h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?
So she could hide in the cherry tree

Why did the elephant paint the bottom of her feet yellow?

So she could hide upside down in bowls of custard!

How can you tell that there's an elephant hiding under your bed?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she
kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."

A little fellow named Fred hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys
like to tease him. The local boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "No sir, you see, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

A plane is flying over Europe. Its an uneventful flight and the cabin crew are bored. The pilot slides open the cabin window and takes a deep breath. "Ah" he says, "We are flying over my homeland, Switzerland. I can smell the fresh Alpine air".

A little later the co-pilot opens the window and listens intently. "Now we are flying over my homeland, Spain. I can hear the roars of 'Ole' from the bullfight".

Not to be outdone the engineer waits a while the puts his arm out of the window. "Now we are flying over my homeland, Scotland. I can can even tell you which city. It's Glasgow"

His colleagues are impressed. "How can you be so sure", they ask.

"Somebody's just stolen my watch"

A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed
little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand pounds.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face make over, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the £1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He
then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the
one with the biggest breasts.

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked ne scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone eople and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost?"
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's ay we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But, God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

A couple of home made jokes... (worth a or two...)

News Announcer1: News has just come in that tickets for next months Gryffindor versus Slytherin Broomstick Bash have just gone on sale, at the ridiculously low price of One Pound!

News Announcer2: Is that right?

News Announcer1: Yes.... They're only a Quid Each!!

Q. What did the Ex-Secretary General of the UN's Mum say to him when he came into the house wearing Muddy Footwear?

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A. Boots Off, Boots Off Gali

A man and his copanion walked in the jungle when suddenly his companion was bitten by a snake he rang the hospatal and they said "do you know if he is really dead


man get his gun and shoots his companion
"he is now"

Buddha walks into a Pizza Parlour, says:

"Make me one with everything"..

Bush and Cheney are in a fact finding mission to the mid-east. they suddenly come across an old man with a long white beard carrying two stone tablets. "Aren't you Moses? bush asked
The man ignored the president. Bush asked again louder this time. the man still refused to speak. Cheney spoke up and said Don't you know who this is? Why don't you answer the man.
Moses replied: The last time I spoke to a bush I ended up wandering in the wilderness for forty years.