h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is where, if you've got a short joke you'd like to tell us all, something that isn't long enough to fill a whole article, you can post it here and tell us all.

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A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer,
"No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it
doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to
the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That
isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact,
we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never,
never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't
have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what
was it she wanted?"

"Rain."

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
...
A bad golfer goes 'whack', then 'damn'. A bad skydiver goes 'damn', then 'whack'.

Once three scientists died in a car crash and for their sins they went
to hell. Satan received them and told them they were going to be
swimming in the lake of fire and sulfur for eternity.

The three scientists were very afraid and one of them said: "Oh please
almighty lord of the darkness, please give us another chance to live
so we can do things right".

Satan laughed and said: "Why, in hell I will let you live again don't
you get it? This is hell you'll fry for what you've done."

Quickly one of the scientists replied: " Satan we've been bad in our
lives as men but as scientists we're the best and we've done so much
for the world, please give us another chance".

Satan then thinks: "What the hell, lets give 'em a chance, I'll ask
them something impossible so they have to stay here and while they try
to look for the answer I might be amused by their search".

So Satan says to the three men: "I'll let you go to earth one more
time and if you bring me back something I cannot melt, I'll let you
live."

The three scientists look at each other thinking: "Well, we might have
a chance". So the first guy goes to earth as the other two waited with
Satan.

He quickly travels to a small island in the pacific where the US had
the best geologists in the nation studying the volcanic activity in
the area. He gathered them and tells them about the chance he had been
given and asks for their help.

One of the geologists told him: "Sir you've come to the right place,
we've just found a special kind of rock formation for which we haven't
been able to find a melting point."

So they give the man a sample of the rock and he went back into hell
and gives it to Satan. Satan took the rock in his hands and with
little or no trouble managed to melt it.

The second scientist was almost peeing his pants for what he had just
witnessed but went out to find something.

He ran into a Japanese textile secret lab and told his story hoping
for some help. One Japanese guy told him: "Well mister you've come to
the right place, we recently developed a new type of fabric that's
virtually impossible to melt."

They gave the guy the piece of fabric and he went back into hell and
gives it to Satan. Satan laughs and with no trouble burns the fabric
to a crisp.

The third scientist was really scared, he thought: "Well there's no
chance for me to go out there and find something this red hot, horned,
demon can't melt".

And just as he was about to tell Satan to fry him, he remembered what
he had in his pocket. He reached in and took out a small round green
object and handed it to Satan.

Satan laughed and tried to melt it but nothing happened. He tries
harder and but still nothing happened.

Satan is so pissed off he summons all the dark powers of hell to help
him melt the little green thing but again nothing happened.

So Satan, all beat up and exhausted, tells the third scientist that he
has just won, that he'll let him go back to earth and live again, but
before he left, he had to tell him what this little green thing was
that even he couldn't melt.

The guy replied: "It's an M&M. They melt in your mouth, not in your
hands.

A couple of tasteless jokes for christmas?

Why was the little dyslexic boy scared on christmas eve?
Because he thought satan was going to come down his chimney.

Why was the dyslexic agnostic confused?
Because he wanted to disprove the existence of Dog.

tee hee.

Can we move the thread I just came from (I followed you, bottle boy) here so all the jokes are together?

Pink....

a Techie joke

How many sound operates does it take to screw in a lightbulb

None, if there's any screwing to be done you can garuntee the sound techs invited a dancer, and anyway changing lightbulbs is LX's job.

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.

She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full
today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around
didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now
I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went
back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he
let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran
into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress
and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man cames up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

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I do like the one quoted in Simon Singh's book, "Fermat's Last Theorem" to illustrate the different approaches of scientific disciplines:

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are taking a train journey in Scotland. They pass a field with a black sheep in it. "Oh, look," says the astronomer, "All sheep in Scotland are black!" "No" says the physicist pityingly, "SOME Scottish sheep are black".

The mathematician takes some time and then pronounces condescendingly: "What we can say is that in Scotland there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, one side of which appears to be black"

HA!

It is ridiculous claiming that video games influence children. For instance, if Pac-man affected kids born in the eighties, we should by
now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.
Uh, never mind....

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Two sociologists were walking along the road when they came across a bloody man lying at the curb. He was covered with cuts and bruises from a terrible mugging.
The first one turned to the other and said, "Whoever did this terrible deed really needs our help."

There was this builder who had made his reputation by only buying what he needed for the Job. One day he built a house and had one brick left over. What did he do with it? He threw it away.
Didn't see the humor? Try this: A Man gets on a city bus smoking a cigar. He sits down next to a fat woman with a small dog on her lap.
She tells the man to get rid of the cigar. He refuses.
She plucks the cigar from his lips and thows it out the window.
He scoops up the dog and throws it out the window. Next thing you know the dog is running along behind the bus and guess what it has in it's mouth. If you guessed the cigar you're wrong. It was the brick!

Tee hee.

Can't remember if I posted this one already...


Q: How many essex girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: none. All true essex girls prefer the back of a Ford Cortina.

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should
take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of
a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It
was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Parrot at the Honeymoon

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom covered the cage with a large towel and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.

The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."

Still no success. Then he said, "Look, let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo. This... I gotta see!!!!!!!!

THE LOO

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms. Finally he found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since he could not find anybody watching, he decided to take a leak right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said indignantly, "You were in it!"

The US chief of staff asked: Why is it that we can't seem to get a tally on the number of terrorists in Afganistan.
Well the General replied, We can't take a tally there because they have a Tally ban.

*weaves in from the veggie society party*

drunk woman at a party: are lemons supposed to make a squawking noise?
host: noo...
woman: aw sorry - that means I just squeezed your canary into my drink!

why aren't there any elephant jokes in this Conversation
here's a start:
Q: what's grey and powdery
A: instant elephant

copyright: lolly stick productions 2001