h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The monitor whizzes and beeps. The garbled message is translated slowly. However, within a reasonable amount of time, the transmission has been succesfully debugged*


A SERIES OF MESSAGES IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER:

TIMELESS VOID, PRE-BIG BANG
What have I done? What on Earth have I done? It’s all dark. And cold. I don’t know who or what I am. His voice tells me that it’s okay, though. He’s here for me now. He’s telling me that I have the ability to get out of this. I don’t want to leave Him, though. He says that I must, that it isn’t the time or the place. He chuckles and notes how it isn’t any time or place at all. I chuckle back. What ability? What do I have? Have? I have a body! A form, an existence is in my possession! But there’s more....this form has the ability to grasp, contain and control other forms! I have other possessions in and on my possession. Wait,...I can remember something...I remember places and times now...He’s telling me that I’m on the right track. He doesn’t want to interfere, because I won’t learn anything that way. I want to solve this puzzle. Puzzles? That sounds like a familiar word. Very familiar. Let’s see....I want to get back to where I was....

April 2nd, 7019 BC, 1:34 PM
Yep. I found a scientist who was interested. But not in the artifact, it seems. He was more interested in me. He was a Dr. Greklas, an alien scientist that I had never heard of before. He claimed to have a few papers on his ship, and if I would just accompany him....yeah, I know. Stupid of me. Anyway, he knocked me unconscious, tossed me into his brig, and brought me to his hideout in the year 7019 BC, not too far away from the Althian system. When I woke up, he informed me that I had beaten him to practically every galaxy-wide patent that he had ever attempted to place, and that I had driven him mad for it. Even worse, it seems that he had teamed up with other scientists who had a beef with me. Dr. Harvey, a scientist that I once refused to fund and refused to hire, because he was too mad even for my taste. The Arithmancer, a mathematician who had taken the science of mathematics to the level where it was “indistinguishable from magic,” had always been angry at me due to the fact that all of my math-based toys (like the Calcu-Gator and KLEIN, a version of mathematicians BINGO) brought me more money than his brilliant inventions, such as the Infinite Rise Processor that allows him to divide by zero without breaking any mathematical principles. This Dr. Sartasmus is an insane alchemist that I’ve had to contend with once or twice, primarily whenever I’ve had to prevent him from doing things such as created a “Philosopher’s Quantum Bomb” that would turn all of the base metals in the Universe into gold, effectively destroying the economy on most planets. Finally, there’s a “scientist” named Greg here. He was an unfriendly acquaintance of mine during my school days. He wanted to be a mad scientist, but could never really amount to much more than an angry assistant. Anyway, it seems that I am currently at the mercy of five insane scientists, each of which wants to destroy me in the most painful way possible. Thankfully, they’ve not thought to search me yet (like all true mad scientists, they’re slightly absent minded), but I don’t know how long I can wait. Just wish that I hadn’t left the artifact in Dr. Greklas’ spaceship...

October 30th, 2034 BC, 3:19 PM
Okay, so the Coalition of Terror actually has a pretty decent plan for once. They jumped to the same conclusion that I did about the Zobinks in that this is an alien race that will 1) advance quickly, and 2) therefore be more advanced than pretty much everything else around Earth’s corner of the Galaxy after they’ve had a couple of thousand years to progress. Even advancing at a fourth of the rate that humanity does, these guys could probably conquer our little corner of the Milky Way with no problems at all. Anyway, here’s their plan: the Coalition of Terror wishes to alter Zobink history in the most minute way possible: by creating advanced structures beneath the world’s surface. They made a few assumptions based on current archaeological dig sites, and located a spot that will most likely be discovered very soon. They will then leave evidence in these sites, referencing the various members of the Coalition of Terror in their, leaving some vague prophecy about when the Coalition’s members will return as “elders.” Then they’re going to pop out of some “ancient” hiding places, and rake in a bunch of cash from the Zobinks based on their publicity, and make a bid to borrow some of their technology. Okay, first I have to say that I’ve really underestimated these guys: they aren’t dumb enough to believe that they could conquer the planet with a scheme like this, and they do know that quick celebrities can often make quick cash. However, I also have to say that they still fall for the “tell me your plan now that I’m your prisoner” ploy. Heh-heh-heh....

September 7th, 823 BC, 9:20 AM
Surprisingly, it seems as if the Coalition Of Terror actually has their act together for once. These three loons were unlocking a few of the artifact’s secrets right about the time that Julie turned me over to them two hours ago (or 2819 years, seven months, sixteen days, eleven hours, and seven minutes in the future, if I’m doing my math right), and they already got it to do something. In case you haven’t figured it out, they discovered that this device is capable of time travel. However, they didn’t really know what to look for. I was watching the device when they activated it, and it was surrounded by some weird, mystical aura. What I saw, you see, was that the aura was only covering about an eighth of the artifact. Unless I miss my guess, this thing has a lot more that it can accomplish than just simple time travel. Anyway, these morons haven’t really searched me yet, so they haven’t taken this journal away. As soon as it looks like I might loose it, this thing is designed to transmit all the entries back to h2g2 at some point. I’ll try to get the messages back to when I started this mission, but it’s entirely possible that I’ll be off by weeks, months, or even a year or two. Haven’t fully tested this thing yet. Oh, and for the record: the Coalition of Terror and I are currently orbiting in their ship above some fairly advanced alien world. I’ve never heard of these people before, the Zobinks, but they’ve got some pretty up to date stuff. I mean, these guys are already more advanced than most of the technology that S.T.U.M.P.E.D. has in my own time, and they’ve got almost 3000 years to continue advancing before any true comparison can even be made! Anyway, I’ll keep you posted.

December 29th, 2002 AD, 3:00 AM
I just checked the time. Three o'clock in the morning. I think that I’m more obsessed with this current project than ever. I mean, really. Three o’clock? Three? That’s....okay, it’s not that uncommon here at CLI during our more hectic weeks. But I haven’t slept the previous few days. I at least took Christmas off, but I wasn’t even able to do more than sleep in my quarters. I’ve barely seen or spoken to any of my friends around h2g2 lately. Not been to Lil’s in quite some time, or Irv’s Cafe or Joanna’s Stall in even longer. And the Gam Room? Is that place still open?
I don’t even know what it is that I’m working on, here. The scientist in me can sense a major breakthrough. The adventurer in me can smell the possibility of fantastic new experiences. The greedy businessman in me knows for a fact that there’s a profit to be made here. Virtually every aspect of my being tells me that I’m on the right track. But there was no subway map before I got on, you see. It doesn’t help that my train of thought keeps derailing, mind you, but that just means that I have to switch tracks and try to catch another train going in the same direction. Or something along those lines.
Anyway, I’ve decided to keep a log of all of my progress at this point. In the event that I’m missing something. Finally got those darn service robots to just deliver food regularly without having them complain about my mental state of being, at least.

January 2nd, 2003 AD, 5:32 PM
I’VE DISCOVERED EVEN MORE POWERS OF THE ARTIFACT! Sorry, lemme bring you up to speed: the mad scientists couldn’t figure out what on Earth they were going to do with me. Each one insisted that they had the greatest right to revenge against me, and that they should be allowed to use me in their respective experiments. Then they got into little “verbal wars” where they would laugh at the experiments of the other scientists and then take offense at the fact that the other scientists laughed at themselves. I have never in my life heard so many long, boring speeches containing that many alliterative insults in one place before. Anyway, I kept going over how I left the artifact in Greklas’ spaceship, kicking myself for letting it out of my sight for even a second, when it suddenly popped into place! Believe me, I teleported back to roughly my own time period as soon as I got my hands on it! In the experiments I’ve done since then (I’ve been working from my hollow tree in the Magick Forest so that I don’t run into myself at the labs), I’ve determined a kind of “find the owner” function in the artifact. In short, it will teleport to its owner when the owner concentrates on longing that the artifact was with them. About three-eighths of the artifact was activated whenever I attempted this, leaving only four-fifths of the artifact’s powers to be discovered. I’ve gotta focus on this thing. The artifact is definitely a temporal-spatial transportation convenience device, and what I was working on in the labs must be related to it somehow. I’m betting that I was working feverishly on my research due to subconsciously remembered data on this thing. Anyway, it can’t be long until I figure it out now.

January 10th, 2003 AD, 4:13 PM
Massive breakthrough today! I don’t know what it means, but I can relate this much information: I’ve been having the computer go over my work periodically, just in case I miss something (and also because I’ve been falling asleep at the workbench a lot lately). Anyway, while I was sleeping, I must have accidentally entered a cross-reference command at the keyboard. The computer started beeping just a few hours ago, waking me up and giving me this data: the project was working with a mathematical expression not unlike that of an artifact that I found once. At the time, I hadn’t considered the artifact to be valuable, so I sold it to my on-off girlfriend, Julie. You know, Julie, right? She’s that bounty hunter who breaks up with me once every few months so that she can try to capture me and turn me in for whatever the largest bounty on my head is. Anyway, I sold it to Julie. I need to find her, even though she’s off working. If this project is to continue, I need to find the artifact, and she’s the best link to it. I’ll probably be back in no time at all, so I shouldn’t even have to leave a note or anything.

January 23rd, 2003 AD, 8:27 PM
Well, I found Julie. Yep. Sure did. As it turns out, she sold the artifact to a group of tough customers called The Coalition Of Terror. Well, okay, they aren’t so tough. But I’ve tangled with them before, and they didn’t like me after that. So, guess what? Yep. Julie hears that they’ve offered a bounty for me, and she actually managed to capture me this time around. On the plus side, she only turned me in because these are the people that she sold the artifact to, and that she’s pretty confident that I can escape. You know, as much as I respect the fact that she’s really devoted to her career choice, you’d think that she could ease up on me, ya know. So what if I’ve angered a good fifth of every evil dictator, crime syndicate, ancient terror, and supervillain in the Alpha and Gamma quadrants? Oh, well. She’s right about the fact that it shouldn’t take too much to escape from these guys, I guess. Might as well make the best of it. Shouldn’t be *too* hard to escape from A1059743.

March 15th, 2005 AD, 8:37 PM
Good news/bad news time. Good news first: I discovered the rest of the device’s powers. The final half of the device is devoted entirely to Omniversal Shifting! I turned it on, BANG! I was outside of everything, in a dark void of nothingness! I WAS FLOATING ADRIFT OUTSIDE OF THE SPACE/TIME CONTINUUM! It took me a while to really grasp what was going on, because I was in a form of mental shock. My electronic journal was left on, for some reason. I’ll listen to hear if I said anything to it later. Anyway, when I regained my composure, I realized what had happened, and (as far as I can tell) blasted myself back into the time/space stream. Now for the bad news: I was noticed when I came back. I was captured by a group of aliens who had joined forces to create a group called B.E.T.T.E. (Badnick Extra-Terrestrials Terrorizing Earth). I’d already met three members of the group: one of them was the nameless Althian Bounty Hunter who was my first true supervillainous enemy when I entered the Galactic ring of mad scientists on that fateful day in Joanna’s donut stall. The other two were Stephanie and Tusk, the Universe’s most ruthless baby sitters. I generally only encountered them through S.T.U.M.P.E.D., on times when The Krylma Leader would go on extended vacations and wanted someone to watch the other super villains. Aside from The Krylma Leader, they’re generally disliked by the members of S.T.U.M.P.E.D. at large, but they get along all right. Tusk provides the brute force, Stephanie provides the necessary thinking and plotting required to be a baby-sitter (who once “baby-sat” for Cthullhu, I believe. She was rather successful, judging by how she’s still alive and all). I’ll never forget the time that she placed a bounty on my head in the form of a pop-up book that had a misprint within detailing a 100% guaranteed method of conquering Earth. The S.T.U.M.P.E.D. agents went along with her pretty well then, I must say. Anyway, there’s also a Robot here (RW-X10.1029 is what it claims its name is) who wants to conquer the world for the military that created him, an alien named Zakkry Johbsor who wants to “acquire” Earth and then sell it to the highest bidder, and a strange character who calls himself “The Ancient One”, because he’s kept himself alive for several millennia by incorporating other biological life forms into himself (he says that the body I currently see him in is a specially created biological puppet that he’s controlling telepathically from his own body, a three cubic mile mass of body parts that is protected from space thanks to its exoskeleton, and propelled through it thanks to his amazing telekinetic powers gained from all of the brains that he has absorbed over the centuries). Now the thing is, they all claim that I’m going to gain their acquaintances sometime before the current date, meaning that every last one of them hates me, even though I don’t know what I did to deserve it (except in the cases of the Althian Bounty Hunter, Stephanie, and Tusk). To make matters worse, this B.E.T.T.E. organization (what is it with me and leagues of supervillains with odd names?) is actually run by fairly competent villains. They took away my artifact after searching me. They took away my journal as well, but when they copied all of the entries onto their own ship’s computer and determined that their dampening field would prevent me from transmitting messages with it, they gave it back to me. I’m going to try Recalling the artifact now, I’ll tell you how it goes.

March 16th, 2005 AD, 7:17 AM
Well, recalling it didn’t work. The Ancient One determined how to create a field that would prevent the artifact from noticing my cry for help as soon as it read my journal entries (which naturally happened before I got around to calling for it). I don’t know what to do now. I just don’t know what to do. I’ll just sit here in their brig until they think of something to do with me, I guess.

March 26th, 2005 AD, 5:43 PM
More good news/bad news time. The Intergalactic Police Force found B.E.T.T.E.’s ship, and took them off. However, I couldn’t find the artifact, and it seemed as if we were losing power. I didn’t make any journal entries in the event that I needed its batteries to open a door or something. Anyway, I was stranded here after that, fortunately the Rezrov spell still worked once the security cameras no longer posed a threat. However, I just now found the reason for all my problems: B.E.T.T.E. determined that the artifact was a more efficient power source than their normal one. They determined incorrectly, however. I’ve got this artifact back, but it’s tough to get any reaction from it. I think it has to rest and recharge its batteries, so to speak. I hope it hurries up, though, because this ship is heading towards a black hole.

February 8th, 3052 AD, 4:15 PM
Those members of the Coalition of Terror forgot that I have a perpetually memorized Rezrov spell that allows me to unlock most normal locks, and most locks protected through technology. Let’s just say that I was able to talk to the Zobinks of 823 BC before the Coalition of Terror were able to illegally scam them in 2034 BC. Anyway, I now have time to return to the experiments on the artifact. I heard that a Time Travelers convention was eventually going to be held in this year, so I came. I’m currently signed up, and checked into a nice little hotel. With any luck, I’ll be able to find some scientists who know more about this archaeological artifact than I do. If not, I can continue with just random studies.

July 17th, 10432 AD, 6:49 PM
Silly me. This is a highly advanced space craft. It had protection against black holes, thus allowing it to just result in an uncontrolled time jump. The current temporal residents are mean and nasty, though. I don’t know if society has changed for the worse, or if I’m on the opposite side of the Universe, or what (most of my maps aren’t right). But I can tell you that the artifact is almost charged. This current ship might not be able to outrun the pursuing Electrician Elite’s Imperial Fleet much longer, so I hope that it hurries up. The artifact, not the fleet.

TIMELESS VOID, POST APOCALYPSE
Dark. Cold. Just me. All alone. Hmm? He’s talking again. Just like....before? Time? What’s time? He’s chuckling now, saying that I’m not ready for this, and most people aren’t either. He’s taking somethin from me! How can I go back without it? What’s this? He’s saying that He’s sending me back somewhere, to a place that I won’t like. I can see it now! He’s sending me to....oh no. NO! NOT THERE AGAIN! NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..................................

*makes note of situation, and changes into "Adventure Irving" gear, which includes an Indianna Jones style hat, a digital watch linked to the IIEM back at the Cafe, and a Star Wars style blaster pistol in a low slung holster, a 12 foot leather bullwhip, and a pair of sunglasses*

Okay, from the look of Affy's webpage, this is some kind of contest. I was going to recruit a team, but that would kind of defeat the purpose. I realize that to help Affy quickly more people working together would be best, but I think Affy would scream if he knew we had a chance to win something while finding him and didn't take it. Therefore, I won't mention this to Arl, 'cause he'd tell CHOPPERS, and I won't mention it to Masque, 'cause he'd either kidnap me (again) or tell STUMPED or both.

I wonder whether I'm actually competing with anyone, though?

*FACE appears*

FACE-You're competing with anyone and everyone, Irv! Competing for this!

*The image of a strange gemstone appears floating in the air for a few seconds before dissapearing again*

And now it's time for the age old riddle: are many heads better than one? Competing teams might be able to build off of each others strengths, but individual players could probably move faster. And then there's the gemstone! I can tell you right now that it's magic, but what type of magic? And what does the magic do? Would it be better for one person to own it, or many?

Clearly, there are many questions to answer before any progress is made. But whatever happens, I'll be filming it for MDTV! Multi-Dimensional entities will pay big bucks to see who this stone goes to! That, plus it's Summer and we're looking for filler programs.

Over to you, Mr. Washington!

*FACE dissolves in an overly cheerful maelstrom of lights and sounds*

*Adventure Irving smiles as he notices that his digital watch is working. It's Infinite Improbability Espresso Machine connection allows him to be drinking coffee back at his HQ, AND here, talking to FACEman at the same time. This will allow him to work much more quickly*

Well *he says out loud, since he knows he's on camera,* it doesn't seem as though anyone else has taken the bait yet. As I understand it, most of Affy's co-horts have been inactive for a while. Last I heard, the great Garius Lupus, Affy's research partner at CLI and probably his greatest friend and Ally is moving house. Sea has been wrapped up in her personal life, but has recently re-appeared at Lil's. She doesn't post often enough for me to think she'll get involved in this activity. Masque and Arl would be helpfull. Masque commands a great array of technology both of his own invention and from various fictional tales, while mine tech is entirely Hitchhiker's Guide derived. Arl has telekinetic powers that few could rival. But I want to prove myself. I'll take help from other Salonistas if they offer it, but until then, looks like I'm on my own. Hmmm.... *checks watch again* looks like something's going on back at HQ.

*Meanwhile, FACE is having a party in his pan-dimensional pad. The big screen TV is tuned to the adventure, with many pan-dimensional entities munching popcorn*

FACE-Hey, everyone, thanks for coming! Wine? Phlog? Soda? I've got plenty of pizza for everyone!

Pan-*Last seen during the first mission on the Esirpretne* You promise great entertainment, FACE! However, I recall my last encounter with the residents of this island as being very dull. That's why I let that entire ship's crew go!

FACE-Bah. That's because you brought them off of their own turf. They'll be much more amusing with their heads on their shoulders.

Z-*Also last seen during the Esirpretne's first mission* But so far it looks like few have taken up the chance for adventure.

FACE-Trust me. This is h2g2. Tell the right people, and an adventure will begin. Besides, I've got an Ace up my sleeve!

R. Sirling-*Last seen as the insane ruler of the Twilight Zone in one of CLI's off-h2g2 adventures* Oh? Really? What is this Ace?

FACE-If you'll recall, there is one group of individuals on h2g2 who always jump at the chance to make a buck in adventures. Where they go, chaos ensues. If I appear and inform the agents of S.T.U.M.P.E.D. about this, they'll swarm over the chance to both gain a mysterious magic stone, and to capture The Krylma Leader's greatest nemesis.

The Sphere-*Last seen during one of the many quests involving rat-ants in the Magick Forest* *Telepathically asks FACE how he knows that S.T.U.M.P.E.D. will be so eager*

FACE-I'll admit that I'm taking a chance there, and that I've not checked their active rosters. But look at their history! Characters like Zeb the angry shrew puppet and NYC are blessed by Chaos himself!

Chaos-*Shrugs* It's true.

FACE-Anyway, back to the show! And feel free to help yourself to the kitchen and/or occasionally become involved in the unfolding story! But let's limit it to one hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional entity at a time, okay?

All-OKAY!

*The throng of pan dimensional entities then turns back to the television, though a few of them (especially Thor) keep returning to the kitchen for drinks*

I might try putting the journal entry into order from Affy's perspective rather than the H2G2 timeline, but I'm certainly not posting THAT on the guide, lest someone else stand on the shoulders of my work.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Uh-oh. My IIWW (Infinite Improbability Wrist Watch) Tells me that:

1) I've spilled coffee all over my lap back at HQ,

2) Someone, somewhere, has mentioned STUMPED,

and

3) HQ has uncovered a Nefarious Plot!

*Due to the improbability field surrounding Irv, a coffee stain spreads across his pants in THIS thread before he even posts that he's spilled his coffee in the HQ thread*

*walks in wearing rtavelling clothes and backpack*

I'm no good at puzzle-solving, but you need someone to make the sandwiches.

Alright, Lil, I have no objection to a sandwich maker on the team. I've started my own little Headquarters for this adventure in a thread on my page. I think it's http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/F19933?thread=280499 You're welcome to come along, if you like. I think that the me that is there is getting ready to jump to one of the time/space co-ordinates in Affy's journal.

bwahaha! did someone say STUMPED?

uh-oh...

Dun dun dunnnnnnn!

I'm really not planning on getting the Masque involved in this one, Sea. If he DOES get involved, it won't be on the side of STUMPED, he'll be working for himself.

*a mechanical cockaroach on the far side of the wall extends a miniature satellite dish, tapping out in code*

"STUMPED? NYC?"

[A moogle enters]

[Moogle] Kupo! Kupo, kupo kupo! Kupo kupo kupo [And more of the same]

[Subtitle: "Hi! I'd just like you to know that Yar's just gotten the message and will be on his way as soon as he can find a Disaster Area number that would work as a themesong for him! Also, he's considering contacting a science fiction videogame hero to assist us on the grounds that, quote, 'we'll need all the help we can get'."]

And whose side will Yar be on, Moogle? Or will he be on his own?

*Irving's blaster, realizing it breaks his metaphore as a strict combination between indianna jones and DNA technology, spontaneously morphs into a Kill-O-Zap gun*

[Mog] Kupo. KU-po.

[Subtitle: "Affy's. Duh."]

*FACE's Pan-Dimensional Pad*

FACE-See? What'd I tell ya. Not a day later, and we've already assembled quite the cast!

Loki-Do you allow gambling at your place?

FACE-Of course!

*Many of the pan-dimensional entities begin pulling out deeds to various planets and pocket-dimensions to bet with*

[The Great Light rushes into FACE's place.]

[The Great Light] Sorry I'm late, I was busy, my old nemesis is trying to break out of her interdimensional prison through a /different/ universe this millenium, but it looks like the Protectors of that continuum are handling it without my help so far ... So what'd I miss?

FACE-The intro and a good deal of the exposition. The rising action should begin any moment now.

NOTE: I'm gonna need a new tag to describe reactions that are more or less in character, but which my character can't make because he can't logically hear/see/experience the situation to which the reaction would be made. I'll call it "4W=Broken" to indicate that I'm breaking the fourth wall.


It'll take more action that FACE can supply to make my action rise.