h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As you can tell from earlier posts, I HATE religions. I especially hate religions that want more than psychological power: they want to finance a certain Mr Ron Hubbard. I was quite delighted when I noticed a poster of What is Scientology? with horns drawn on the man's head. Glad to see grafity drawers use their talents productively. I then went to Tottenham Court Road where one of their mindless drones approached me. She gave me a leaflet and asked if I've had a "Personality Test" I answered "Noooo..." thinking 'Personality Test - is that to see how easily I can be brainwashed?'. She asked if I wanted one so I shoved the leaflet back and said "No!". How I hate them. I really have an urge to knock down that big book outside their store. What is Scientology? -Paying a few hundred grand and getting a brainwash - Fantastic!

Who is Xemu?

I'm going to tell you a story. Are you sitting comfortably? Right, then I'll begin. Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xemu. Xemu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.

Now Xemu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.

Xemu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).

These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xemu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.

The story doesn't end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a "thetan" in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).

After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called "implanting".

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.

As for Xemu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xemu is still alive today.

That is the end of the story. And so today everyone is full of these clusters of souls called "body thetans". And if we are to be a free soul then we have to remove all these "body thetans" and pay lots of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God and Christ was because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago.

Well what did you think of that story?

What? You thought it was a stupid story?

Well so do we. However, this story is the core belief in the religion known as Scientology.* If people knew about this story then most people would never get involved in it. This story is told to you when you reach one of their secret levels called OT III. After that you are supposed to telepathically communicate with these body thetans to make them go away. You have to pay a lot of money to get to this level and do this (or you have to work very hard for the organisation on extremely low pay for many years).

We are telling you this story as a warning. If you become involved with Scientology then we would like you to do so with your eyes open and fully aware of the sort of material it contains.

Most of the Scientologists who work in their Dianetics* centres and so called "Churches" of Scientology do not know this story since they are not allowed to hear it until they reach the secret "upper" levels of Scientology. It may take them many years before they reach this level if they ever do. The ones who do know it are forced to keep it a secret and not tell it to those people who are joining Scientology.

Now you have read this you know their big secret. Don't let us put you off joining though.

* Dianetics and Scientology are trademarks of the Religious Technology Centre. This document is not connected with that organisation in any way.

I wonder how you got your hands on this piece of info.
In two thousand years, when the concepts of the story are so obsolete they are regarded as myths, ans scientology still exists, it might have the same value to certain people as the bible does to other certain people.

Anyway, I was asked to take the test you mentioned, Psyduck.
It was in the Kalverstraat in Amsterdam. I went along with it, out of curiousity. And to see if I could extract some yellow liquid from this concept.

It turns out what they seem to want to now is how secure you are with yourself. How badly you are in need of a handle on life. A Way.
As I myself am deeply mistrusting of anyone who offers me a Way and is still standing out in a rainy street somewhere himself... I was deeply cynical abot this too. They gave the test, I answered their questions quite honestly, and they then clearly said that I was not fit to join. Seriously. I wasn't the right material. My personality was unsuitable for Amendment, I was not to be helped.

I asked them when they were going to tell me something I didn't know.
They asked me to leave.

Does this mean atheists (such as me) have disposed of most their body thetans? Or have the thetans been enlightened? as I do not believe the bible is holy or in God & Christ. Do atheists not need to get this therapy?

No, it just means you're beyond help

Why? You're the one the one full of indecisive thetans!

AArrghh Get them OFF me!

Pay $75,000 and they will.

there is just something about a religion that tells you your brain is useless...i say this because with all our knowledge and understanding when it comes to medical cures for common ailments the members of this group willingly allow their own children, spouses and other family members to die. these members also are giving their hard earned money and belongings to the "cause" whatever you want to think it is........
i would probably be told i was beyond help as well because i insist on using my own brain instead of letting someone else use it for me...
monsy

Does John Travolta have any body thetans left? Here's a man who can
pilot 7 kinds of jet, and he believes this?

But thanks for the story. Now I'm trying to figure out how many bodies you can stack around a volcano. And guarantee their incineration.

Lil

But where will you get the supplies for making hydrogen bombs? And won't they melt when you put them in the volcanoes?

sshhhh!!!!.....you're not supposed to think about things like that
monsy

Details, details.

Wait a minute. If X number of Thetan were incinerated, how
come there are still enough to go around in spite of the
geometric increase in the human population? Or do only some
people attract Thetans, like clouds of gnats?

Lil

Maybe thetans have turned evil and reproduce. Hmmm...maybe not.

there you go thinking again
don't you know that one of the rules is that you never ever use your own brain...that is what they are there for
monsy

I think its immoral to remove the Thetans, its murder!

yea! you tell 'em...i mean what did they ever do that was so bad as to be removed??? and how do you know they aren't supposed to be there in the first place??
monsy

I guess its just typical human nature, if something is there it must be removed/destroyed

Yes, like sanity.

Interesting discussion. I know little of the religion, but it's like any other I suppose - instil fear and disapproval of others under the blanket of acceptance and love. Like Monsy says - for those who cannot think for themselves.