Wow.
That brochure thing is a seriously good idea. I must try it sometime.

Thanks very much for visting and posting,
Joanna

It was a profound moment when I thought of that. Right in the midst of ,"I'm so deadsodeadsodeadsodeadDEADDEAD."

But she saw through me straight away. Everyone knows that I'm a last-nanosecond-get-things-done guy. But they appreciate it because I can usually pull something like that out of my arse.

Good luck with the page.

The trick is to convince the other person/people that he/she/they are EARLY, and to make them(or he or she) feel sorry about it.

It's a complicated trick to pull off, but it's very gratifying when it does.
If not, insist that your watch has stopped. Prove it by bashing it against a hard surface... or just reset the timing (or, in the case of an analog watch, just turn the hands back).

If you don't have a watch, disregard the last paragraph, as it is a complete waste of time.

Thanks, Tyran...
I'll try that one, definitely

You're welcome Joanna

*notes things down carefully*

I have to skive off work tomorrow morning - I still haven't thought of my plan of attack.

Tell them you've got rabies. Nobody can deal withn that.

excellent - that is perfect!!!

God!! What kind of an advice column are we running here!??

My reason for not taking notes in a science class are, "Well, your discussion of prisms breaking light into rainbows inspired an aspect of this character in my book that I would've never discovered....' or "It's just that... when you used the internal rhyme of 'periodic table has its fable' it not only sparked a newfound interest in the elements, but it awoke the musician in me, and I had to put down some lyrics. Sorry about the banging on the desk and all that. Only way I can write!!! But I SWEAR you'll get credit for the inspiration when I win a grammy for the record...."

Sad thing is, it is the truth.... So hard to be creative...

The best excuse that I have ever heard was when my boyfriend claimed that the flowers that he had ordered for me for Valentine's Day didn't get delivered because the flower delivery truck got into a wreck! Of course, he's no longer my boyfriend. But that excuse was so good, so original, that I almost let it go. Most guys would just act like they forgot. But if you do that, then you have to buy a gift when you "remember". My ex had a creative way out of that.

I just had to quit a job. I told my old boss that I was going to go and work at a new pub for longer hours, less money and more stress, which seemed to go over OK. Go figure.