h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So fire is hot then!

Just had to check for myself.

I have never touched fire; my ancestors had an unfortunate accident with an out-of-control fire that caused the "roasted" part of our name.

I've always wanted to experience fire first-hand - i guess it's one of those things that was just never meant to be...

Shame really. I wouldn't try it myself usually. It does kinda hurt, hence the "ochh!!'.

Your ancestors taught you a valuable lesson my dear child.

At least my ancestors got something right. The only other useful thing they passed on to me is that being squished is not a nice way to be transferred to Amoeba Heaven.

Squishing is not nice, full stop. Shame this transfers you to Amoeba Heaven though.
What would Amoeba Heaven be like, theoretically?

Amoeba Heaven, theoretically, only contains two small rooms, into which millions upon millions of amoebas are crammed. And I think these small rooms are hidden somewhere in Buckingham Palace, but I'm not sure. Anyway, in Amoeba Heaven, there is plenty to do. A lot of fun can be had squishing other amoebas, since they are already in Ameoba Heaven and can't be transferred anywhere else, or if they can, then that just gets too confusing, so they can't.

Another favourite activity, apparently, is drinking. One droplet of Heineken's lasts one amoeba for roughly 1000 years. And several years ago, somebody made a charitable donation of one can of said beer towards the Amoeba Heaven Benevolent Fund, and this will last the caterers until the year 4211, roughly speaking.

So that's about it, really.

Slow drinkers you amoeba, aren't you?

Considering we only have one cell, I'd say we're pretty fast...

That's no excuse. I here that one all the time you know. Just admit you're light-weights and be done with it. If I were just one cell I could live on alcohol.

Oh the joys of that thought.

Amoeba Hell, however has multiple rooms each located in the posterior regions of various humans. These are especially prevalent in hot tropical climates where water is to be found. Hence, amoebic dysentery. Being Hell, once the Fallen Amoebae are expelled they must immediately seek to return to their interior misery by entering another posterior. This is rather Promethean a fate, since it requires the punishment re-commence endlessly (actually, a Sysiphean fate for the sticklers among you) - though perhaps endless is not the mot juste, since posteriors are involved...