h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes, in the grand tradition of shameless vote-grubbing which is British politics, I bring you: the promise of Free Tea! For everyone!! For ever!!!

I can't compete with Archer (after all, who wouldn't vote for him after he promised to give up writing if elected), but I can do my bit.

Manifesto:
- more money for the tube, to be raised by a levy on checked trousers and baseball caps in and around the Tower of London

- Lyons corner-houses to be reinstated

- Jeffrey Archer to be banned from the city limits

- death penalty to be reintroduced for bad fake Cockney accents

- 3 new maternity hospitals to be built within the sound of Bow Bells, to increase the supply of genuine cockneys

- Heathrow Airport to be extended to cover all of Hounslow

With these simple acts London will become great again.

*IMPORTANT NOTE*
If the above is insufficient to persuade you to vote for me, I am prepared - in extremis - to consider buying your vote. Please write your name on a brown envelope and post it as a Reply, along with the amount you require to secure your loyalty.

The most important thing in politics is integrity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

You ain't seen me...right.

Your manifesto smacks worringly of policies. Still, I wish you luck, and present you with this complimentary box of rabid stoats to help you along the campaign trail.

Must go, I have a community liason briefing with the Tongs of Chinatown.

Politics? Moi?

I pledge that all London public lavatories will be maintained at a high standard, to end the misery of people with crossed legs looking for a cafe with a decent loo when they need a dump.

This policy will be officially know as "the Turd Way."

Unlike the Third Way, this will be readily definable and achievement will be simple to measure.

I like this
shazz

I hereby pledge that in the Mayoral headquarters there will be a budgerigar in a cage with a nice perch, suspended only form the middle, at the other end of which will be a piece of millett of the same mass.

I call this policy "A Balanced Budgie" and it will be put into practice immediately if I am elected.

Sounds like you are the ideal candidate for Da Barons proposed *clown school*
shazz

Eric Clapton's guitar to be seized and impounded to forestall any repeat of his offences in the 1960s and 1970s. A new and innovative slogan has been developed to accurately reflect this policy:

"Tough on Cream, Tough on the causes of Cream!"

Note that Kevin Godley is not covered by this pledge, but his mate Lol had better watch his step.

All cats to be released through the catflap after a maximum of three fumbling attempts to smooth their fur. Yes, the lates policy is....

"Three Strokes And You're Out"

There must be scope for a Chinese Restaurant joke in here, with the inevitable confusion between clown and crown leading to near-amusing consequences.

"Waiter, this chicken is rubbery!"

"Ah, fank you velly much, sir!"

No slogan for this one, but I personally guarantee to burn all copies of the CD of Margaret Hilda Thatcher reading The Gettysburg Address, the single most cringe-making record in the history of the universe. Come t think of it, I'll do this even if I lose

Pinochet must confess his crimes and go to Spain to face trial, or we will set Esther Rantzen on him!

I will outlaw the use of C, C++, Cobol, Fortran, Pascal, ADA, ALgol and lots of other programming languages.

This policy is called "Back to BASIC." No Victorian values were killed in the making of this policy.

All good parties gravitate sooner or later to the kitchen, and it is noticable that none of the three major parties whose conferences have happened recently have done so. Hence, they are not (by definition) good parties.

I therefore propose to amend the law so that all parties, including political ones,. will be terminated at 11pm if they have not by that time moved to the kitchen.

Sounds like a good idea
shazz

Free congealed milk solids to be made available to all school children. Yes, it's...

The Curd Way

Better and better!!!
shazz

If elected I propose to build and signpost routes to those few remaining areas of London where there is a thriving avian population. These routes will be known as...

The Bird Way.

New policy for progressive boroughs: homosexual couples will be allowed to foster one homosexual youngster. This policy is called:

The Third Gay.

Thought that you'd just slip this one in where I wouldn't find it eh?!
shazz