h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I could have SWORN the carp comment was in another forum...

I think so too. But let's quit carping.

Remember, I am ubiquitous, I post wherever I am at the moment. Some of my responses are over in the Yahoo Penny Stock Forum.

I may not be responding to those...

So, got any good ideas for people I should hit over the head with a club?

Lupa just smote me for silliness! I thought you said I was hopelessly unsilly!

~Irving

All seems to be going well in this realm, but I must ask of U, where is your next set of prophecies? I've ben having quite a time myself with the smiting, college professors don't often give into threats of being smitten, but I've managed to make some headway. Good luck with the computer thingy Lupa. And as for you IW, I understand the bit of not being able to spell or use correct grammar, it took me some time to get away from the evils of the American English, and some of it still lingers . . . . I'm ecstatic about your new convert, but when shall it become plural? Carry on!

Well, I'm back and things are going rather well. I've been smiting people with a very large inflatable bat, and on top of that I've met a very nice guy who is quite smitten with me as well. And I've just been given a rather random idea which nonetheless appeals to me: Think we could set up our own Spanish Inquisition?

Oooooh! Yes! I'm sorry, I haven't gotten too many converts lately, but I'm sure that I could do a fine job as a Spanish Inquisitor! Or maybe I could be both? I could hit people over the head with my club, force them to join us, and THEN I could Inquisit them about not being faithful! Does that work???

Oh, and where is the not so ubiquitous Ubiquitous who will never forgive me, because I fear I have misspelt his name... twice in the same sentence...

~Irving

I very much aprove of the idea, sounds like pots of good fun! And IW, of course you can inquisit (interesting word usage) your own converts, as well as all the non-believers out there. The one problem is that we have to capture the non-believers first. I suppose that can be the beginning of the Inquisition (which nobody shall expect). Let's all go rounding-up and see how many we get, then we can torture them and do all sorts of other exciting things!

I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SILLY INQUISITION!!!

Wow! Oh my god, (and I expect that means you) an Inquisition! A Silly Inquisition! It is a dream come true for one such as myself! My life has been one in search of making non-believers believe all sorts of things, although I never really knew what to make them think. I only knew that the application of warm bread sticks to nostrils (not mine, the unbeliever's) opened their ears to persuation. Unfortunately, they usually get the idea to go off and become stock brokers for large Wall Street firms and play paint ball every eleven days and drink Zima habitually.

If you doubt my credibility I even have a resume. Now you probably know this already, being God and all, but I am the Secret Advisor to Fenchurch Mercury, Mayor of Virtual London. (Please don't tell anyone. My agents would have a hard time silencing you for your loose lips.) I also have a nice red robe, and you have to admit, it is the red robe that makes an inquisitor and inquisitor.

So please, Oh Silly One, I bow before you, whose presence I am not worthy to degrade, beg that I may wear for you my red robe, and question little old ladies about their faith, and force heretical math professors to sit in reclining chairs and face excurtiating pain at the hands of those little garden tools, you know, the ones with the little crinkly part, and make them, Oh Silly One, repent, and not have biscuits with their tea...

::Creeps into the forum, sneaks up behind the Amazing Dan, Clubs him over his head and takes his red robe::My cheif weapon is suprise! Suprise and... Well, I won't get into that. ::Gives Dan Back his robe::

Dan, did I just hear you ask God not to tell about your secret advisor position? Do you want Her to swear to that? To whom does God swear, anyway?

Where were you last night? Where were you the night before? Where were you five minutes ago? Where were you tomorrow night? Who were you with? How did you get there? What were you doing? WhyWhyWhy?

Didn't expect that, did you?

~The Silly Irvquisition

Woohoo! Torture and exciting things! Now let's see...I suppose my job would be to hold up the serious end of the Inquisition. I guess that means I get to inquisit the people whom I find being silly...which in turn means I get to inquisit the Silly Inquisitors....

Irving! What do you think you're doing--stealing people's robes? That's silly!



(Ooooh...inquisiting _and_ smiting! What a day!)

Ahhhhhh, the sound of heretics screaming in tortutrous agony from the outright silliness! And all of those poor souls who must be even more tormented from the absolute void of silliness that Lupa has put forth. Ah well. I wouldn't worry about stealing the robe IW, I mean it was quite a silly thing to do (and therefore I definitely approve). However none shall fear, everyone gets their own robe, in the color of their choice (as long as they choose red for silliness or whatever color Lupa is providing her minions). May the Inquisition carry on to the fullest extent possible!



You're right Lupa, that just feels soooo good.

Lupa! Hitting people with inflatable bats is just plain silly! You need to smite yourself! Then again, that's silly, too, which would just lead to more smiting...

~Irving

Now, now IW. I quite disagree. While smiting people with inflatable bats may seem silly, its really quite wicked! You yourself should know having been smited in such a manner. Besides, you can't blame Lupa for increasing her smiting repertoire. I myself have been smiting people ever so rambunctiously! : ) Personally I prefer a good whack from a pair of dirty socks for smiting the wicked.

This is all much to silly! Ubiquitous should be her so that you can smite him, but he's not, and I get all the punishment. Come to think of it, this is rather serious! Why should I get hit with dirty socks and inflatable bats, while he get's clean away? I'd better inquisit him when he gets back!

~Irving

Irving: Creating a paradox (or in this case an infinite regression) would be far too silly and thus would be by definition impossible for me to do (suddenly I feel like Benedict Spinoza outlining his proof of the existence of God in the form of axioms and propositions--don't you hate it when you start seeing stuff from your classes everywhere?). So I will not tempt fate by so much as toying with the notion.

God: Hmmmm...you've discovered the pleasures of smiting--maybe I can convert you to wickedness yet. I like the idea...heh heh heh....

But I see I have been remiss in my duties, as I have never yet been wicked enough to use dirty socks as a weapon. I shall have to look into expanding my repertoire.

And black ought to be a good color for my legions of seriousness, if they don't object. Hum...I don't seem to hear any of them objecting....

The forgotten sixth part of B.d.S.'s Ethic

Definition 1
Wicked is the strangely *other* attribute of self.

Definition 2
The idea of bat is the only adequate idea to englobe unadequate ideas.

Scholia
That's why reason sees a bat in every thing, because it thus can use a clear and distinct idea of the undistinct thing. Here we find a major error of Descartes who assumed bats weren't cool and therefore didn't think that the idea of God could have been put in his head not by God but by the formidably englobing bat.

Definition 3
Smiting puts two (or more...) things in sudden relation.


Axiome 1 (it's actually Proposition 7 Part II (really )but this document has to be an entity in itself)
The order and connection of ideas is the same as the order and connections of things.

Axiome 2
Two ideas in relation will change their respective attributes.


Proposition
Smiting with bats is not wicked.

Demonstration
When you smite someone (say IW) with a bat you put him and the bat in sudden relation (Definition 3), therefore (Axiome 1) you put the idea of IW in sudden relation with the idea of the bat. Those two ideas shall thus exchange some of their attributes ( Axiome 2 ). Either the idea of IW is adequate and distinct, and then it can be naturally transfered in the idea of bat, either it is not an adequate idea and it is to be englobed in the idea of bat (Definition 2). In both cases the idea of bat englobed the idea of IW and made it distinct.
Then comes the next smiting (or buffet as they say in Malory). The idea of IW which has in the meantime been "adequated" goes back to IW (through Def 3 and Axiome 1 ...) and thus IW finds himselfwith a more distinct idea of his self. He can therefore easily grow within his own idea, that is expand those attributes which are in his nature, which by Definition 1 is the contrary of wicked.

Scholia
Smiting someone with bats can not be wicked because I do that almost everyday.

Lovely. Absolutely lovely. But this means I can't smite people with bats any more! Good thing I haven't done it for a while, then.

That explaination was way too serious for my comprehension. I think I'll go smite myself with a bat, to see if I become more adequate.

~Irving